Really, really stuck. I need wise words.

[Tothetwigletzone]

NC here, been around a while. Here’s the back story. My DH and I have been together for most of our lives, we are now mid fifties with grown up DC. He has worked so hard for all of us, and we’ve had great fun together. He was able to stop work a few years ago, so life was set fair.

Three years ago, he beacame unwell. Nothing specific, general malaise, achy joints, tiredness. It gradually got worse, and every symptom he read about he now finds he has. He’s seen so many doctors, had blood tests galore, nothing found except low testosterone. He is also clearly dealing with depression of some kind. He has good and bad days, and sometimes it’s like the old DH is back, but it doesn’t last long.

For better for worse, and everything, and I’ve been coping OK with trying to help him along. He is very, very private and doesn’t want anybody else to know how he is feeling, so I am his only outlet. Which is sometimes really hard. He is in a bubble of sadness and a fair bit of anger and self pity as well. He won’t take any medication, except for vitamin supplements. We have had sex maybe six times in three years, and nothing for the last six months. We get along well, despite everything, and life isn’t terrible compared to many.

So this is where it gets weird. I have a hobby that gets me outside and is a massive stress buster. It’s been the only time I get away from the situation at home. I’ve met some really good people through it, and loved being able to stay fit. We had a weekend away recently, and there was a pub session in the evening. And I maybe had taken drink but it all came out to one of the men I’ve got to know. God knows why, but I told him all the gory details, poor man. First time I’ve told anybody. And when I had finished telling him, and crying, he gave me a huge hug and kissed the top of my head. That was it, I reeled sadly off to bed afterwards. Breakfast was a bit awkward, but he was so nice about it.

That one episode has brought out a whole bunch of feelings and emotions that were stuffed away in a dark corner. What if this is my life now? What if I never have sex again? I miss it so much, and having somebody actually touch me has left me reeling a bit. My poor DH recoils when I get near, and I’d got used to it until now.

Somebody please give me a virtual slap, or tell me how to get over myself. At the moment, all I want to do is find somebody who will make me feel not dead from the neck down and lock myself in a darkened room with them. It’s also left me resenting DH which I really don’t want to. This must happen to loads of people, how do you work through it?
Sorry this is so long, hope some of you have got to the end.

You sound lonely and in need of a confidant and affection. No slap from me either. Take some time to think about what's important to you. You deserve to be loved and to be happy.

I feel like you should prioritise you right now. If he wont help himself why sit and drown with him? I know you have been together for a long time, but he needs to see that his behaviour is selfish and putting what you have at risk. You can only bend so far before you break and it sounds like that time is near. Please have a frank discussion with him and let him know, if he wont seek help then you will be looking for support elsewhere, wherever that may lead.

It isn’t fair to give him any sort of ultimatum, he’d fall apart

No, he really wouldn't. It might be just the kick up the arse, that he so desperately needs.

You can of course be a martyr and sacrifice the rest of your life, to this man, if that's what you really want, but it's going to be a shitty next 30 years or so.

You've had sex twice a year now, for THREE years. Can't you see how crazy that is? Your DH is really just a housemate to you, and a miserable one at that.

Why is it that you think you don't deserve a better life than this?

I think you are afraid to leave him, because he's the only man you've been with.

I know someone who was unhappy in her marriage, at around your age. Like you, she stayed regardless. She is now mid 70's and totally depressed. If only she had left 20 years ago she could have created a new life out for herself by now. But of course now she says it's all too late for her.

You are not tied to your DH. Well, only by a piece of paper. Life should (and could) be so much better for you, if only you could break away.

If you can afford it, I'd be tempted to take 2 weeks away from him

• a holiday abroad with your DD or a mate, and really try to view this situation from afar.

And btw, why is he so angry and miserable? He retired in his early 50's. That's so jammy. You should be travelling the world, seeing and doing things that you couldn't when you were working etc.

"The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for"

I read this and an unexpected lump formed in my throat.
I'm in an incredibly similar position to you, OP. And I just don't know what to do about it. The idea that at 46, I will never have sex again, is sending me into a place of suicidal thinking. The sex goes out the window... and everything else with it. It's such a huge deal when it dies in a marriage. I haven't been kissed on the lips or anywhere, not even on the forehead for I don't know how long. I long for a touch. I feel so rejected.
Hand holding. I have Lupus by the way. I am wondering if your DH been tested for this. His symptoms sound similar to mine. He sounds a bit 'auto-immunish' to me. Why he wants to live life out in misery beats me!

