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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please...feel like I am going insane

18 replies

Pinkbunny33 · 26/04/2018 11:34

I have been in a relationship for 15 years,at first it was wonderful and was really happy. My partner admitted to me some years ago that he had a mental health problem. This mental health problem as got worse over the last 5/6 years and as it is a rare form of mental illness the Nhs doctors,psychiatrists and other profesionals have very limited knowledge of it, so he is not getting the correct treatment. He is very bitter that no one really listened or had taken the time to understand his illness or treatment. Due to the lack of mental health care he decided to 'medicate' himself with drink. He as become a liar and and he is very sly and devious about his drinking. He can not work due to his illness and so I am the main bread winner which adds to his problem because he feels guilty about it and thats another reason to drink. His drinking as been really bad the last couple of years and after a long day at work I come home to him drunk and treading on eggshells around him in fear of another arguement. He isnt physically abusive but emotionally so. He puts me on massive guilt trips and emotionally blackmails me. If I say I am leaving he says things like "so you would turn your back on me knowing I have a illness,I would never do that to you"....... the mind games, blackmail and guilt trips have put me in a very dark place. I am so depressed and full of anxiety and I am so battered down that I cant find the strength to leave...I'm living and working a full day on 2 hours sleep a night, I cry all the time and the weight is falling off me. My grown up children (not his) have begged me to leave but I know if I do he will go to their homes banging on the doors in a drunken rage asking where I am...I dont want them to go through that as they have children. When he is sober he is lovely and remorsfull. He asked me to help him stop drinking and to hide his bank cards so he has no way to get money...so I hid them. Yesterday unknown to me he had taken two games to a second hand shop and got £30 for them. Came home last night from work and he is blind drunk and starting yet another row, I found the money this morning and hid it. Today I was so ill at work I had to go home as last night in his drunken state he tried to jump out of the bedroom window. I cant take anymore and it seems my only way out is when I die. I feel so trapped and dont know what to do. Please be kind I am very fragile...sorry its long xx

OP posts:

Wanderwall · 26/04/2018 11:40

You are not responsible for his actions.

If he starts harassing your grown children because you've left then they can phone the police and let them deal with him.

Don't let him blackmail you into staying.

stateschool · 26/04/2018 11:43

Go to your children. If your drunken DP turns up call police

Bexter801 · 26/04/2018 11:48

Your undoubtedly feeling dragged down,no energy and just 'putting up with this',though for how long op,forever? Only you can say enough is enough get up and leave....and deal with consequences after,Or put up with it. No need for me to state how much better and stronger you'll feel if you leave. x

Adora10 · 26/04/2018 11:50

He is abusing you and I don't care if he has a mental illness, you need to get away from him, he sounds intolerable.

Original poster

Pinkbunny33 · 26/04/2018 11:56

Thank you all. Dont know where to find the strength from I am so depressed. I know what you are all saying is true but I am just to tired mentally to go through with it at the moment as much as I want to xx

OP posts:

Adora10 · 26/04/2018 12:02

See it as puling off a plaster, your future will be safe and tranquil once you get out of this living nightmare.

Bexter801 · 26/04/2018 12:04

The only thing I can be pretty sure of op,is your not going to find the strength there.....you'll only get more dragged down and depressed.

Molleroo · 26/04/2018 12:10

I'm so sorry this sounds awful - but you really sound like you need to be free from this. One idea might be to try and get the local mental health team to come out to him - it's not your responsibility to solve his mental health problems but they sound very bad and it might help you if someone else is actively taking responsibility?

RatherBeRiding · 26/04/2018 12:15

I worked in Mental Health for many years and I question this "rare form of mental illness which psychiatrists have little knowledge of". He may well have mental health problems, but that bit sounds b*shit, and he may be in denial/delusion about the reality of his mental health problems and so making stuff up. It happens. A lot.

However, regardless of his exact diagnosis he is being very abusive. You need to leave the relationship immediately for your own sanity and safety. You are not responsible for his problems, and you cannot "fix" him or them.

If he starts banging on doors in a drunken rage - call the police, every time.

All this guilt tripping and emotional blackmail - it's abuse. You need to see it for what it is and cut ties with him.

Original poster

Pinkbunny33 · 26/04/2018 12:17

I agree with everything you are all saying. I think I am going to have to find some inner strength from somewhere and take your advice. Thank you all so much xx

OP posts:

Bexter801 · 26/04/2018 12:24

Oh you have the inner strength op(after all look at how much you have dealt with) Sooner,as soon as possible,is best...no time to over analyse it. x

Original poster

Pinkbunny33 · 26/04/2018 12:25

RatherBeRiding I have been to see every doctor and psychiatrist with him and no one understands his illness. They keep putting it down to anxiety. We paid to see a top consultant in London 4 years ago who specialises in this illness and he diagnosed him and sent a letter to our Gp telling him the course of action he should be taking and what tablets ect. Our Gp gave him tablets that he had taken before and didnt work and also sent him to see another psychiatrist but I asked him about his illness and he replyed "whats that never heard of it?" So I do know they dont understand it and hes not telling lies. Over 20 doctors we have seen and only the one in London knew of it x

OP posts:

curious86 · 26/04/2018 12:44

He is slowly destroying you and your life, I no you say you don't want him turning up at your children's houses but please think of the effect this is having on your children now having to watch you go through this. Please step away from the relationship because you can't help him if he won't help himself

HarryLovesDraco · 26/04/2018 12:46

What is this rare mental illness??

Buckingfrolicks · 26/04/2018 12:57

That sounds appalling. You may get some strength and support from Al Anon?

I'm so sorry, not to have more advice, but totally believe you need to get him to leave. I

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2018 13:00

OP please stop doing this to yourself.
You have every right to get away from this.
You owe it to yourself to get away from this.

A hideous loss of a loved one has really made me see that life is so so short.
You get one shot at this.
You are totally wasting your life on this vile creature.
He is abusive.
He is wasting family money that YOU have to go out and earn.
He is an alcoholic and expects YOU to sort it out.
Please understand:-

YOU didn't cause this.
YOU cannot control it (and you certainly)
Cannot cure it!!!

HE needs to get help for himself.
He is NOT doing that.

Please get in contact with Al-Anon for yourself.
They help people living with alcoholics.

Tell him about AA and tell him to get help.

You are NOT responsible for him.
You are NOT a mental healthcare professional.
YOU cannot save him.
But please, for the love of god, save yourself.

Lorry123 · 26/04/2018 13:10

Is his mental illness 'Narcissistic personality disorder' by any chance? He sounds textbook! Get away and stay away. Emotional abusers will ruin your life. They will never change and miraculously see the error of their ways.

HollowTalk · 26/04/2018 13:18

Why does he think he has this specific illness if experienced psychiatrists haven't heard of it? Is it something he's discovered online?

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