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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friends husband is leaving her - need practical advice - please help.

24 replies

Kayleigh · 08/08/2004 16:15

One of my closest friends daisydoolittle (she is a new mumsnetter and a few of you have met her) found out this week that her husband of 11 years, and father to her two children (ds6 and dd2) has been having an affair for the past year. It looks very much like he will be leaving her and the kids in the next week or so.
The emotional side of things is being dealt with at present by her family and friends although I am sure she will be on here eventually for some support. She has asked me to find out for her what she should do re finacial/practical issues. Her husband and her are being reasonably friendly at the moment and if things continue that way there shouldn't be too much financial hardship. But who knows what's going to happen down the line.
Can anyone tell me what benefits, help she is entitled to ???
She doesn't work, he is the main earner and they have no savings to speak of. He runs a company car and her car is quite new bought on finance with a loan in his name.
Thanks so much.

OP posts:
tammybear · 08/08/2004 16:30

She should see a solicitor, but she will be entitled to income support, and that will allow her to claim for housing and council benefit (if she's renting). There's the other benefits like Child Tax Credit which would go up if she notifies them that she is claiming as a single mum. Also when she's on income support, if she can find a solicitor who does it, she can get legal aid which she wouldnt have to pay for certain amount. I went through it all with exp1, and even though it does seem hard, she will manage. I have done somehow for a year now! (god times gone quick!) They will also need to sort out contact with the children and maintenance. With my exp1, we arranged it ourselves, but at the moment, he isnt coming to see dd, and he is messing me about with child maintenance. If they are still on good speaking terms, then it might be better for them to agree something, or if she feels better about it, get her to contact CSA (but when she applies for income support there will be an option for that anyway). I cant think of anything else but if I do, Ill let you know. Hope everything's okay for her.

WideWebWitch · 08/08/2004 16:39

Poor her. What a shit. She shouldn't leave the house - he should be the one to leave. He needs to continue to pay the mortgage. She might want to point out to him that everything they own, including house/car/cash count as joint marital assets and he is not at liberty to dispose of any of them. She can make him wait 5 years for a divorce if she feels like it and until then there will be no division of the house or anything other assets. It is (I think I'm right in saying) completely down to the judge as to who gets what when everything is divided. She needs to get a very good solicitor.

tammybear · 08/08/2004 16:47

this might be of some use here

Original poster
Kayleigh · 08/08/2004 18:26

Thanks for this. That link is great tammybear that will help. They own their own home and he will continue to pay mortgage. As i said things are fairly amicable at the moment but I want to make sure she has everything in place in case it all goes pear shaped. Have read enough threads on here to know that these things can start out amicable but as time goes on ....
WWW there is no question of her leaving the home. He will be the one that leaves. He believes his future is with this female he's been having the affair with (let's just call her The Bitch for now) and he will more than likely go to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayleigh · 09/08/2004 10:47

If they agree finacial terms between them can they keep the CSA out of it ?
Also should any terms be written down and signed by both of them - or will this be done by the solicitor ?

OP posts:
tammybear · 09/08/2004 10:53

Me and exp1 arranged maintenance ourselves, so we didnt have CSA involved. They should have something in writing. Maybe a letter from the solicitor just to confirm what they have decided. I didnt do that with exp1, and he changed the maintenance without telling me

essbee · 09/08/2004 11:23

Message withdrawn

MeanBean · 09/08/2004 11:25

As long as she's not on benefits, she can keep the CSA out of it and she'll probably be better off doing so.

Chinchilla · 09/08/2004 20:56

No practical advice, but tell her we are all here for her for emotional support if she needs it.

peachypie · 09/08/2004 21:12

just been through this myself. if not working then she can claim income support about £55.00 a week for parent and even if not working or working less than 16 hours per week can claim child tax credit 2 kids about £90.00 a week and and also the child benefit on top of that.

peachypie · 09/08/2004 21:21

also you can keep csa out of it if you are on benefits as long as you give a reason that will be accepted they need to believe that there would be a risk of undue distress to yourself or children if csa was to seek maintenance on your behalf.

