How do I come to terms with a life I'm not really happy with?

[FWBcomplexity]

Since I split with my abusive ex-H in 2014 I've bumped from one disaster to another. Two consequent relationships with men who just didn't work with what I wanted from life, I did a masters to change my career from social work, moved house, changed my drinking habits etc. But I'm stuck - I'm back in social work because shift work in a hospital just didn't fit as a single mum of 3 DC's, I'm still in private rented because I couldn't get a permanent contract for a mortgage, my divorce settlement has whittled to 5k from 15k and even though I've stopped drinking alcohol my clinical depression is lingering.

I've fought and fought to make necessary changes. I was removed from the marital home with a broken cheekbone, a head injury and a bite taken out of my shoulder and facing a court case of a rape from when I was 11. Whilst I'm no longer a broken gibbering wreck, I'm not living the life I wanted. ExH still has the 4 bed, detached gorgeous family home, he has the DC's on a Sat and Sun night but I never wanted to be a part time mother and I certainly didn't want to be facing 40 feeling lost and unable to form meaningful relationships. But that is my life, no matter how hard I try to change. I'm sad about parenting, finances, my career and my home. How can I come to terms with it? I'm so ungrateful as I have a job, a home, health and family. But I have a knawing sense of dissatisfaction and I'm constantly trying to work out how to make myself feel comfortable in the world and my life but none of my solutions work. Any advice about acceptance?

I really don't know what further help I can access though? I've tried most trauma therapy and I can't go back on anti depressants or anti psychotics because I got an movement disorder as a result of a tranquilliser so pharmaceutical treatment is out. I do need to go back to some kind of talking therapy but I struggle with counsellors. There aren't many who I can feel completely comfortable with tbh.

Well you only need one, but it may take time to find that one.

It sounds like you could do with a psychotherapist with experience of sex offences and domestic abuse.

Women’s Aid should have resources of people in your area.

I don’t think therapy is a cure. Sometimes things are just shit

Things are often shit but this can be compounded by negative thought patterns such as blaming yourself for things that were not your fault.

Yes, one needs emotional resilience too.therapy isn’t a panacea
When choosing a therapist ask about their registration, and qualifications
Therapist isn’t a protected title anyone can set up and practice as a therapist

Can’t they just

Well, actually I have got emotional resilience. I'm not dead am I? I often want to be but my resilience means I put my children before my own needs and stay alive for them.

What I need isn't a cure or to be told I'm stuck in negative thought patterns. What I need is tools to learn accepteance. After studying neuroscience I am pretty convinced that my brain chemistry and my behaviour patterns/thinking are established. I need to come to terms with the fact that my life isn't how I want it to be? Not sure how I can teach myself acceptance? I tried headspace and for a while I did feel some relief from being constantly morose but it stopped working (and I was too poor to keep paying for it ha!)

Yes, therapist is an unprotected title,anyone can set up and practice. Anyone
Psychotherapist and counsellor is an unprotected title,anyone can call self a psychotherapist or counsellor and set up a practice

There are currently no legal restrictions surrounding the title of psychotherapist. However there are some titles within the field that are regulated/protected. This includes 'registered psychotherapist'. Professional bodies such as the UKCP protect such titles.

Some useful web links
psychotherapy

find therapist

OP, are you in AA? Perhaps it could help?
I found mindfulness helpful.

Absolutely a psychotherapist can help you find self acceptance.

It’s not a question of being told you’re in negative thought patterns, but of strategies to get out of them.

Behaviour and thought patterns can be changed for sure. It can be hard work, but I’ve seen people transform their lives.

May be an appointment with a solicitor would be a first step, so you can see if there’s anything to be done about your financial situation, increasing your maintenance etc.

After that, may be go to your GP and show them everything you have written in this thread, and see what they suggest in terms of providing some kind of support for you?

It’s difficult to access psychotherapy through the NHS unless you’re seriously mentally ill.

Otherwise you will be offered the basic 12 sessions of CBT.

No.psychotherapy isn’t intended for seriously mentally ill At all
in fact it’s contraindicated in psychosis and serious mental illness
Psychotherapy access Depends on the trust,but it’s limited as it’s costly with limited efficacy
psychotherapy requires high verbal fluency,concentration

I've had so much intervention though;

An IAPT counsellor
3 psychiatrists - for eating disorders/suicide/clinical depression
A clinic cal psychologist
A MH nurse
An ISVA
An IDVA
Psychotherapy with a trauma specialist at Rape Crisis
Hypnotherapy
Three inpatient stays on secure mental health units.
All the drugs
Group therapy for survivors of sexual abuse (I was abused from 5 until I was raped at 11 by the same family member, then he stopped completely as he found someone smaller 😢 Still hold a lot of guilt about that )

I've had 5 years worth of MH intervention when I add it up. Mindfulness (unbelievably) was probably the most effective but it didn't stick.

I will definitely print this out and show it to my GP. It's the persistence that is the problem.

