I've name changed because I'm embarrassed!
When I was 18 I met a guy, who was 19. He was one of those people that others gravitate towards to. Larger than life and magnetic. He was also a total shitbag - drink, drugs, casual disregard for the law and a general posh-boy-I'm-better-than-other-people-attitude.
He took a liking to me and I reciprocated big time, incredibly flattered by his attention with little understanding of the extent of his issues. I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend but that didn't matter. We were at it like rabbits pretty quickly. I broke it off my boyfriend (told him the truth, I'd cheated) but he didn't break up with the girlfriend. She dumped him when she cottoned on a few months later.
We continued shagging, on and off, for 4 years. We were never in a relationship - for the whole 4 years we never brought it up. We just had no strings attached fun and it was bloody brilliant. The chemistry between us was something else. The sex too, was amazing. We'd have so much fun together - one time he turned up at my front door at 11pm and told me he'd booked flights to Berlin and we were leaving now, and we went. It was this exciting, carefree caution-to-the-wind time in my life that I look back on very fondly.
He was, however, still a total shit. His drug use got worse, he got kicked out of uni and basically fucked everything up. At some point during year 4 of our fling he became irritable, irrational and I started to feel unsafe in his company, so I called time on us and pretty much ghosted him. He would call me in the middle of the night for nearly 3 years after. He was always drunk, looking for a booty call I'm sure, so I never answered.
We are now 33/34. I hear about him through the grapevine (lots of mutual friends and once he ran as a candidate in our local elections, so I got pictures of his face shoved through the door). He seems to be doing well - got himself clean, his mental health in order, finished his degree and is making a decent living.
Yesterday I had a Facebook request and message from him. It reads:
"I know this is out of the blue, but I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for everything that happened between us. I spent that part of my life caught up in my own bravado and it's a sincere regret that I let you get away. I hope it's not too late.
I want to be honest with you. I know you are married now, but I'd love us to be more than friends. If something is missing... if late at night, you find yourself indulging in what ifs, I'd love nothing more than to see you again. I'm so angry with myself for how we turned out and I wish things were different."
What the fuck does a person reply to that?
I am married to a wonderful man who is the centre of my world. I'd rather hack off my own limbs with a blunt object than do anything to hurt him and our relationship. But there is a 'one that got away' part of my brain that has let me indulge in the fantasy this afternoon.
Do I reply? My rational head knows to ignore and leave this in the past, but the 18 year old thrill seeker in me wants to see what happens next.
Please talk some sense into me!