I dont have much to add...except that low testosterone is linked to low bone density. So if he is worried about his bones, he isnt helping himself.

Thank you so much. That’s made me tear up!

You've been together for 40 years. You could be together for another 40 yet. Is this how you (or he) want it to be?

Here's a virtual slap - for your husband. Here's some for you.
For better it worse is all well and good but your husband is doing nothing to help himself and that's not on. You need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel and insist he gets help for his depression. If he continues to refuse to help himself then you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life in a miserable marriage. I know I wouldn't.

I could be your husband.

I'm about ten years younger than you and about 4 years ago my life came crashing down as I fell seriously ill. My wife, bless her, was superb, however she suddenly changed from being my wife to my carer. I changed from being a chap who went out to work everyday in a very physical job to someone who couldn't get out of bed at times. I didn't want the world to see that though so although everyone knew I was ill I hid an awful lot from her and the wider world.

I retired from work and for the first few months it was just taken up with the medical side of things but after a while that reduced and I was just a washed up bloke, who had nothing to look forward to other than days and days of nothing until I snuffed it. I became very, very down. All the doctors would suggest was pills. Like your husband, I hated the idea of taking that crap - even though I know I will be on other medication for the rest of my days.

When someone has gone from wife to carer, your relationship with them changes. If she has wiped your bum or dressed your sores, you tend to not see her in the same way. Being intimate is difficult. I wouldn't of blamed her if she had left me or had a fling with the window cleaner or whatever.

As men we are conditioned to be the breadwinner, head of the household and all that sort of stuff. When you're not your self esteem dives and all you can see stretching ahead is being pointless and having no worth.

My wife worked from home at this point and we decided she would return to working from the office. Not being around each other made me cope with my illness on my own and started to make me self reliant again. I also knew that I had to become good at something again so I taught myself to cook, bake and do all the household stuff. I can now do a mean Victoria Sponge and get whites whiter!

My wife is no longer my carer. I still have a place in the house and gradually the old me is coming back. Its been hard but we are getting there. I've just gone back to work self-employed (working from home).

Our sex life has returned and we are very much back to being a married couple rather than patient/carer. However, whilst my wife cared for me the only person that turned it round was me. I had to push myself to get back on my feet. You can guide him, but he has to do it. If he doesn't then, you've tried and you need to think if you want to stay with him.

The only difference in our relationship is after a passionate night now, its me that rolls over and thinks "I'll have to wash the sheets in the morning"!

ps sorry for the long post!

The thing is, I’m not really miserable. As a previous poster has pointed out, we are really fortunate to be in the position we are in. No money worries, good friends, DC doing well. And DH and I are good friends too, we don’t fight and he is always supportive of what I do. I really want to help him get out of this, he’s pulled me through some difficult times too.
It’s just that a big chunk of what we had has been broken away, and I hadn't realised until now how much it mattered. I really appreciate all the wise words, and it’s helping so much to read that I’m not alone here.

All those symptoms are connected to low testosterone! My partner was the same but he now has testosterone injections every 3 months. He's a changed man.

You can't make him behave differently but you can unilaterally decide to do some things differently yourself. You can tell him it is making you ill to not have any support so you are going to start talking to the children and your friends about what is going on, and in fact you have already started because you had a mini breakdown.

When it is out in the open things might get a lot better. He might feel he has to get therapy or take medication or he will look bad.

At the crux of all of this is that he doesn't seem to want to help himself / get better / improve things for you. That's the frustration

Oldandwashedup that’s brilliant. Thank you for your honesty. And I love the bit about the sheets!

Oldandwashedup, what a wonderful and inspiring post! And what a gentleman you sound!

OP, I think the problem I have noticed is that you refer to your husband and yourself as 'good friends'. Do you feel like that's all you are? You've been together for an awfully long time so no matter what happens, he will always mean a great deal to you and vice versa. It's great that he's pulled you through some difficult times and it's inspirational that you want to do the same for him, but that will only happen if he is willing to help himself. If he won't bother doing it for himself then there is only so much you can do before it becomes a chore rather than a marriage. You really need to talk to him, not lay out an ultimatum but explain that for things to continue working in the marriage, some changes have to be made. He can't expect you to keep living like this and if he loves you, he'll change.

Oh bless you...I feel like I’ve seen this from both sides (albeit over shorter time periods). DH had similar symptoms, was told he was depressed. It was only when we were struggling with TTC that they found low testoterone - caused by a tumour on his pituitary gland. Has your DH had his prolactin levels tested? Either way, he would benefit from some talking therapy. DH is a lot better since he started on medication.

