How to move on from not feeling good enough after lies and betrayal?

[RubyN]

Its been 2 months since my long distance boyfriend broke up with me, and I was doing a bit better until 1) I found out he had left me for someone else, not from me, but from her tagging him on social media and 2) I think I'm feeling it more now because I'm due to go back home to the city he is in - where we were meant to move in together.

Last year, i found out my ex had been involved in two emotional affairs. It started right around the time we moved in together for a trial period (after which he said 'I have loved living with you so much and I want us to live together when you return'). Because he was so remorseful and I was madly in love, I gave him another chance. He wrote me letters saying he regretted getting so close to other women and that I would be the priority from now on. And I was for a few months, he spoke to the women saying he'd got too close to them and was committed to me.

Basically he was talking about how he viewed me as his long term partner, the kids we would have together & spending Christmas/New Year with me - the next month, he left me and already had a new girlfriend as though what we had together meant nothing. I had never heard of her, so obviously after all his promises he was getting to know this woman behind my back as though our relationship meant nothing.

I've been trying to make myself feel better: with a new haircut, or a new outfit. Its not even a looks thing - the OW is significantly worse looking, so now I'm left feeling that he hated the internal me, even though he fed me BS about how great I am during the break up. But I feel like nothing. I can't understand why he was never happy with me and always reaching for something else - it makes me feel deficient in some way and its very painful.

It doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with you. It sounds like he’s desperately insecure and likes his ego stroked. He will do the same to the OW, and the OW after her, I guarantee it.

In my mind I feel like he did it because what I offered wasn't what he wanted.

The main reason why is because: my ex plays a sport, and before he met me, he always, without fail, only dated other women that also played his sport. His life revolved around it in a way.

The women he had an emotional affair with, and the woman he left me for in the end, all played this sport. I tried it a few times and enjoyed it, but it was never going to be my no. 1 thing because I have my own passions.

Right up until the break up he told me he 'enjoyed our differences' because I introduced him to new things and vice versa. He said all the new things I brought into his life made him love me more - and we had plenty in common, like hiking, cooking, movies, etc. During the break he said we had nothing in common! Which just wasn't true.

If you do some reading about the psychology of an affair, it is very rarely about the affair partner being 'better' than the spouse. That is why the vast majority of adulterers beg forgiveness when the affair is discovered, why they can't explain why they did it.

It is about the thrill of the chase, the excitement, the secrets and the huge ego boost.

These are all things you cannot recreate in an established relationship, so please don't beat yourself up for not giving him what he wanted, you were never going to be able to.

In addition, the top precursor to an affair is opportunity, and his hobby provided him with that too.

You were never going to be good enough for him, nobody ever will be. He will always be chasing someone or something, an endless stream of women who think they'll be the one to change him. Be glad you found out sooner rather than later and learn what you can from the experience.

These are all things you cannot recreate in an established relationship, so please don't beat yourself up for not giving him what he wanted, you were never going to be able to.

Thanks for these words RainyApril. He actually said he was still very attracted to me but no longer felt a 'spark' (but our sex life certainly hadn't been diminished!). So I honestly read that as 'the honeymoon period is over and I want it back,' I was his first serious relationship, as he only had flings before..

I had to speak to my managers about how my mental health was suffering in order to shift how we did things temporarily. I've been having nightmares too, about him and the OW. Last night I woke up seeming to have a sort of panic attack, could hardly breathe etc. I also had 2 panic attacks after the emotional affairs, something I've never had before.

You know he even said he was 'happy' in the relationship during the emotional affairs, but 'lonely' deep inside. I will never understand why it was worth it to mess around and throw away a loving relationship. I am struggling with that question.

I don't honestly think there are good answers to why someone cheats. It's a waste of your emotional energy to try to figure it out in the long run.

Have you access to any counselling services through work or could you go to your GP, if it's bad enough that it's affecting your work and giving you panic attacks?

Hi category12, thanks for your answer. I am in a foreign country at the moment, soon going back to the UK, so there is no point in starting counselling here. The during the day panic attacks have ended since the relationship has, but I suppose if the nighttime ones persist I should talk to the doctor.

Even though Iogically know it won't help to think about it I feel like my other half has been taken away - when really he just gladly walked out. Its hard when I think of the person I loved and can't match that up with the person that left me for someone else.

It is very hard op. It is not just losing someone you love, it is knowing they made a conscious decision to hurt you, and to prioritise someone else. A lot of us have been through it. Whenever I find myself looking at photos of ow and wondering what's so special about her, I remind myself of all the beautiful, wealthy and talented women in the public eye who have experienced adultery. Hard to believe there's a good reason for cheating on Beyoncé it's not you op, it's him. Thank goodness you found out sooner rather than later.