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Original poster

Is feeling special on your birthday too much to ask?

51 replies

peanutbutterbanana1 · 23/04/2018 23:09

Hi,
First post on here....
Feeling pretty down, got cards from DH, and DC’s but they didn’t have time to get me anything....which I don’t really mind so much but a bit of effort wouldn’t go a miss. Trying to make me feel like today is different from another day. Like spending time together?? Or are Birthdays just for kids and I need to let it go?
Thanks

OP posts:
Awoof · 24/04/2018 00:05

Happy birthday Wine

Thisimmortalcurl · 24/04/2018 00:16

Peanut , not selfish at all. Please make tomorrow all about you.
As I said I totally made my birthday last two weeks with different things this year but the best night was actually an Indian takeaway, a bottle of wine and watching Gardens of the Galaxy 2. It’s really important to feel valued and special even if you have to vocalise exactly what you would like.

Sally2791 · 24/04/2018 05:35

Belated happy birthday. Celebrating and feeling special are important to me as well. I'm guessing it's because it doesn't matter to him that h thinks you shouldn't be bothered, but hold onto your feelings. Depending on ages of DCs they should be doing something nice for you or he should be helping them to. Better luck next year!

redexpat · 24/04/2018 05:46

I think you and he both need to read the 5 love languages. We tend to show love in the same way we want to receive it. But the other person doesnt necessarily speak the same language. There are 5 - physical, time, acts of service, words of affirmation and presents. He has told you that birthdays arent a big deal to him. So he doesnt feel hurt like you do if nothing happens. He doesnt feel loved when you make a fuss. Acts of service is your love language not his.

MrsDilber · 24/04/2018 05:53

My one DS is 21 now and, as a little boy, I would give him money each year and take him into a shop to pick out a small present for his nans at Christmas, to teach him to be thoughtful about those we love.

As an adult, me getting a snickers bar cellotaped to a card, is a win. He doesn't put thought into his girlfriend's present and I've bailed him out on this a few times (for her sake and feelings, not his) but no more.

DH is very thoughtful with his gifts and yanbu to deserve to be appreciated, it's not the money it's the thought and time.

Shoxfordian · 24/04/2018 06:02

Morning
Happy belated birthday!
I agree with the others that you need to have a chat with your dh about it and how upset you are. Also maybe consider letting him sort out cards for his family in future.

The love languages point is probably true but just because he doesn't care about birthdays, it doesn't mean he shouldn't make an effort for you when it clearly matters to you

MakeTheManSomeFuckingEggs · 24/04/2018 06:12

Happy belated birthaday Cake

I was my birthday yesterday and I came home from a very long night shift to just two hastily written cards. I just went upstairs and had a little cry and went to bed. I always make a huge effort for everyone and have even taken on a second job so we can have a once in a lifetime holiday to Disneyland later this year. I am not going to bother fussing over them from now on.

Hope you had a good day despite it all Wine

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 24/04/2018 06:51

Happy birthday 🍰

That is complete shit and I'd be very upset. How old are dc?

Ryder63 · 24/04/2018 07:02

Even DH ‘s family, I’m the one who makes sure they have cards etc

And there you have it. You do your DH's family admin too, so he's got used to thinking of you as staff, maybe? Quite common, when DH/partner becomes used to not having to think about others celebrations, because it's all done for him.

ChickenMom · 24/04/2018 07:18

Your DH is an arse. He could have at least ordered you a take away. Going off to bed on your birthday is not on :( I’d be upset too. Some sort of effort should have been made. He said “we tried” but they didn’t did they. If you really want things to be different you should play hardball and put zero effort into their birthdays. For your DH, just a card and no more effort than that. Plus go to bed early and leave him alone. Cold hard shock is needed all round!

SoapOnARoap · 24/04/2018 07:21

I totally agree with redex

Do you both the world of good to read it

Original poster
peanutbutterbanana1 · 24/04/2018 07:59

Happy birthday for yesterday maketheman...sorry it was rubbish too.

