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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Brother in-law driving us apart

20 replies

Monday2018 · 25/04/2018 17:15

Hi,

I met my husband 11 years ago and we got married 5 years ago. I got on well with the family before we married. But since we married and bought our house together, which needed renovating, they have put a strain on our relationship, which is now at breaking point as a result.

We got married abroad and his brother and sister on-law decided they wasn't coming until last minute. At which point we gave them a car parking ticket saving them £125 and the plan had always been we would need to put the wedding items in the father car which my husband was driving, and so we made it clear that we wouldn't be able to help them with any bags that they couldn't get in their own car. The night before the leaving for the wedding, the brother in-law called me to find out our plans and we agreed to meet at Brewster. We waited there in the morning but they didn't turn up. They had gone straight down to the fathers and filled the boot up and we were left with no room for the wedding things to go in there. We are t a lot of money to take them on holidays for our wedding and I feel they avoided us throughout which was a big disappointment as I would have loved to have created some happy memories of us all together.

We came back and things seemed fine, I decided to let it go and move on.

We bought a major renovation project about 3.5 years ago which was going to be our first home. We anticipated it would take 1 year to renovate but soon after we bought it the brother in-law and father became highly demanding.

It started with the parents wanting my husband to do a new bathroom for them. A complete gut which took my husband 4 weeks. Then their guttering, followed by new wooden flooring in the conservatory, new fencing and decking in their back garden, new roof, new kitchen and so on. All requests would always come from the brother in-law and father.

Whilst all this was going on the brother in-law was also wanting my husband to help with his house laying slabs, fixing roof, cutting grass, plastering walls and so on. They would t take no for an answer and my husband with the stain of trying to also do our house became ill and had to give up his job, leaving me paying all the bills for the past 3 years.

Obviously with one income coming in, our money needed to go a long way, but I found his brother in-law repeatedly ringing and asking for our building materials to do his house up. Hinges for gates, plaster boards, screws, ply boards , silicon, cement, scrip tape, wooden beams and use of our barn for storing fire wood, putting things in our skip without asking and so on constantly.

My husband, myself and our daughter went on holiday and had a fantastic time. When back we called to his parents with a gift. Whilst there the father said to me he was going to make sure that I and my husband had no time for one another. I felt sick.

The brother on-law expects my husband to drop everything and jump. We were on our way out to choose pain when he rang once and wanted my husband to go and pick s bed frame up with him. My husband said no problem I'll go with you to get it when we are back from B&Q. His brother wasn't happy with that and was quite vocal that he wasn't happy about it. My husband then takes it put on me, saying he can't please everyone and he's fed up of bing stuck in the middle. I told my husband to go and I would get the paint myself. The bed was left outside in the trailer for 3 days! So I didn't see why it was so urgent to have collected it then.

My husband is now saying that I'm driving a barrier between him and his family and he won't take it no more.

Please please help. How can I make him realise it is not me causing this. We are now at breaking point and I am so so depressed with it all.

OP posts:

flumpybear · 25/04/2018 17:21

Sounds toxic! Have you done up your own house yet?

DelphiniumBlue · 25/04/2018 17:22

So DH was well enough to to do major building works on 3 different houses, but not able to work for 3 years? It doesn't ring true, I'm afraid. I suspect he decided not to work and let you take the financial strain, so that he could pander to his relatives.
I really think the normal course of action in those circumstances would be to say no to family, rather than giving up work.
I think you have A DH problem, he's taking you for a ride.

Jon66 · 25/04/2018 17:23

Perhaps you might want to reconsider your position within the marriage. Your husband will not say no to his brother and father so what are your options? Only you can make that decision.

Original poster

Monday2018 · 25/04/2018 17:28

Hi, thanks for your messages. No our house is still not liveable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Monday2018 · 25/04/2018 17:57

This would be my husband's 3rd relationship.

From what I know, his previous partner blamed his family for them breaking up. And during his 1st relationship his brother told him he saw his partner coming down the stairs doing her top button of her blouse up whilst her sisters partner was working in their house and coming down the stairs.

I don't won't this relationship to break down as we have a seven year old together and I do love him.

OP posts:

DownTownAbbey · 25/04/2018 21:36

Why does he jump when his family calls? Do they have a financial hold over him? This is ridiculous.

Fiera · 25/04/2018 21:42

Your husband is blaming YOU because he cant get his prioritys right?

Northernparent68 · 25/04/2018 21:51

The behaviour of your in laws is horrific but do you have any insight into why they are trying to break you up, and why your husband lets them.

Juells · 25/04/2018 21:58

Why would your FiL say something so absolutely demented?

Twogoround · 25/04/2018 22:10

You won't win . As your husband puts his famliy 1st. And always will do . You need to leave and put your child 1st .
I speak from experience. Here
Please have my 1st LTB .

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 25/04/2018 22:23

Your in-laws sound utterly vile but your problem is unfortunately your husband. He could say no but chooses not to-I don't think this will ever change. He will never put you & your child first, so you should-I would leave him.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/04/2018 22:24

Your H is the problem and always will be. Leave him, it's pointless.

magoria · 25/04/2018 22:32

Your H has already been through 2 relationships and is allowing his family to destroy his 3rd.

He is putting them over you and your DC. He would rather go and make their homes better than make yours habitable for you and your DC.

There will come a stage where you no longer love him. I think you need to sit down and have a blunt talk that his family are destroying his 3rd relationship and he either steps up now (with counselling on how to deal with them) or your marriage will be over.

Sooner would be better than putting up with this shit and then it ending after years more of misery.

Gemini69 · 25/04/2018 22:40

You have the patience of a bloody Saint.... your Husband is a Dick... get rid

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2018 11:31

Your DH is a total cock.
He's letting his family dictate what he does to ensure he is away from his own family.
This is HIS issue.
He could say no.
He chooses not to.
Time to cut your losses here.
Get away from the toxic lot of them.
For your sake and that of your DS!!

30dayseplease · 26/04/2018 11:35

I see this as a problem with your husbands priorities rather than your inlaws.

Cawfee · 26/04/2018 11:44

Book to see a counsellor and make him go. Your DH needs somebody professional to help him set boundaries. Ask him if he wants 3 failed relationships. If not then get his butt to counselling. He’s casting you as the villain so it needs somebody else to tell him. Your in laws sound bat shit crazy. I feel for you. Try the counselling but if it doesn’t work or he won’t go then leave him and hope the shock sorts him out. You can’t carry on like this forever!

CousinKrispy · 26/04/2018 11:56

Yes, ask your husband if he wants to save his marriage. His family sounds completely toxic, but he is enabling them to remain that way while he keeps jumping to help them out. It's going to take hard (emotional) work on his part to change that pattern. Is he willing to do it? Or does he value his parents and brother more than you?

i'm sorry you have to deal with this. It is very unfair on you.

Isetan · 27/04/2018 14:57

You don't have a BIL or FIL problem, you have a spineless H problem and you can't fix that. Your H is blaming you for his inability to stand up to his family because it's easy, convenient and you take it.

Your options are simple suck it up or leave, waiting around for him or his family to be different is a waste of your time.

notapizzaeater · 27/04/2018 15:02

Your dh needs to,man up and say no to his family.

Flip