I do wonder if I have complex PTSD? It's something I've read a small amount about but never really pursued? Maybe if I stop thinking I have clinical depression and understand what's really going on it might change things? graspingatstraws

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/#.WuSfv0HTXYU

The symptoms do sound familiar...especially the emotional flashbacks. I had a hysteroscopy and a coil put in 2 weeks ago and had a massive one

So you’ve had intervention. If you’re still not ok you still need more help.

Given what you’ve experienced it’s not surprising you’re still struggling, deep wounds are hard to heal.

On your history you may be able to get a referral for psychotherapy rather than just CBT, I don’t know, but the waiting list will likely be long.

I’ve had PTSD - have you been treated for it on the NHS before? That might be worth pursuing.

Lipstick that’s not true.

Psychotherapy is a type of therapy used to treat emotional problems and mental health conditions.

It allows you to look deeper into your problems and worries, and deal with troublesome habits and a wide range of mental disorders, such as depression and schizophrenia.

Psychotherapy can be used to treat a wide range of mental health conditions, including:
depression
anxiety disorders
borderline personality disorder (BPD)
obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
long-term illnesses
eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia and binge eating
drug misuse

www.nhs.uk/conditions/psychotherapy/

Im with the others in thinking that you need more help, but you asked for strategies so here goes:

• exercise, preferably outside
• eat well plan meals etc.
• sleep well
• keep a positivity diary. Everyday write down one thing that was good about today.
• read how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Its a collection of strategies to help you get your life looking how you want it to be. You do need to be realistic about your goals though.
• be kind to yourself. I know its a cliche, but you've had several abusive relationships and that takes its toll. You got out alive with your kids. Youre ambitious and want the best for you and your kids. Youre not giving up. I wish I could shake you into seeing how wonderful you are!

Kristen neff has lots of free resources on her website, all about self compassion. Compassion focused therapy or self help can be very useful for complex trauma.

Also it's important not to try and force the acceptance - yes it's good to gently cultivate it, but it sounds like there is a lot to grieve, all those losses of one type or another, from your childhood onwards. Give yourself time and space to mourn what you've lost, and kindness towards the parts of you which are struggling to accept.

Complex ptsd is precisely that - complex. Be patient and forgiving with yourself, you will get there.

(yes complex ptsd is enormously likely, so take your time and also appreciate how much you've survived and how far you've come)

Hi OP...you’ve had some really good advice already and are clearly insightful. You need to take comfort in the achievements you have already accomplished, and as you are aware, you are okay, your head is above water. You are ambitious, strong and clearly extremely loving. Those people in their 4bed detached homes also struggle I’m sure!

I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I turned 30 in March. I have two children from two relationships. I’m studying a masters degree full time which finishes this summer. I have little to no boundaries with men either. I regret much of my twenties which has resulted in my current feeling of dissatisfaction with my life and that of my childrens. It is all encompassing at times.
I want more for my children, I want a husband to share life with. I want normality, boring mundane normality.
I’ve just left a year and a half relationship which wasn’t good for me. I have a history of depressive episodes, spent time In a mother and baby unit after the birth of my second son. Around Christmas last year I had a massive breakdown and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I am on the waiting list for complex trauma, see a counsellor weekly and have a CPN as well as take meds which do nothing but make me drowsy and fat !
I am so deeply ashamed of my situation that I cannot make new mum friends, I have friends I make through uni, but I cannot face speaking to parents at my sons school in case they ask about his dad. My poor children deserve so much more. It was Roald Dahl that said all children deserve a sparkly parent ... but you sound awesome! I revert away from my children at times, but you fought for them! You’re not giving yourself enough credit ! You will get there. I have no doubt you will make sure of it.

Tatiana you’ve simply done a google and C&P. Not added anything really
I know what psychotherapy is,and it’s efficacy and it’s limitations
Do you?

You stated psychotherapy is suitable for individuals who are seriously mentally ill.

Quite simply No

For individuals who are stable, compliant with medication yes psychotherapy can be used for various presentations inc eating disorders. Key being ability to participate, retain info,and act on treatment goals

OP you've been through so much and survived. I know it's easy to look at your glass as half empty, but it truly is half full, even if it doesn't feel that way now. You're still recovering, you're still finding your way, so please be kind to yourself and try to look back and see how far you've already come. You survived rape. You survived an abusive relationship. You left that bastard who did that to you. You still have your kids (and retain primary custody!). You pay your own way. You hold down a job. Bloody hell woman, you're amazing!

I posted the NHS guidelines to show the mental illnesses that psychotherapy is used to treat on the NHS. Including depression, schizophrenia, personality disorders and eating disorders. Schizophrenia and severe depression are serious mental illnesses.

My father is a retired psychiatrist and psychotherapist, and not even he would claim to know ‘the efficacy and limitations’ of psychotherapy - it’s a massive subject, it’s an inflated claim, individual psychiatrists have different perspectives, and it’s different for each person. What’s effective for x may not be for y.