How do you reconcile being the one who left and broke your EA's heart?

[KriticalSoul]

i'm really struggling with it.

Sounds daft, but I left him because of EA.. he wasn't a happy man, he sucked the joy out of life, home was a constant barrage of being called lazy, of him muttering, of never being happy, shouting, tempers, slamming doors, giving orders, harassing me for sex, telling me I couldn't go out, calling me lazy... it was just miserable, and I had enough.

He really struggled to let me go, and we're trying to keep it friendly for our DC's but he's constantly making out like he's the victim, like i'm the 'bad' person for leaving him.

Yes I left him, yes I 'broke his heart' yes I tore his life in two and he's now struggling and depressed... but he made my life hell.

Why do I feel so guilty? Why can't I feel like the 'victim' in this after everything he did?

You didn't "break his heart"

He is still trying to emotionally abuse you and keep you thinking about him and his reactions and his emotions - him him him.

If he is struggling to let you go that is his problem - not yours. What he is really struggling with is not having your emotions to play football with for entertainment.

You don't actually have to talk to him much to be friendly. If he starts on about his victimhood just say "better not to talk about that. have a nice time with the kids" If that doesn't work, start communicating by text only.

He'll probably start on another woman soon enough.

OMG, listen to yourself, the man was abusing you and yet he's the victim, yeah he's a victim of his own making and nastiness, OP don't give it any more head space, I am amazed you are actually listening to the idiot.

He has one foot back in the door already, I can tell by the tone of your post.

he'll soon move on, and it's his fault you left. simple. if he wasn't an abuser you wouldn't have gone. block and forget and let time work its magic - it's served me very well

I wish he would, i'm convinced he still thinks i'm just having a midlife crisis and am going to 'come to my senses' and go back to him.

Not a cat in hells chance of it.

He thinks he's mr perfect and any woman would be privileged to have him as their partner...

He cooks, he cleans, he earns a good wage, he helps around the house, he helps with the kids... on the tin he's a good catch...

When you unwrap him though? he's controlling, bad tempered, a constant martyr and has absolutely no respect for his partner.

This is just how men like this operate op. You can't convince them otherwise - they move through life being victims. It's how they extract care from others. If they stopped being victims in their own minds, they'd have to take accountability for their own happiness and they don't want to do that.

Let him be. He can believe whatever he wants.

What you need to work on is accepting that sometimes, folk aren't going to approve of you, and that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's a hard thing to learn especially after living with an abuser who puts you down and makes you beg for love x

"He has one foot back in the door already, I can tell by the tone of your post."

Absolutely not, wasted far too many years on him and his miserable, grumpy, shouty attitude for that to happen!

My post is about me not feeling like I can be 'the victim' if you like because he's taking the Oscar for that because I'm the meanie who broke us up.

My post is about me not feeling like I can be 'the victim' if you like because he's taking the Oscar for that because I'm the meanie who broke us up.

But that is his narrative - it doesn't have to be yours. Given what he is like you hardly expected him to say "darling I was a grumpy bastard, I'm so sorry for what I did to you".

Don't listen to him. and if he does do the victim thing, just laugh in your head at him and think "so glad I don't have to live with this any more"

You don't need to be a victim either - you got out. you have a whole life ahead of you.

But OP, abusive men never do end it, it takes the woman to do it, otherwise the same cycle of abuse just carries on, for them, it's their norm.

He should be consumed by guilt that he subjected you to a life of abuse. Think about how even now he's making this all about him, his feelings.
He sabotaged the relationship with his aggression, foul attitude and prolonged abuse of his partner. Yet still he's taking no responsibility for this?

Well done for having the strength to leave Please don't feel guilty.