I woke up this morning told my husband just to let him know my birthday has been extended, he said ok and turned back over. Told oldest DC -13 that it’s nice to feel appreciated and the one thing I asked of him he didn’t do hurt...he told me he didn’t get me a present because it would have been the same type as last year and that’s boring. 🙄 I told him even if he didn’t get me a present it’s about offering to spend time but no one was willing to do that, apart from youngest who doesn’t leave my side 🤣 it’s seems telling him
His has upset him and he has walked off.
Other DC’s are 10 and 3.
Oh well...let’s see what today brings.

OP posts:
Original poster
peanutbutterbanana1 · 24/04/2018 08:00

That’s for the advice on reading the 5 love languages book, I will look into it but doubt I will get DH to read it....I can try might help :)

OP posts:
RainyApril · 24/04/2018 08:07

I think I would tell them all together that I was very disappointed with their lack of thought, and ask older dc to reflect back on what made their birthdays special. Tell them it's not about money, but time, and feeling special and loved. I'd give up on this year, anything will feel forced and artificial now, but they might do better next year. Then I would bugger of somewhere lovely by myself on the weekend.

Turkkadin · 24/04/2018 08:53

I completely agree about it all being rather pointless if you have to arrange something nice for yourself. I'd rather go without. If I'm arranging and buying it for myself, I could do that any day of the year.
I've learnt not to bother anymore. I can't bring myself to not get my kids anything but my husband got nothing last birthday from me or the kids.if I don't think of buying something my kids certainly wouldnt even though they are teenagers and more than old enough to care.
I'm not bothering to buy nice birthday gifts for him anymore because it doesn't seem to mean anything to him even though he knows it means a lot to me.

BuffyTheMLMHunter · 24/04/2018 09:06

Happy belated birthday!

My DH and his family aren't fussed by birthdays, whereas it's a big deal for me. I always make sure we meet for birthday dinners, arrange cakes etc - it has never been reciprocated. Instead, I make birthday plans with my friends and always have a great time! Maybe moving forward you should plan something nice for yourself the way you do for everyone else?

Onemansoapopera · 24/04/2018 11:47

Stop buying your husband and kids birthday presents for the next year. Save the money you would have spent. Go on a spa day. Wish them happy birthday and give them a card though, because apparently, that's enough.

fantasmasgoria1 · 24/04/2018 11:54

People will say I’m being silly but when it’s your dh birthday don’t get him anything! I certainly would not!

TuTru · 24/04/2018 11:58

I gave up birthdays in 2016, made it a children only rule.
Under 18s get presents over 18s can get over it.
I don’t celebrate my own either, so in my eyes it’s fair.
Saves a lot of hassle, money and disappointment.

TuTru · 24/04/2018 11:59

I meant to say though, do the same for their birthdays. Whatever they did or didn’t for you, return the favour
Xx

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 24/04/2018 14:44

What's your dh usually like? He seems very cold? I can't understand his general indifference toward you?

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 24/04/2018 14:46

Also, I know people often suggest the love languages stuff. But i just feel like, even if giving presents etc isn't your love language - a birthday isn't a surprise. They happen every year. It's not a shock that someone might be expecting a present or a dinner out. It's just being a nice partner. My dh doesn't like getting presents but he knows I do. So he always gets me something.

Original poster
peanutbutterbanana1 · 24/04/2018 17:30

Just to give you an update... I laid it all out there this morning DD apologised and DS has brought me home chocs with an apology on his way home from school. DH has apologised and said he didn’t realise how upset I was and offered wine and movie night tonight. Think I’ll be reminding them next year (although hopefully I shouldn’t have to). Just to spend some time is nice, so I’m happy. Next year I will make sure I plan something that makes me feel good too, just incase.
Thanks for all your replies everyone

OP posts:
Thisimmortalcurl · 24/04/2018 20:48

Good, really glad they listened and hope you have a great night tonight.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/04/2018 07:12

Good they have come through. Think they saying they didn't have time is rubbish. My dhs family didn't celebrate birthdays much so he became like this after a few years. I totally let rip especially him not making sure the dcs had presents and some fuss was made. Now he is the opposite. Completely fussing over my birthday and the grown up dc fussing too. Not standing for it is the way to go even if it seems fake at first. Evrryone deserves to be made special for one day.