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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Giving up on relationship with casual man

44 replies

Muddledupagainandagain · 26/04/2018 17:28

I’ve been “seeing” someone for nearly six months who I think the world of. He has always left me unsure of where I stand, being keen one minute and distant the next. He has admitted this is deliberate. I’ve not met his friends or family and am not part of his everyday life despite asking for this to change. I’m aware that I’ve allowed myself to inadvertently become a booty call and ego boost, albeit one that he cares about and keeps in touch with regularly. He’s told me he isn’t looking for a relationship currently. This is code for not wanting a relationship with me, I know, rather than not wanting a relationship with anyone. We get on well, I enjoy his company and I want to be able move on from wanting him as a partner and maybe becoming friends rather than cutting him dead.

I’ve hung around and given him the space he has wanted. Whenever I withdraw emotionally from him, he then puts lots of effort in and I respond thinking maybe he has changed. But he never does. I know I’m incapable of blocking him, it just left me more obsessed. But I have three weeks of not seeing him as he is off travelling with friends and I know that I will get the odd text but nothing meaningful. I want to use the time to build my confidence back up, to look after myself better and to really think through what I want from my life. It has become almost a habit to sit and think about him/a possible relationship and I’m struggling to break this. I’m starting to take him down off the pedestal I’ve put him on but it isn’t easy and I find myself thinking back to when I first met him and how he swept me off my feet.

Any tips for mentally breaking that mental and emotional link with someone would be appreciated. I don’t want him gone for good without me first talking to him about my wants and feelings but right now, I’m so wrapped up in him, it’s difficult to get any clarity.

OP posts:

littlepill · 26/04/2018 20:12

When I was in this position before, I started one of the No Contact (NC) threads and a few of us would check in. Whenever we felt the urge to text, we would check in. It was ever so helpful and I’m sure it made other NCs (yes it happened to me more than once ) more bearable.

Hurts like fuck to start with but once you fill that void, you do make progress...

Gemini69 · 26/04/2018 21:32

I agree with everyone lovely... time to close that door

WeepingButterfli · 27/04/2018 06:58

How's it going OP? Did you chat to him?

Popsjjx · 27/04/2018 07:06

You've haven't seen him for three weeks and you doing well, let those three weeks turn into another three weeks. Honestly it'll get so much easier. You'll think about him less, he'll cross you mind once or twice...

You're not really speaking via text either, he's away and can't make time to text you. So take that as well, keep up the limited speaking or don't speak at all.

You don't have to chase someone. He's told you he doesn't want you basically. Please don't drag it out, and make it harder for you.

You do become obsessed, I did with my ex. I checked his location on fb, his WA / and messenger time stamps.

But then you stop.... it's hard for a bit. But you realise you feel better

Move from this guy, you don't need him and he doesn't want you he's declared that. Please don't wait for him.

Find someone that wants you and can't wait to be around you

Original poster

Muddledupagainandagain · 27/04/2018 07:31

No I haven’t messaged him for a few days now since he went travelling. I’m determined not to initiate anything. He fucks my head up. He says I’m the kindest person he’s ever met and he doesn’t want to lose me yet then says he doesn’t want a relationship, isn’t good enough for me blah blah.

OP posts:

Whenthereshope · 27/04/2018 07:43

Get under someone else. It's the quickest solution. The people who do this always seem to come off better ( I'm not one of them, I'm a you - try to sort it all out with my brain not my faff!)

Popsjjx · 27/04/2018 07:47

Muddle
Please stay strong, youVe got this.

You're the nicest and kindest person because you keep letting him in, it's easy for him. He doesn't want a relationship, but he wants a someone het that does everything a girlfriend does.

When he's back from traveling don't let all the texts and communication get you.

You know what's best for you and it's not staying hanging around waiting for him

ShatnersWig · 27/04/2018 08:17

Remember that for every man that treats a woman like this for months, there is a woman that LETS him.

