Same s##t different day

[Sometimeitrains]

I read recently that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

That is how I feel about my relationship right now. Dh often puts others including virtual strangers before our immediate family to the point where it effects us negetively. E.g giving money to a distant relative who does need help but leaving us as having to go without as a result. This isnt just about money but thats an example. Could be something as simple as going the shop for milk because we ran out but not doing it because a friend couldnt get to the post office so he went there instead for them and now there is no breakfast because I didnt find out untill now.

we ve discussed it at length ( the overall issue not the lack of milk) he gets angry blames me for everything under the sun dating back years. Calms down agrees that his actions and behaviour were not considerate and then goes and does it again and the cycle repeats.

I do love him but feel like at least when we where seperated ( we broke up for a while) I was less stressed as I didnt have to deal with this and more content as I put mine and ds happiness first although I did miss him. But this one thing grates on my nerves.

In sitations like these what do people do. Do they just stop expecting change and keep quite or do they give up on an otherwise decent relationship...

There seems to be a lack of communication from him.
Decisions like lending money to distant relatives is something that he needs to discuss with you first. He is treating you with massive disrespect by giving this money, without your agreement and leaving you and ds to go without.
The milk v post office, sounds weird to me. Why couldn't be have done both.
I'm fact, something isn't ringing true here!
Do you know this distant relative for whom you were left without?
And who is the person that couldn't get to the Post Office?
Do you think that he is telling the truth about these random acts of kindness for other people or is he lying and using it as a cover for something else?
What do you think he could be hiding? Gambling? Another woman?

Yes this is slightly concerning. Have you spoken about these issues to him? With regards to the milk he should have told you about it when he did it and yes there needs to be core communication. I hope he isn't doing anything behind your back..

Sadly it would probably be easier to explain if there was something more going on but nope there isnt. I know the relative and the post office issue was his work mate who im now waiting on to come and get his flippin parcel that was collected.

He wants other people to think well of him, to be impressed by his ability/willingness to help and he hasn't worked out yet that it matters more that he looks after you and DC. So it's about whether he comes to his senses and gets his priorities straight in time, before you've had enough of being second best.

I wonder what would happen if you made sure everyone (preferably including the latest recipient of his generosity) knew that his DW and DC were going without as a result of his need for an ego boost? Might seem extreme to 'shame' him like that but it might make him wake up, I doubt many people would think highly of him if they knew the truth.

Swallowfalls i think youve hit the nail on the head.
Unfortunatly I think I would just come across as selfish if I did that. Often I feel that people are taking advantage as I dont see favours being returned but his come back when i say this is you shouldnt give to recieve etc.
So yes a bit stumped re getting him to see us as a priority.

Would he agree to counselling? I'd make it a condition of continuing the relationship. You should be able to depend on your DH to prioritise you and your DC.