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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you be willing to forgive an affair?

22 replies

rowan1971 · 14/05/2007 11:07

There have been so many threads recently started by women whose husbands are having affairs, or at the least behaving very badly. I'm always surprised at how hard the posters are willing to work at salvaging the relationships, sometimes even when their DP/DH is saying very categorically that he doesn't want to. I'm full of admiration for these women, who seem so willing to forgive, and to do a lot of hard emotional work while analysing their relationships. However, at the same time, part of me finds it incredible that they are even contemplating forgiveness. If my partner did the dirty on me, or I caught him behaving badly with another woman, he really would be out on his ear within minutes. I'm not bragging - I'm not even sure that my attitude is 'right', given that we have two liile 'uns, but there's just no way I'd tolerate it.

What about you? Is my attitude ridiculously brittle and old-fashioned?

OP posts:

PregnantGrrrl · 14/05/2007 11:12

Yes, i could. If DP was in love with someone else, then i would walk away, but otherwise i think people are fallable, and there are circumstances when people behave badly or out of character.

I have loved him for almost 9 years, and i wouldn't simply walk away from him if he was sorry and regretted it. Of course it would break my heart, and probably consume me for some time, (and i'd probably smack him one) but i would try to work out why it happened and what we could do from there.

If he loved her though, that would be the end for me. And i think the grief would kill me TBH

Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 11:13

I really, really hope it never happens, but yes, if it did, I would certainly want to sit down and talk about it and decide with my partner how we were going to move forward.

One of my girlfriends says her biggest regret in her divorce was that she and her ex-husband never got to talk things through. She thinks that their divorce was probably inevitable, but that it would have been much less destructive had she and her ex at least decided on it after quite a lot of reflection and self-analysis rather than in a heated dispute.

ScottishThistle · 14/05/2007 11:14

I couldn't forgive as I know it'd always be at the forefront of my mind!

lou33 · 14/05/2007 11:14

i think it would depend on how long it had been going on, if he had fallen in love with the other person, lots of things

Nbg · 14/05/2007 11:15

I certainly wouldn't forgive.

However its very easy to say what you will or will not do in these situations when you arent actually faced with it.

sniff · 14/05/2007 11:15

for me it depends on wether it was just sex or another relationship

sex with someone once I could probably forgive, a whole other relationship I would never trust him again and would be really bitter so it would be for the best if we split up

SoupDragon · 14/05/2007 11:15

Once, yes. Twice, probably not.

rabbleraiser · 14/05/2007 11:16

A well-worded OP, rowan! Mine would be out on his ear, too. Mind you, that's so much easier to say when I know that no one else would have him!

Lizzylou · 14/05/2007 11:16

I would like to think that now we have children I would be able to forgive, I know I would find it nigh on impossible to forget.

IdrisTheDragon · 14/05/2007 11:17

I would forgive DH.

babygrand · 14/05/2007 11:17

I would. But then again I find it unlikely anyone would have an affair with my dh.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 14/05/2007 11:17

Same as Soupdragon.

Plus I'd much profer him to tell me himself, rather than it coming out in some horrid way

munz · 14/05/2007 11:18

a one night stand I probably could but a full on whole affair no I don't think so. if it was something from before we were married then I could possibly yes - I think to an extent when we got married a line was drawn under everything prior to that so we started a fresh iycwim. anything after no I don't think so. would need a lot of space to work things out - as in seperate houses etc if we would carry on.

i'd want to try for j's sake, but don't think i'd have the strenght to stand by him. I guess it would depend on the circ's and situation etc at/if the time arose.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2007 11:18

No, because I wouldn't be able to trust him fully again.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 14/05/2007 11:19

Rowan you can't know what you would do 'until' (and I hope it never does!) happens to you. You can only think you will behave a certain way.

NappiesGalore · 14/05/2007 11:19

i dnt really see it as a simple matter of one hurts andother forgives. im not sure forgiees is whats going on in most cases. more like a determined attempt to keep family together .
sincerely doubt i could 'forgive' such a fundemental betrayal of trust. id be just as unsttled if he swore blind he wouldnt , i dunno, play golf and then did anyway. its the saying you wnt do somethng then doing it anyway that i culdnt 'get'. just be f'ing honest fgs.
certainly dont think i could live with someone who showed such a lack of respect for me.

mosschops30 · 14/05/2007 11:19

I used to think that I would kick him to the kerb. However the longer we spend together and the childrne etc I'm not sure I could just walk away.

It would entirely depend on the situation and boy would he pay for it, but I might forgive a one-night indiscretion for some reason (not drunk thats not an excuse), but I couldnt forgive an ongoing thing

mylittlestar · 14/05/2007 11:20

Totally agree with PregnantGrrrl's post.

The only thing I'd add is that I'm not sure I'll ever forgive. My hope is that I learn to deal with it and let 14+ years of a great relationship outweigh 6 months of him behaving like a complete sh** and completely out of character.

If he loved her, or had to think twice who to choose, then it would be over. I couldn't fight in that way.
I have to see it, and know it is seen by him, as one big fat mistake. If he looked back on it thinking of his love for her it would kill me. I couldn't cope.

It's so bloody complicated and difficult though. Especially if the partner had never put a foot wrong before and there are children involved.

Ask me again in another 6 months!

Jonut · 16/05/2007 13:23

I think that you never really forgive or forget, merely agree to put it to one side and try to get on with your life

Y0rkshirelass · 16/05/2007 13:25

I may be able to forgive DP if he had an affair, but I would never be able to stay with him afterwards.

GameGirly · 16/05/2007 13:26

Forgiving would be the easy bit (depeneding on circumstances, of course). Forgetting would be impossible, though, and I think that would blight my relationship and eventually make it impossible to go on. I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore.

Chandra · 16/05/2007 13:29

Well it all depends, if my marriage relationship was healthy and almost perfect but for a one night stand I suppose we would survive the affair through a lot of work and possible counselling to deal with the aftermath of it.

But, if the marriage has been a string of disapointments and this is just the straw, or better said, the tone that broke the camel's back... the answer is easy. No, that would be it.

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