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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m not having an affair.

30 replies

Expectingaflamimg · 23/04/2018 21:42

I’m married with DC, he’s not.

I’ve fallen for someone, we’ve discovered that he feels the same after a work night out, but I’ve firmly refused to take it forward, even though I desperately desperately want to.

I am making the right choice morally, the right choice for my DC. It has made me realise that I need to end my marriage, I will work towards that I’m a planned and honest way. This is the right and decent thing to do.

So why do I feel devastated?

OP posts:
QuentinSummers · 23/04/2018 22:25

Why do you think you need to end your marriage? Is other stuff wrong or just this?

Original poster
Expectingaflamimg · 23/04/2018 22:48

It has made me realise I’m not happy, sadly.

OP posts:
SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 23/04/2018 22:53

How about exploring marriage counselling, or why you're unhappy before making any big decisions

MaisyPops · 23/04/2018 23:07

You'll probably be devestated because prior to this you were muddling through and things may have been ok but not great.
This has shaken you and highlighted issues in your marriage. Feeling emotional would be normal.

Whilst you aren't having an affair, there is every chance that having your head turned has given you a bit of 'grass is greener' syndrome.

Your best bet (unless there's lpts more to this) would be counselling alone and then marriage counselling.

I wouldn't throw your marriage away because you fancied someone.

PoorYorick · 23/04/2018 23:08

What does this person make you feel that you cannot feel elsewhere?

I'm not saying anything about your marriage, but I think that's always a useful question in a situation like this.

Bosabosa · 23/04/2018 23:10

Make sure you imagine life without the man you have fallen for. If he wasn’t a possibility, would you still be keen to end your marriage?
If so, then is probably the right decision.
If not, work at your marriage .
Good luck OP

Mousefunky · 23/04/2018 23:14

Trust me, the grass ain’t always greener...

You didn’t realise you were unhappy at all until this man came along. It sounds to me as though you are willing to end your marriage and break apart your family for the sake of what could easily be a throwaway fling. I suggest marriage counselling before you make any rash decisions you may live to regret.

Myheartbelongsto · 24/04/2018 00:13

Could you imagine the replies if a man wrote this.....

AtomHeart · 24/04/2018 01:47

If you have fallen for someone else then all cannot be right in your marriage. These things happen. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It is a tortuous situation and I wish you the best.

adayatthebeach · 24/04/2018 02:31

PoorYorick don’t you think it’s chemistry she’s feeling? Is that it OP? If so I’m sorry your going through this.

PoorYorick · 24/04/2018 09:20

I don't know, that's why I'm asking. I'm not saying what I think she should do. I just think that that's a useful question to ask yourself in a situation like this so you can work out where to go from here.

Huntinginthedark · 24/04/2018 09:43

sometimes when our heads are turned it does highlight the unhappiness we have in our lives.
I think you need to explore that with counselling on your own, and work out what you really want in life.

Angrybird123 · 24/04/2018 11:24

I don't think it's true that being attracted to someone else means there is something fatally wrong with your marriage at all. You need to look at the two things in isolation. Forget the OM and think about what exactly are the good / bad things in the marriage. It is a big fucking deal to throw it away and put your dcs into that world of shared care / eow / split Christmas' etc so think v v hard..here if it helps.

Adora10 · 24/04/2018 15:06

Could you imagine the replies if a man wrote this.....

Yes, really pisses me off how when women come on talking of their affairs, it's all there, there, you had good reason but, if it's a man, he's slated; same applies to both sexes in my book.

QuentinSummers · 24/04/2018 15:11

What are you talking about? OP isn't having an affair. I think a man would get the same responses.

QuentinSummers · 24/04/2018 15:14

op I am in a similar situation and it is like hell at the moment. Am about to start individual counselling and am trying to hold off making any big decisions until that is done.

whatshappening1 · 24/04/2018 15:23

You have done the right thing by not having an affair, if you aren't happy about it you need to tell your husband and start the divorce proceedings as they take a while. You are going to feel devastated as it's the end of the marriage it's only natural but you can get through this

nevermind89 · 24/04/2018 18:41

@Adora10 she isn't having an affair!! Anyone can fall for someone - it's what you do (or don't do) about it that counts.

Give her a break - she's done nothing wrong!

OP - as someone else has said, think very carefully and try to isolate the 2 issues - your husband and this man. Shared childcare, acrimonious divorces and legal action are no fun at all! Not for anyone. And certainly doesn't help a new relationship.

On the other hand, if you see no future in your marriage, then it's equally damaging to stay.

Take care Thanks

MaisyPops · 24/04/2018 18:47

really pisses me off how when women come on talking of their affairs, it's all there, there, you had good reason but, if it's a man, he's slated
If she WAS having an affair she would be slated... but she isn't.
Her head has been turned and it's highlighted some issues that she is struggling with.

OP has a choice, to work on herself and her marriage or realise that the marriage is over and leave.

Obviously a kicking off the internet about an affair that doesn't exist is what's really going to help right now. Hmm

PoorYorick · 24/04/2018 19:48

Could you imagine the replies if a man wrote this.....

What, that he wasn't having an affair and would end his marriage before he started a new relationship? I think they'd be much the same.

Original poster
Expectingaflamimg · 24/04/2018 20:31

The people that are cross with me, I know that having an affair would be completely wrong which is why I haven’t proceeded with it.

To those being supportive. I feel devastated about the entire situation. I like him so much but I know that my decision not to have an affair will mean that I’ve missed the boat with him. It could be years until I’m ready to date - I can’t expect him to wait.

So that’s it really, I found him and lost him!

OP posts:
QuentinSummers · 24/04/2018 21:43

Are you sure you aren't happy in your marriage? Or is this your brain trying to make sense of how come you are attracted to someone else?

Adversecamber22 · 24/04/2018 22:13

What are you unhappy in your marriage? Be totally honest or is it just that old chestnut of same old face on the pillow next to you day in and day out? What is your personality type?

My Mother always got bored of men, she got through four husbands, she craved constant excitement. She got engaged for a fifth time but he died.

What is it about this OM that is so wonderful? This prince among men that is prepared to chase after a married woman.

If your DH isn't awful then try to sort out the situation by talking to him or yes split up if you have tried.

Scott72 · 24/04/2018 22:48

Has anyone read Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley? She found similar patterns to yours in many women's marriages. It almost seems like a quirk of biology. The same thing can happen to men of course, but with women it seems far more common. Attraction to her husband inevitably runs low, even when the husband has done nothing particularly wrong, until an attraction to a new man makes her feel alive again.

Expectingaflamin I'm not sure what you can do. Don't blame yourself or your husband. Unfortunately leaving your husband may be for the best. But be cautious if you do form a new relationships as the same patterns often replay themselves.

AtomHeart · 25/04/2018 05:47

People see these things in very black and white terms. It’s something that is impossible to understand unless one has been in a similar situation. Ask yourself how you would feel in 5 years time if you ignore him and stay in your marriage. Do you think you will ever be happy again if you stay with your husband? I don’t know your situation but if your heart is not with your husband that is not fair on him either. It’s an extremely difficult situation you find yourself in and there is no ideal outcome where everyone can stay happy.

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