Understanding ghosting

[YellowArdvark]

I'm 100% sure I'm now a few days into being ghosted. It's horrible. First there is the moment about an hour after getting your last message when you realise the conversation is over, but then it never picks up the next day as you would expect, or the day after that, so hope slowly fades over time rather than being given the facts you need to deal and move on right away.

And, because the last message to the other person is a specific and big request of them (me telling them to take their time to decide if they want to see me but could they please let me know either way when they do decide?) knowing you can't follow up without looking needy or awful or undignified.

I know no response usually means no, but I wondered if anyone has been the ghoster and its ever meant otherwise?

At what point does the hope die for most of you if you are ghosted?

And I also wondered - I am going to see this person again as our lives overlap. How to manage this?

Sorry about all the questions - I just get socially anxious and this is triggering it quite badly

I think for your own sanity you should take control of the situation and phone him- have a conversation. You are an adult and if nothing comes of this and he is not interested so be it, move onto someone who is interested.
I always go by the attitude that you shouldn't have to persuade someone to spend time with you. It shouldn't be this angst ridden in these early stages!
It is a horrible feeling to be ghosted but it shows you what a person is like if they can be that callous.

If someone has to think about whether they want to see you then they don't. Cut your losses and move on.

I think no answer is your answer, as you know: but if you need more clarification then just send a message saying that you're taking from their lack of response that they aren't interested and so will leave things here, and if that goes unanswered too, you can be certain that's how they meant no response to be received.

People who want to see you don't go silent on you. I'm very busy and have a lot of plates to juggle socially and professionally - but if I know I'd like to see someone again but don't know exactly when I can fit them in I'll send a "holding message" saying exactly that but making it clear it's not about lack of interest. I'm also not a texty person and often don't respond to messages right away (and get annoyed when people start hassling me for a response after only an hour or so) but any longer than 24 hours or so and I'd assume that indicates no interest.

I know it's difficult in practice but don't take it personally. It's far more about them than you, they don't dislike you or think badly off you, you aren't a horrible person; they just don't feel any chemistry but don't have the confidence or articulacy to tell you so.

Thanks all. It's just been a fairly intense time and I had at least expected an actual response. I may give it some more time and then follow up, or just let it slide.

I'm worried about bumping into him though as we live near each other and have no idea how to act, but have to remember the shame here isn't mine.

If you bump into him just smile and say hello. No need for you to feel ashamed, you gave something a go and it didn't work out. If he has indeed ghosted you however, it's him who should feel ashamed of his cowardly behaviour.
You deserve better treatment than this.

I hate ghosting. There's no excuse for it in my opinion. If I'd invested more than one date in someone, I wouldn't let them ghost me. I'd ring them and force them to speak to me. It's basic politeness.

Sorry OP I remember when this happened to me. Been seeing a guy for about 3 months, chatting most days and he stayed over once or twice a week. One night we had two shags and when I woke up in the morning he had gone. Never saw or heard from him again It really hurt so I understand but try to remember that there are much nicer people out there.

Please don't "follow up" or "ask for closure" or send one last final message to "make it clear" that it is over - it IS over and YOU can make that decision, without needing the other person formally notified in writing.

I've been ghosted in the past and it's awful but all this "one last message" stuff is just you begging for contact and it makes you feel even worse when it inevitably goes unanswered.

Delete his number from your phone and go about your business. If it makes you feel any better (and it usually does me) I near-as-damnit guarantee that you haven't heard the last of him - in a few weeks or months you'll get some pathetic attempt to start sniffing round you again and see if he can get you accept his silence as "being busy" and if you're desperate enough to still want his attention. deleting his number allows for your "sorry who is this?" to be so much more genuine

How long have you been seeing him, how many dates etc? I think I wouldn't contact him at all, as your last message was really clear. It's possible he will contact you in coming days and you don't want to close the door to that if you may still be interested. I think men often need more time and space to think than women, so I wouldn't push him, it's pointless, if he wants to contact you he will.

I think if you're having to ask someone to "take their time to decide if they want to see you" you probably already have your answer.

In your shoes, I'd take control and decide that you don't want to be with someone who can't give you the common decency of letting you know one way or another and move on. If you happen to bump into them either be polite or ignore them completely. Don't allow them to take up another moment of your thought.