Does my mother sound like a bad mother?

[Drowningjustdrowning]

I'm incredibly sleep deprived so apologies for the rambling.

My daughter was born four weeks ago and my mother invited herself to stay when she was four days old. I was too polite to say no and she turned up, moaned about the food we had in (didn't bring any herself) and demanded to bathe our daughter. DH has a history of very severe eczema and we had decided before she was born that we would wait a few days before we gave her her first bath and just use water, it's fairly common but the reaction from my mother was unbelievable. When we told her that we didn't have a baby bath she lost it, she wanted to go home early, complained about how bored she was, asked if there was Uber available (in Corsham!) so she could go back to London. I said that we had a small plastic bowl and she could bathe the baby in this as long as she didn't use soap but she refused and was so rude I went upstairs with my four day old and cried for hours.

Four weeks later we are staying round her house as DH has a long commute and after a four week paternity leave we thought it would be nice for him to ease him back into work. Yesterday she told my sister that she was going to bath my baby, my sister warned me in advance. My mother came back with a baby bath and soap. I told her that the bath was lovely and she was welcome to bathe the baby as long as she didn't use soap. She refused and kept going on and on. Finally as we all went to bed she said, right since you don't want me to bathe the baby I'll return the bath. I told her that she was welcome to bathe the baby as long as she didn't use soap. She said that it wasn't a proper bath and my DD had never had a bath and as she was her grandmother she had the right to bathe her. She has had a bath (several in fact) but as we just use water, my mother doesn't consider this a bath. I told her this and walked off to bed. She has run off to my sister telling her how rude I was to her.

She has form for trying to redo things I've done. She didn't like my wedding, so threw another wedding a week later, she doesn't like the baptism I'm planning so has planned one for two weeks time at her church that she runs. As it's not an official church she's not allowed to give out certificates so it literally is her preaching for a few hours and then I stand up with the baby for a bit.

I'm exhausted. I can't believe she is arguing with my mother bathing my own baby. I would prefer that she didn't bathe her at all but I compromised but it wasn't enough for her. Reading this back it sounds mad. There are other issues, she was an awful mother growing up, there was police involvement, she didn't feed us, she spent 16 years trying to win my father back and forgot about her three kids, her house is a pigsty, she uses religion to try and control use, she is very verbally abusive if you don't do things her way, likes to call me a coconut, screamed at me when I was told that I would need IVF, screamed at me when I was told DD may have Downs Syndrome and told me I was stupid for paying for the NIPT test and should just give her the money and she'd pray about it.

I think I have always given in to her and allowed myself to be beaten down and she doesn't like this change. She completely lost it when I told her I wouldn't be moving back to her house to give birth and DH would be taking care of me. In almost 30 years of life we never spoke about this so I was surprised and frankly scared that she would want to do this.

Does this sound like a relationship you would keep going?

She is dreadful and you would be justified in taking out a restraining order if she doesn't leave you alone

Absolutely not.

In a word, no, it doesn't sound like a relationship I would keep going. I know it's not that simple to just cut your own mother out of your life but ask yourself, what positive things (if any) do I get from having her in my life?

She sounds like an emotionally abusive control freak. She sounds like someone who can do you really emotional damage, and in fact already has. She is a bully with no boundaries and no capacity for caring

What would you say to a friend whose mother was behaving like this towards her?

You need to go home and distance yourself.
She sounds unbearable and you certainly don’t need this having just had a baby.

No - run as fast as you can. What do you get out of this?
If a friend was telling you this what would you say to them? Do you think your child deserves to have this type of behaviour inflicted upon them?
Boundaries need to be built that are impassable. Ring fence your baby please. Far more knowledgable people will give you more measured advice and recommend books that help you identify the behaviour with strategies that you can put in place.

She sounds unhinged, and the last sort of person you need in your life at this special time when you should be enjoying getting to know your DD.

As this went on she sounded more and more unhinged. A second wedding???!?!!
So sorry to hear this is happening when you have enough on your plate, I'd tell her to go and if she turns up again, leave the door closed. Only you can decide if the positives are worth keeping her in your life at all, bit sounds like meetings at cafes and playgrounds might be less fraught.

And congratulations on your new arrival! Hope she is wonderful and you are doing well too - and don't hesitate to raise your family issues and the eczema to your HV, they have experience in both areas and should be able to offer support.

Absolutely. she sounds horrid.

Please take your precious dd home, lock your door and block her. She is unhinged.

In answer to your last question no, absolutely not. Why would you want to have your mother anywhere near any of you, why would you at all want to keep a relationship with her going?.

She was not a good parent to you (an understatement) when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed since those days. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. If she is too toxic/difficult etc for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. She may well have some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder. Given her past behaviours as well as her current ones she is not an emotionally healthy person or safe for you, let alone your child, to be at all around. She running her own unofficial church in any case should have you running fast in the opposite direction.

There seems to be a complete lack of boundaries here re your mother partly because she has never encouraged you to have any. This is why you have been too polite to say no to her. You would not have ever tolerated this from a friend and your mother is no different. Keep her out of your lives and do not have any further contact with her. Would also consider dealing with your own fear, obligation and guilt re your mother stemming from your childhood also through seeing a therapist and one who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

She’s your daughter.

You are your DH decide what happens to her and everyone else, including your Mother has to fall in whether they like it or not.

If you are going to stay in touch with her you need to lay down some firm boundaries and start sticking to them.

Why on earth are you going along with the second baptism? Why did you participate in the second wedding?

It might be ok to bend and be down trodden in your own behalf but you need to stand up for your daughter.

She is your responsibility. You decide.

Let her tantrums and anger and tears roll off you. She is not in charge, you are.

The power lies with you, you just need to take it.

Sounds like she has ruined lots of other happy times for you. Don't let her ruin this one.
First time mum after IVF you should be cherishing every moment you have as they don't stay babies for long and you don't want to rack up another long list of bad memories due to her controlling and demented behaviour during your baby's early years.
Calling you a coconut tells me plenty more about her 🙄 Withdraw yourself from this woman who has never prioritised your welfare isn't going to do so now and protect your baby from her by being a better mum than she ever was to you.

Leave and dont stay with her again.

Don't have her stay at yours.
Set short visits where she does not bathe baby.

Your dh will.have to cope with the commute.

please keep her away from your baby daughter.

God poor you. whilst she sounds awful, she does not sound well.

She likes to feel in control and can only feel in control if you do things within her parameters.

Tell her clearly and kindly that your child, your parameters and explain that you will see her again when she can cope with those rules

Suggest counselling? Probably won't go down well, but she needs it.

Imo she can't help herself.

You have to help YOURSELF, however, as you have DD to care for.

Be strong.

Come and stay with me, your mother sounds unhinged.

Go home.
Seriously.
There no point in staying there if she's going to make you feel bad about your parenting decisions.