Uncomfortable situation

[PookieDo]

Having only very recently split from my boyfriends of over 2 years I suddenly began receiving some texts from a man I know in a professional capacity. They began talking about Work, then cheeky, then became flirty.

Initially I don’t think I thought it through when I first replied and as I don’t know him very well, I now look at some of my replies and think they were flirty and ill advised. I was amused and flattered initially and although it began as general chit chat, he has continually tried to steer the conversation down a sleazy path at which point I am not responding at all.

He’s bemused and a bit clingy now that I have suddenly stopped replying as he must have thought I was interested. I’m not.

I’m annoyed with myself for letting this happen and a lot my own fault for engaging too much. I don’t know how to turn it around firmly politely and professionally because I’m sure in his eyes I engaged in flirting with him, I don’t know how to phrase it. I have to see him at work occasionally although as he’s a contractor to my company I could complain. I don’t want to have to do this as it would cause a lot of problems and is Embarrassing.

there are elements of the sleazy part of the conversation have really bothered me. For instance he suggested I might be the type of woman who sent men naughty photos. I said I absolutely was not, and in fact I had been through a traumatic experience with a photo taken of me without my consent. Instead of feeling mortified he just continued to ask about the content of the photo and clearly found it exciting. Once this happened I no longer found any of it funny or harmless any more and have tried to keep silent or professional.

I know I’ve been silly but advice to turn this around?

If you complain you'll put your own personal life in the spotlight (obviously if he took it to the stage where you felt he was seriously crossing lines and you couldn't handle it yourself you need to report him regardless) but at the minute if it's just a few desperate text messages just ignore him he'll take the hint. If he doesn't just politely tell him that off is the general direction in which he should fuck 😊

I would complain about him. He sounds like a dick and doesn't respect women.

Send him a message saying ‘I realise now some of my messages may have been construed as flirtatious, which was not my intention. I’m sorry if you feel mislead, but I am not interested in pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship with you in any form and would appreciate it if you would stop contacting me in a personal capacity’

Thanks yes I did say something about not wanting to overstep any boundaries and he apologised, said he understood it’s not professional but then added on to the end that we could go for a drink when his contract ends . To which I didn’t reply at all

I hate it when men make me feel like this. I don’t really know how to put it into words. It is not a stealth brag (because it’s depressing) but I have lost count of similar encounters, whether it be with someone I’ve known vaguely for years, someone married, someone at work, my daughters fucking scout leader - where I have been friendly in return and within a very short space of time it has gone from ‘hi how are you?’ to full sleaze. Do they do it because I look desperate? I look like I might be easy? I’m a mug? Is this the price of being single in your 30’s, when I haven’t quite lost all my looks yet (although overweight)?

I hate being put into this position, I hate it bringing back other bad sleazy memories and it really doesn’t make me want to even consider dating ever again

Some guys are sex mad creeps who take a “machine gun scatter approach”
and try it on with everyone.

It’s NOT you.

You can guarantee they’ll also try it on with Denise at reception because she wears lots of make up or Maureen from accounts because she just got divorced or Yoko because she’s Japanese or Liv because she’s young.

I think general assertiveness skills can help?

I struggled when younger to just “ignore people” as I felt guilty if I left messages unreplied to,etc.

Now I’m better at just “grey rock turning people down”. Imagine how you’d behave if you had a very dull time consuming hobby/commitment. You’d just ignore people because this hobby took over your life.

Also I think creeps push boundaries so that once they’ve “shamed you once” or got you to do one uncomfortable thing, you’re then “beholden to them” as you’re embarrassed of whatever information you’ve given them, or of being “accused of leading them on”?

You’re not the first woman to have been in this situation and you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

Ignore him and come back to this thread for advice if he kicks off and some viper (or HR/legal bod) will know what to do.

Thanks. I’m actually quite assertive but at the same time always feel like I’m in an awkward position because it’s as if they totally take advantage of the fact I have no choice but be connected to them, either at work or my daughters fucking scout leader . If it’s a random sleaze on social media - block... gone. Married idiots, same thing, nothing to lose for me. But because I have some level of aquaintance with some of them, it’s just so awkward. If I tell contractor guy from work to fuck off he could actually make things horrible for me professionally. There is something really unnerving about the way a true creep gets under your skin and makes you feel. Now I feel like he’s been observing me over time and homing in on me. Then I made the silly assumption he was just being friendly so therefore he got the green light to throw his sleaze on me

You are so right about the one uncomfortable thing hold. I ended up trying to defend myself that I wasn’t some kinky sexy little minx and just made it worse because it just made him more excited

I’m in turmoil my husband has been staying out all night for years. We have been together since we were 15 we are now married and have been for 14 years and have two beautiful children. But I don’t trust him. I have found pictures of girls on his phone girls have called him whilst I was breastfeeding asking why he’s not out. He has stayed out and lied where he is

Just out of interest, would you have considered dating him/socialising with him if he wasn’t such a creep?

I think I’ve found a similar dynamic as a reasonably attractive single older woman - I’m always theoretically “open” to potential connections/friendships with decent guys. Or just decent people!

but it also makes it hard to filter out the weirdos at first?

as a single 30-something, my quality of life is excellent overall and I couldn’t feel more blessed.

However, it has taken some “tweaking” to get the right social tone IYSWIM? I think for a few years I felt I was always bogged down with some creepy Male pseudo friend who thought I “owed” them something.

Societal sexism does make it fairly lonely for single personable women if you haven’t got a solid pre-existing social group to slot into.

Mainstream women often really don’t want another “attractive single woman” in their social group

And there’s a lot of guys who see “unattached woman” as socially desperate. As if “friendly and open to meeting new people” means “will accept anything”

The trick is not to take it personally - it isn’t some “shameful sex vibe” you’re giving off, but a mainstream sexist issue.