More recently, I was ill with undiagnosed pain. It was 6 months before I got a diagnosis. I know it was hard for DH. I didn’t want to have sex (it was painful), I was very down and we had no idea if I’d ever get better.

I get how hard it can be. I also get how you don’t want to walk away when he’s so down. But he also needs to talk some responsibility and try to improve his situation if he wants to help himself and you.

I’ve thought about this all a little more, so apologies for coming back.

For me the turning point was a Kenwood Chef. I’d always cooked ok, but never particularly well. For some reason I bought a 30 year old Kenwood Chef. It didn’t work very well and I didn’t want to admit that I’d bought something duff. I ended up pulling it apart (I’ve never been very practical!) and rebuilding it. I even had the thing resprayed! The pride I felt in actually doing something just set me up and running again.

I know it sounds pathetic, but it just gave me that push to keep doing things. Maybe your husband needs that one tipping point. A classic car, evening classes or even a Kenwood Chef! Just something to give him a little pride and means that his illness isn’t the only thing in his life. I found when I was down that the illness was defining me and shaping me.

Please don’t stop going out and doing your hobby. You need that time away and it also helps to bring new conversation into the house.

Again, apologies for butting in. I’ll now go back to what I normally do on MN......browse cooking and recipes!

Oldandwashedup you are a beacon of light in my current rather gloomy world! It’s funny, he does have a classic car, and it is sitting unloved in the garage because he finds it too overwhelming to get it out. And that sounds like a metaphor for me as well...
He tries to do stuff, but it all becomes too much like a job of work, and so he gives up.

And in other news, I’ve had a nice WhatsApp message from the man I wept all over, asking if all was OK. I sent a very British stuff upper lip reply, all fine now, sorry to have made you soggy. Better that than “ta very much for releasing my long dormant sexual urges” I suppose.

Aw OP i feel for you, honestly.

I'd not want to stay in a sexless marriage, you are effectively just friends, not lovers, fine if you both want just that, you clearly don't and nothing wrong with that.

I feel maybe you are making yourself invaluable to him, it's time now for you to get out and about, let him stew, it does sound like he wallows in it all; he can't expect you to just be a robot and there for his needs, you matter as well OP!

Perhaps if the car is sitting unloved Twiglet then how about you taking it out for a spin? Seems a shame to have a classic car that's not being used, and lets be honest, if its a nice car you'll get a buzz out of it and more than one or two admiring glances.

That will make you feel better, but nothing makes a chap sit up more than realising that others see his wife in ways that he maybe has forgotten about.

I remember clearly the day my wife returned to the office. Watching her get ready, it was like the first time I had seen her properly since the illness. Nice clothes, shoes and looking really nice. I was absolutely petrified at being on my own, but it dawned on me that she might be admired by others and all she had to look forward to was this physical wreck at home. No way was I losing her because I couldn't get myself together.

Only he can shake himself out of this, but it might not hurt to give him a nudge!

You both need outside support there are support groups for this . Low male testosterone is prob making him feel like hes not a man and for men thats a terrible existence. My mum has fibromyalgia and is constantly told its all in her head by other people but luckily her gp is a great help. Anti depressants dont work talking therapy does. He needs counselling and you could in addition have some relationship counselling. Sit with him and explain how this is making you feel . He isn't absolved from making changes . He is recoiling from you because he is embarassed of himself and doesnt feel like a man not because you are awful

Op it sounds like your Dh has retired too soon, when someone who has previously worked so had and who's life has revolved around work often to the exclusion of hobbies etc, stops, it often causes depression, and a plummet in confidence and self esteem.
Although life without work is initially easier, lack of motivation often takes over and you can start to think too much about old age and possible health concerns.
Does he recognise that he has depression?

HazelBite has a very valid point. My dad recently retired (he's 62) due to illness, he suffers very badly with Ménière's Disease and had been off from work for around 5 years on long term disability. He's said himself that he has very little motivation to do things these days and even if the disease improved, he wouldn't be able to get back into work again now. He isn't as bad as your husband as he still goes out and has hobbies, but he's become much more stressed with things which is only making his illness worse and sometimes, he does sound like he's depressed. And as HazelBite said, you do start worrying about age and health concerns which then impacts on your confidence and self-esteem, which can then lead to health problems and then you start worrying about those health problems again and it's a never-ending cycle. Perhaps your husband has dug himself into that cycle and doesn't know how to break out of it. A lack of interest in things and a low sex drive does sound a bit like depression to me.