Step one: don't be that woman.
Step two: block all contact
Step three: work out why you are happy to settle for crumbs and put up with it - then work on that

Original poster

Muddledupagainandagain · 27/04/2018 09:31

I know that there is someone he has been interested in all along who isn’t in a position to offer a relationship. I’m sure if she was he would offer her commitment. I feel stupid and second best. It is difficult to know how he has such a hold on me, I only know that I’m terrified to walk away and I don’t understand why. This isn’t who I used to be.

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 27/04/2018 09:36

Well done for not messaging him. That's the spirit, keep it up!

His three week holiday is the perfect time to wean yourself off him. Hopefully by the time he's back you'll have built up your resistance. You know you need to LTB, you know the reasons why - you just need to stay strong and follow through with keeping your distance and moving on. You're only 6 months into this pseudo relationship....You can stay strong and break it off.

While you're obsessed with this self-absorbed man who is using you as an ego boost, you're not free to find someone else who wants a genuine relationship with you and treats you with the respect you deserve.

MarthasGinYard · 27/04/2018 09:42

Stay strong

You must break this cycle

TheClitterati · 27/04/2018 10:22

He's totally messing with you.

Ghost him. Work on your self esteem. You deserve much better - you need to believe it!

Popsjjx · 27/04/2018 12:00

Muddle
You're terrified because you're going to have all these shit feelings
You think you're not good enough
Why doesn't he want you fully
What's wrong with you?

Trust me, you'll feel it. It if you stick and be strong..: you'll be sad when he moves on.

Bite the bullet.
Feel crap for a while and then you'll feel better! You'll realise your with! And you're worth more than second best your someone's first choice you just have to cut off this guy and find that guy that wants all of you all the time: not just when he feels like it.

Original poster

Muddledupagainandagain · 27/04/2018 20:18

That's what I want, a man who wants me consistently rather than just when it suits. I have to stop thinking I can change him.

OP posts:

WeepingButterfli · 27/04/2018 20:46

I can totally see why you fell for him - if he said he wanted a relationship to begin with and worked hard to woo you then now you wonder what changed and hope he will revert. Unfortunately he's given you his answer though

DaisyLux · 27/04/2018 21:04

more things that may help:-

objectivity - get some distance - whatever your feelings for him - you've probably put him on a pedestal when in reality he could be weak and unprincipled or worse, and yourself somewhere lower
anger - he's been messing with you and your self-esteem (deliberately or carelessly, whatever)
strength and self-respect. might take some time or perhaps you can immediately start to 'source' it, cultivate it somewhere within you. no-one can take that away from you.
nice things. a cliche i know. but some nice things for yourself. spa, books, day in bed, a holiday, art exhib, day at the zoo(!), new job applications, courses, interests, clubs, dancing etc. etc. whatever floats your boat!

DaisyLux · 27/04/2018 21:51

I meant put yourself somewhere lower, btw, over-valuing him and under-valuing yourself.

Original poster

Muddledupagainandagain · 28/04/2018 11:06

Daisy, that seems to be exactly what i have done. Over emphasised his good points and put myself down in the process.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 28/04/2018 12:37

To be fair, he made it clear he doesn't want a serious relationship from you. In response you could have said you wanted more, and seen how conversation went from there.

We do ourselves no good whatsoever when we present as if lack of 1 particular man is going to blight life so much that we can't live well. It can be a fear of going through the loneliness, heartbreak, having to live without him.

But as hard as all that is, it's a case of going through the fire, on way through have all your "weapons" to hand be that therapy, anti-depressants, great friends & family etc..whatever it takes to get you out the other side

At least you're taking him off the pedestal. It's a start. He's offering you nothing but occasional sex and good times.

Also - we don't own other people and can't choose their actions and reactions. As you're casual he could walk away anytime and there's nothing you can do. In which case you will go through the heartbreak you're trying to avoid anyway. It's a good time now to break the links as you say.

Agree with others you need busy evenings. For when those thoughts creep in. Getting out (even if you don't feel like it) is good. Take your life back. You've only 1 to live.

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