Read about sexual harassment at work or on the street. A lot directed at “streetwise” women. It really isn’t you.

It doesn’t mean you have to stop being friendly or shack up with the first guy who pays you attention just to be “socially safe”

I really don’t know if I would have dated him if he wasn’t sleazy. I’ve only just broken up with my boyfriend (which sleaze man would not have known about). So I hadn’t really considered him in that way. I’m open to male and female friends, although my closest friend is male he is gay. I wasn’t closed to a friendship that’s for sure but now that is completely off the table there is no going back from full sleaze is there

I think I’ve just got into a bad mindset with feeling disrespected and objectified. When I was last dating it was hard to really weed out the clever ones who wanted sex but at least knew how to string you along, at least the openly horny ones give the game up a bit sooner

I’ve been told I have a naughty looking face and naughty eyes. don’t really know what this is supposed to mean. But more than one person has said this to me

It is good to have someone to talk to who understands. So thank you

He’s clearly a bit of a “subtle creep” like you’ve noted.

I agree these can be worse than the more direct “get your tits out love” types - they’re good at presenting themselves a certain way or manipulating people.

they make you doubt yourself and your own judgement and feel naive and silly?

But it really is just feelings. You’re just a normal person, and have displayed good judgement in not following up his weird behaviour and cutting him off early.

Everyone has had social interactions they’re slightly embarrassed by. You can’t close yourself off to people as a result.

Do you need to deal with him directly for work from now on? It’s your call but I might be tempted just to come up with some weird neutral boring “situation” like you’ve found Jesus or you’re getting back with your ex or you need to support your good friend Mavis through her work crisis. Every time he tries to get flirty, get more and more boring.

I have to see him once every 2 weeks. Some of those times will just be the 2 of us, some will be with other people. The nature of our business means I can conduct it fairly openly, open door, or use an office not a meeting room. I am dreading having to see him although I know he is intelligent enough to not do it at work I just dislike him now.

I think I might have to get back with my ex suddenly

I’ve done the boring thing many many times so will also do that. I was doing it to him when it started to go wonky ‘what you doing tonight?’
Me: the ironing and washing the floors
😂

I’m embarrassed as somehow I’ve been naive to just see the best in people and that he was an ok bloke

I always get angry about the subtle creeps. Partly as I think JESUS CHRIST how are you still wondering why you are mid 40’s and single? Of course they are usually happy to tell you why it’s all the women’s fault. In a few short days Mr Sleaze offered up the information his last GF was weird as she was always ‘busy’ and would only have sex with him in the dark

I’ve been described over time as:

• too smiley
• too frowny
• too clever/posh
• too naive/have a LD
• too plain/dull/frumpy
• too sexy/overdressed

If you read the style threads on Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton you’ll find about a billion different bizarre opinions on them. So I’m in good company.

I’ve learnt over time that people who comment strongly on other people’s appearance ESPECIALLY their physical appearance (if it’s not along the lines of chitchat like “nice jumper”) tend to be pretty weird themselves and lacking in manners.

I have also found creepy insecure types like to “tell me what kind of a person they think I am” and see if I end up defending or justifying myself.

They just have no manners or social skills and should be ignored and left to wallow in their own weird controlling mindsets.

I wish I had such a diverse list of supposed attributes, at least then I would have less of a complex 😂

9/10 it is something about my face of my eyes and it’s sex related. Has been boobs occasionally. Personality wise I’m ‘too loud’ 😡

I had one guy who was an aquaintance from years back, married, who went through a phase of screenshotting pictures of my face from Instagram (which I do not really use very much) and sending them to me in cropped close up in a DM with some kind of emoji, like hearts in eyes or the aubergine. I ignored him for a while but then had to do the whole removal of him. I am not very active on social media because it just seems to draw attention in a negative way. This doesn’t help with widening my social circle which consists of my gay best friend and everyone else is straight and married

Lol at last gf being “too busy and frigid”( presume that’s meant to make you want to prove how much better you are than her by being available at all times and sexually wild for him! )

Off to bed now, hope it works fine and he doesn’t get TOO creepy

Yes im sure it was a challenge, as if he is a worthy prize.

Goodnight!

What a twat! Next time he messages,just say your on ''time of month''couldn't be arsed showering in days,and have chronic diarrhea...that should do the trick!

FGS don't mention time of month! Nothing intimate, don't give any excuse for him to push intimacy - and real sleazes will use anything personal.

Just be professional again. Not chatty, not even very friendly. Keep him at arms length.

He text me twice yesterday. Once on my work phone and once on my personal phone.

They were about the same thing but the work phone message was professional and Work related and the one to my personal phone was ‘cheeky’ and a follow up to the Work message and still reminding me that he suggested going out for a drink when his contract ends (no time soon, I thought he was in for 2 years?!!)

I replied to the Work one ‘yes ok thank you’ but nothing to the other message.

I’m in regret about giving out my personal number but my work phone is horrible to text on and I just was too trusting that he wouldn’t misuse it in that way.

I was tempted to tell my manager yesterday but I didn’t. I’m most certainly not going to allow this to escalate.

I have a meeting with him tomorrow but we will not be alone.

Get a new personal phone number and do not give it to him.

If anything inappropriate comes up on work phone, grey rock it, and mention that it is not advisable to use the work phone in this way.

Hope the meeting goes well.

Every time he says something, just say something along the line of "That's not appropriate" and stay in work mode.

He’s been. He was the ultimate professional. Then 10 mins after he left he’s texting trying to convince me to go out with him at the weekend. He is SO ANNOYING
I am ignoring. I’ve already told him it’s inapproriate