Out of interest I am looking to see how people handle a certain type of conversation in a relationship that is met with a defensive response that I like to call the 'brick wall'
let me give you some examples of what I mean by brick all conversation:
Example 1
Person A says:
''I needed to get something off my chest as I feel it is affecting our relationship. I find that when ever I am speaking to you, you become quickly distracted and the conversation quickly becomes about what has distracted you, and once again you are talking and what I was saying takes a back seat.
Person B responds:
" you do that all the time"
example 2
in mid conversation, the other person cuts you off
you say
''I hadnt finished my sentence''
they say
''you always interrupt me''
example 3
you confide in a close friend someone (lets call him Bob) and ask them not to say anything to anyone about it as it was persona and verys sensitive regarding your health. Then weeks later, anther friend (linda) bumps into you at the supermarket says 'oh Bob said that you were having personal issues with ........''
So you say to Bob..
Linda said that you had told her about my personal issues, and I feel upset as I told you that in confidence
Bob replies:
well now you know how it feels.......then asks you if you remember back to a previous time in your friendship when bob asked you to do something you didn't, and although you apologised to him at the time and he said it was resovled...he brings it up now years later???
Does this ring any bells to anyone?
I have dealt with certain people like this in my life, where what you hope will be a conversation that can resolve a relationship issue ehich you can grow from, ends in a dead end relationship which can go no further.
My responses over the years to 'brick wall responses' have been:
'' may we first address my conversation before we start to talk about you again?''
''I can understand that this may make you feel defensive, and I am happy to resolve any issues you have, but I do not feel that you are taking my feelings into consideration here''
''why are you turning this round and back onto me again''
''please do not deflect''
''why have you not brought this up before?''
''I will let you have some time to think about what Ive said as I know I have sprung this on you''
Everyway I have tried so far in approaching sensitive subjects, ends in reactions being very over emotional/defensively, with no logic or thought put into them, typical fight or flight responses that are never addressed.
If you have ever been in this position, you will note that these issues they choose to raise in response to yours.
much like another ''brick wall conversation'' when someone deflects in conversation by going back to a previous conversation 10 years ago that has no relevance???
In my eyes, and from years of therapy, the only way to deal with this is logically and respectfully, thinking of the other person, how and they they may feel, and why they respond this way. I have tip toed around them, been assertive but it is all so much work on my part, and so much energy put onto them yet again. The only thing to do is learn from it, and not let it suck you in but it is so tough not to find it emotionally draining.
The fact is, we all have the ability to be bad communicators, and not listen at times, or interrupt, or hurt another unintentionally.
But with self reflections and compassion, and taking responsibility for our actions, we can achieve a better outcome. It is not about 'winning' a conversation, it is about listening, and showing respect to others and understanding.
We cant promise never to hurt someone again, but we can always promise to stop and think....and there are some people in life we cannot seem to accomplish this with.
It reminds me of the Labyrinth, everytime a new brickwall and another path blocked.
So what do we do then?
That is the question?
With freindships, they can be broken and drift and there is no need to think on it again......
in my case with a family member, I have had to distance myself, and on the yearly get togethers, all conversations to me feel very false like there is an elephant in the room.. They talk and talk as usual, and say i should visit them, and be in touch more (like nothing has ever happened) and I know I cant get anywhere with honest answers, so I smile and nod alot.
If this resonates with anyone, I dont know???
Just wondered
thanks for listening