If you work full time and no longer live with your dc Dad, how do you split school holidays?

[Thebluedog]

I was just wondering how everyone else did this?

I work full time and up until now I had a childminder/nanny (she only looked after our dc) who would cover after school and school holidays. My holidays would be spent with the dc either away or at home.

My childminder has handed In her notice and I’ve decided to cover the childcare between myself and my dh (children’s step dad). I’m lucky as my job can be flexible so using this and the occasional afteschoil club I’ll be able to cover term time. Holidays will be either myself using my holidays or my dh taking unpaid leave.

Up until now my exh has the dc eow and at a push a week during school holidays. This year he agreed to having them 2 weeks. But is it unreasonable to have a discussion around him using his holidays from work and having the children?

It's not unreasonable but he's under no legal obligation to have them more. I'd approach it gently and if he agrees to more then great but if not then just leave it. It won't be worth souring relations over something you can't force him to do anyway.

Could you not find another child minder? It might be the easiest solution rather than your DH taking unpaid leave.

One thing to keep in mind is that if he has them more nights it's possible it would lower your maintenance if he chose to go back to CMS.

Personally we have my stepkids EOW, two weeks in summer, one week at Easter, one week at Christmas and one half term. But that's only really possible because I'm not working.

Not unreasonable

Depends on an awful lot though.

What’s your maintenance arrangement?

He pays less than he should do around maintenance, but we have a reasonably good relationship so I tend not to rock the boat as he’s flexible. For instance we have a family wedding and would like the dc to come, and he’s happy to swap weekends.

We did think about another childminder but the youngest has some behavioural and attachment issues, and anything that changes causes her issues. So I’d rather we didn’t introduce another childcare provider into the mix and keep it with the people she’s already comfortable with.

I’d certainly be having that discussion.

Flexible or not (and I bet that works both ways), he’s already paying you less than he should for maintenance and then on top of that, your DH/your family miss out on every days wage that your DH takes off to look after this guy’s kids? How much is that going to cost over the years?

Maybe if won’t step up practically, it is time to make sure he does so financially, via CMS, to cover what your DH loses out on to provide the childcare.

During mediation it was pointed out to my Ex-H that holidays were 50/50. He either took time off work or paid for childcare for his 6 weeks.

I believe it should be 50/50. However, ex-H doesn’t seem arsed about that and I don’t want to make DDs feel unwanted by rocking the boat, so I work it out myself.

My exh doesn’t have them any more than usual during school holidays. I am a teacher so he thinks this means I automatically have nothing to do during these weeks which simply isn’t true, as any teacher will know. I work in a college so I can have up to 40 2000-2500 word essays to mark, admin to catch up on and also will go in for revision sessions. He doesn’t seem to grasp this so I have to find alternative childcare. He works full time in retail and this is his excuse for barely being able to see them...

Don’t forget there are about 13 weeks of holiday in the state school year - most of us couldn’t cover that even if each parent took their entire holidays separately and only during school holidays (which employers might not always be able to allow anyway)

I think you have a conversation with him about your dd’s needs, explain what your thinking is and ask him how he can contribute to covering the 13 weeks. I don’t see how paid childcare isn’t going to come into that somewhere but you may be more resourceful than I am (and/or have accommodating grandparents who are able to help?)

Is it unreasonable to expect him to take on 50% of the responsibility for working out a solution and contributing equally to the solution - no

Is it unreasonable to decide what’s going to happen and present it to him as a done deal - yes, I think it might be tbh

My ex doesn’t have them anymore than his usual one day a week/weekend during holidays, this is the reason I can not work full time. I find summer holidays hard, last year he had them for one extra day, they never stay with him over night. I can make him have them

rainboho that’s exactly how I’ve been for the past few years

naybotherpal you’re right, what we will save on childcare, but we end up having to put away that (and then some) to cover my dh wages

I’ve touched on the subject before, but all I got was ‘I need my holidays too’. He doesn’t seem to understand that if he does have the dc, we’ll be at work anyway so it’s not like we’ll be swanning off having a holiday in the Maldives.

I’m seeing his this week so will bring it up then. But unfortunately he’s the type that doesn’t, or can’t, see anything from anyone else’s point of view. It’s a bit like me asking him to buy our dc some shoes and him telling me he couldn’t afford it. Then Off he goes to his rented, 5 bedroom house, and I find out he’s doing his ‘very expensive’ hobby this weekend too. But if I call him on it he tells me to stay out of his financial business. I have a feeling talking about holidays will go some way similar

I work full time and am lucky if ex covers one week of the school holidays a year I cover it all by time off work or paying for childcare.

I work full time but get 6 weeks leave a year (lucky I know).
Exh only works part time now he is semi retired (2 days a week). So between us we juggle it.
It usually works out a week each at Xmas and Easter. Then I take 4 weeks off in the summer hols and he takes 2 weeks off.
So it's only really half terms that we have to juggle. I usually have a couple of days TOIL saved up which I use in Feb half term. We then look to cover his two days a week in the other half terms either by the Dc going to my sisters or into a holiday club (which I pay for).
Dc are old enough to be left by themselves now so it's not really an issue as much now.
It only worked for us as I have generous leave and he is semi retired. I have no idea how parents cope (married or divorced) when both parents work ft in demanding jobs.