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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Divorce- Expectations?

5 replies

Otterspotter · 23/04/2018 20:32

DH and I are going to be separating. He has been horrible, domineering, possibly even emotionally abusive to me for years now (though I am only just fully realising it now)

We have been married for about 5 & a half years though have been together since school age (15 years). We have two children, one primary age and one pre school age.

He had an affair last year, said he wanted to try to see if we could work it out (though was never actually that apologetic about the whole thing), we went to Relate, I thought things were getting better and then I found out he has been on dating sites and was taking someone out whilst I was away with the children. He’s pretty much followed the exact trajectory of arsehole narcissistic bastard. I am a ‘try-to-keep-the-peace-er’ and he has completely taken advantage of me.

We jointly own the home, we have no savings, he is a very good earner (though likes to really splash the cash so we actually have a small amount of debt) but I took redundancy when expecting number 2 and have been a sahm since.

Could anyone share any advice about what to expect (both emotionally as well as actual eg financial expectations). I feel like i’m about to step into a world that o know absolutely nothing about and that feels dangerous.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 23/04/2018 20:41

Well if it's not his choice and he's not in charge expect shit to hit the fan. I would advise getting good quality legal advice and emotional support in place before you tell him. Run his MO by women's aid or others on here to see if he's likely to turn physically nasty. Some don't like the pride being dented when you choose to leave.

Otterspotter · 23/04/2018 20:47

Oh no he’s agreed to separate, he wants to mediation as a first step

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 23/04/2018 22:15

If he is abusive, mediation is not likely to work. Sadly emotional abuse is often not understood by mediators (or they disregard it in favour of getting their fee).

Recent changes mean that spousal maintenance is limited and you will be expected to get back to work within 2-3 years.

What is the housing situation? Pensions?

Get all the financial info gathered and start to prepare a budget to go forward.
Work out CMS via calculator.
Look up tax credits and other benefits.
Make sure you are claiming child benefit.

Emotionally accept it will be a roller coaster.
You may cry when you don't expect it.You may have days when just getting the dc out to school is a struggle..but conversely you will be free to be yourself and over time you will have more good days than bad.
18months for me and I am happy and only, stressed when ex decides to cause upset but his hold on me is reducing.I am less triggered than a year ago and in a year I will be fine.

Lean on those who love you.Good Luck

whatshappening1 · 23/04/2018 22:38

It's going to be an awful experience. Find a few people to keep you going cause it's a long and difficult process. Try and get as much proof of the emotional abuse as possible and hopefully the courts will see that and go in your favour. I wish you all the best but it's going to be difficult. You can get through this and you can move on with your life and meet someone you deserve!

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 24/04/2018 09:48

The practical stuff and sorting that out can sometimes be the thing that keeps you focused. You get so involved in that, the emotional fall out can be pushed to one side and then, in a quiet moment, it can hit you like a ton of bricks.

You will also find strength you never knew you had.

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