Original poster
Kayleigh · 09/08/2004 23:16

she doesn't work so will need to claim benefits but really would prefer to keep CSA out of things if possible. What sort of reason would you be able to give peachypie that would stop CSA becoming involved. Would they accept amicable agreement between parties that may become unamicable (if there is such a word!) if CSA were involved ?

OP posts:
essbee · 09/08/2004 23:42

Message withdrawn

tammybear · 10/08/2004 11:07

I just told IS that me and exp had come to our own arrangements without going to CSA, they were quite alright about it.

Original poster
Kayleigh · 10/08/2004 11:14

essbee, sorry if i'm being thick but can I clarify. Are you saying that if maintenance is amicably agreed between husband and wife that CSA will not have to be involved ?

one more question does "maintenance" cover mortgage or is this a saparate issue. If he is paying mortgage which would be more than 25% of his salary does he still pay maintainance. Or does paying maintenance mean he doesn't have to pay mortgage and she will have to cover that ?

OP posts:
tammybear · 10/08/2004 11:22

im not sure about that, as i didnt have problems with that as i rent. although when my mum and dad seperated, my mum asked my dad to keep paying the mortgage as maintenance

melsy · 10/08/2004 14:17

Just a message of support for kayleighs friend. I dont have much in the way of practical help.I only have other life experinces to talk from that cause trauma and shock. So I just wanted to come on and say that I known this time is hard and scary and shocking and you will go thorugh all kinds of terrbile moments whilst you come to terms with it, but when you manage to see it all from the other side you will know that you are a strong, vibrant, funny and beautiful person inside & out and if he has not been able to see that and celebrate it then he does not deserve you. Weve only met a couple of times but I just wnated to say what I felt and recognised as my first feelings. I hope this sounds sincere,as I have not experinced this at all, but I say as I believe. When your ready and able to talk we will all be here for you to talk and let it all out. Im sorry for the pain, hurt and anger you will feel over the next period in your life. I hope it passes quickly. Its best to let it take its course.

karen99 · 10/08/2004 14:42

Oh daisydoolittle...I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I can't believe it I'm sure Kayleigh will get the answers you need, but in the mean time I just wanted to send you HUGS]]]] and a xxxbig kissxxx to your beautiful dd (and ds even though we've not met).

peachypie · 11/08/2004 00:05

kayleigh, the reason i gave was that my exh was paying the mortgage and a little extra for bills and if the csa became involved he wouldnt be able to pay maint aswell as mortgage and we would be forced to sell the house because i couldnt afford to keep it and this would cause undue distress and unknown harm to myself, my baby and my 3yr old son. it worked for me thats alli can tell you. hope this helps x

essbee · 11/08/2004 00:06

Message withdrawn

essbee · 11/08/2004 00:22

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Kayleigh · 11/08/2004 10:03

essbee & peachypie thanks for this. I understand now. You have been really helpful. Will pass this all on. She is going to see a solicitor on Monday, her mum is sorting an appointment and is aware about the free 30 mins so we are preparing questions to make the most of the free time.

OP posts:
essbee · 11/08/2004 10:22

Message withdrawn

anorak · 16/08/2004 12:28

Sorry, I was on holiday when all this happened. I was really shocked and upset to hear what your husband did, daisydoolittle, really I feel no one can trust anyone any more, one day you have a family and a husband and a couple of days later you are a single parent. How can anyone advise you how to cope with the shock and sadness of such a thing? Yet it happens all the time, as we see here on mumsnet.

And all this is no consolation to you at the present time. Others have given excellent practical advice - all I can add is that I am sorry, and that you have my total support now and in the months ahead as you come to terms with a new life - my wish is that it will be better than you thought you could hope for. xxx

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