Trial separation - his choice and I'm devastated

[LRNMDB]

Hi. I'm new on here but need somewhere to turn to.

Me and my husband have been together for 13 years, married for 7 and have two beautiful boys who are 3 and 6.

Around 6 weeks ago he told me he isn't happy and wasn't sure if he wanted to stay or leave. I went to my family that weekend and following that we said we would work on it. We went to 2 marriage counselling sessions and were doing ok but then it all took a turn.

I found out he'd kissed someone else on a night out and after that he just shut off and said he wants to leave. I genuinely believe that's all it was and can get over it because that isn't who he is. But that seems to have changed his willingness to work. Since then he was staying at friends houses. One night he came home and I thought he had a change of heart but last Friday he told me he wants to separate.

He's moved in with a family friend and everything is so formal from him now. I'm willing to give him his space but I don't know how to deal with it.

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I tried to find a new way of dealing with it this year but couldn't and have gone back on medication. I'm waiting fur CBT too. He said he's been unhappy for a long time and has tried - but he's never spoken to me or given me a chance to try. He's all I've known from being 18 and my life is built with him. We bought a house in the countryside 2 years ago and have totally renovated it, yes at home things have been monotonous but we do lots of fun things together.

I don't know if he's battling his own demons or just wants out. He's put 3 months on this separation but I don't know how to get through. We have a dream holiday booked in August and I don't know if we'll be going as a family. He put the kids to bed and left last night and I had to deal with my little one sobbing that daddy was gone and my eldest asking questions. It's their birthday party on Sunday and I don't know how to get through it.

I've tried so hard to explain we can work on things. I've cried and (I'm ashamed to say) begged but he won't listen. He just needs this space.
Sorry for waffling on.
Am I stupid for hoping he'll come home?

I do not think your husband is coming back. Battling demons ? Thats a good excuse. He wants out. This seperation I believe will lead to divorce. You need to face that he does not love you anymore.
What you do need to do straight away is prioritise your children by setting a routine for him to be with his children,such as birthdays, He can also explain to them why he is not living with them any more.
I know this is heartbreaking and I sorry this is happening to you.
Go to your GP seek help and support where you can and lets hope the counselling can help you.

I think he wants to do a trial seperation for himself, he's keeping you there in case he decides he does want to get back together after all.

Seems like hes essentially dipping his feet into 3 months of single time knowing his family will be waiting at the end if he gets bored of it.

When you are ready and feeling stronger I would give him the ultimatum, none of this 3 months to make a decision.

I could be totally wrong though please bear in mind reading off literally one post.

Sometimes suggesting a trial separation is an attempt to be 'kind'. Genuinely to give the dumpee time to get used to the idea or for the dumper to avoid facing up to the fallout or both.

I'd assume it was over and start to try to move on. If he wants to come back you moving on won't stop that. You might not want that by then though. And if he doesn't come back you're already on your way to getting over it.

He wants out. So sorry but it’s best you know the truth so you don’t keep hanging around. Cancel the birthday party. You can’t be expected to cope with all of that right now. Tell people you will reschedule in the summer once the shock has all worn off. Go see a solicitor and start getting all your ducks in a row :(

Sounds like he's in another relationship. Don't put up with his crap, don't stay in limbo for him to make his mind up.

The exW pulled the “I need space” line. In her case she was having an affair but either way, I think someone saying this is really intent on it being permanent.

Sorry OP - as pp have said, I think you need to treat this as if it’s the end of the marriage and plan (and grieve) accordingly. It’s shit for you and the DC - and probably him too - but you won’t change his mind by begging. In fact, you’re more likely to widen the gap.

The trial separation is.. he wants to see if the grass is greener and what other options are available but if he decides they are not better than you or doesn't get any offers then you are better than nothing and will do.

Don't be a back up option. Take yourself off his playing field and start making life/plans/arrangements as a single person. Arrange when he will have the DC etc and start the balling rolling to officially separate yourself from him.

Fake it until you feel it.

You deserve better than to be a fall back option.

The moment any man says he wants a trial separation or a break.... I'd consider it over and if married proceed to file for divorce

What are the terms of the separation?
No dating?
No sexual relationships with others?
Is proper visitation going to be put in place?

Start acting like you are having an amazing life without him TODAY.

Ensure that he has contact with the children alone and takes responsibility for them at least one full day and night at the weekend.

If he wants to see if the grass is greener you must show him the reality

When you see him act happy but very detached. Don’t show an interest in his life etc

I know it’s hard but save your sadness for when he isn’t around

Do consider though that he must have been unhappy in some way if he has been kissing other women. If you get back together you must address his discontentment together

It’s over, he wants to go be with another woman (or women) thinking the grass is greener but he wants to keep you onside as a “back up” plan so he doesn’t have to be alone.

My ex-H did the same thing just a generic “I’m not happy” out of the blue, wouldn’t do counselling or anything, I moved out within 2wks and he tried to keep me onside with the whole “you’re my best friend and I love you and I couldn’t imagine a life without you” while simultaneously dating another woman (who I believe he cheated on me with) and then tried to turn it back on me with the whole “you just moved out and left me”. It was emotional manipulation where he’d called quits on our marriage without giving it a chance and then tried to sell it to me that it was my fault.

We met up about 11mths after we had separated and I asked him point blank if he loved the other woman and he said “no” so I said “why are you with her then?” And he said “I don’t like to be alone”, so I left it and moved on. He’s since married her and moved overseas, I give their marriage about the same length as ours to be honest. I’ve realised now he’s deeply unhappy within himself and his partners are just collateral damage.

I'm sorry - it sounds like you are in a tricky situation. Find a way to help you stay strong. One thing I would say is - its sad but its human nature to not desire as much the things which come easy. You need to let him know you are also thinking about a life without him. Its understandable that you are devastated right now - but you might find when the dust clears you are actually happier without him. It might not feel like it - but you are incredibly young still - loads of time in life to explore what you like and want from life. My sister's finance left her when she was about 34. She was absolutely devastated...but went on to marry one of her best males friends who she's known for years. She said her finance leaving her was one of the best things that ever happened - she had a chance to reevaluate what she wanted in a life partner and found a guy who made her truly happy and loved her completedly for herself.

You're his fall back option if it doesn't work out elsewhere.

Please don't let him do this to you, you don't have to accept this.

Sorry to say OP, agree with PP's.

I did this once (as ashamed as I am to admit it) to my ex and it was for the exact reasons PP's said.

I said I wanted a 'trial separation' when actually all I wanted was to try out being single, see if I could have some fun and meet some new people and basically shag around with the comfort blanket of my ex waiting there for me when I was done. Abhorrent, I know, but I was young.

Sorry, OP. You deserve a lot better. I would say the same about my ex but I got my comeuppance as he was a right shiter.

What a horrible shock for you. I can only echo what everyone else said. I didn't listen to the advice he messed me about for six months and still broke my heart and left me broke.
Be strong. Let people support you. Eat when you can. Seek professional help if you need it. Don't put it off. You need to stay strong for your children. But don't let him push you around. Set your boundaries now and stick to them. And go as no contact as you can.

Personally I wouldn't agree to the trial separation. As others have said I think he wants to test the water and know he has youvto come back to if things don't work out. Respect yourself and remind yourself that you deserve better than this. I know from experience what a shit time this is firvyou but things will get better it just takes time and you need time to get over the shock of what's happened. Arrange for him to take the kids and make plans with your friends - start concentrating on you. Xxxx

There’s not one part of what he’s said or in any of his actions, that would suggest he’s coming back

He said it was a trial just to get himself out of the house. He has had his head turned big style, there will be no coming back from this, you need to try move on OP.