Feel sick when I'm with him

[Miserableinmarriage]

Every day I too and fro over my decision to separate with my husband. The thought of destroying my family breaks my heart and I talk myself out of it yet when we actually have to spend time together I feel sick, like I would rather be anywhere in the world than there 😞. We constantly bicker, rarely agree on anything and the whole time we are together I end up being a complete grumpy cow despite telling myself before hand to at least make an effort so DD doesn't notice. Then we will snap at each other and I just can't lift my mood again until I'm not with him.

Why can't I just find the courage to say what needs to be said instead of feeling this way every single day!!

Has anyone else gone through this before finally making a decision about their marriage? I am absolutely drained from fighting with myself day and daily...and him for that matter. I know as soon as I say anything then that will be it so I have to be 100% sure of my decision. I just can't seem to get the courage.

Exhausted.

@Miserableinmarriage I'm in exactly the same boat, so I can offer support but no solutions I'm afraid.

We start our Relate sessions this week and I feel utterly utterly sick. I've been going along with his "everything's fine" approach - just for a quiet life. And putting off saying anything until there's someone there to referee. But it's not all fine and the time has come for me to say it.

Good luck OP. This is a long old journey

This is also me. We almost split up on our anniversary at the end of December. He admitted he wasn't going to change so I basically had to put up with it or we split. He had it all worked out even down to him having spoken to his boss re amending his hours for when he has our dd every other week. I was shocked and he commented that I didn't think I was the only one who was unhappy did I? I panicked at the reality of the situation and said that I didn't want to split up. My dd is 6 and she would be devastated. Rather selfishly, I also know that financially I will struggle. We will need to move and I will struggle to afford anything in this area (but could just about buy something grotty). My dd has already said he doesn't want to move dd's school.

We have just accepted an offer on our house so now is the ideal time to split but I can't bring myself to do it. I also know that after the initial excitement of moving (we have yet to have an offer accepted) everything will be the same again. Amy advice?

If you are that unhappy then end it . you are only on this planet once so enjoy it , my ex wife ended our marriage 15 years ago and at the time I was devastated but now I can see it was the best thing for everyone , I am now re married to a fantastic woman and I get on with my ex really well which has been great for our kids !!!!

It’s not necessarily “destroying a family” to end the relationship - it’s conflict that’s harmful.

Many relate counsellors are not bacp qualified.

This is me too. Neither of us are brave enough to confront the awful situation that’s been going on for years. We don’t talk, touch or share anything and I want to walk away. But the fallout, the kids.....I can’t do it.

With that mindset then you probably won't do it; you are not going to destroy the family, your children can still be very much involved with their father, if they both want to.

Honestly, nowadays, staying because you made your bed just does not need to be endured anymore.

I'd rather my children didn't live in a hostile environment tbh.

There is fallout from DC witnessing problematic relationships.

Thank you for the replies. It's our eight year wedding anniversary tomorrow and I can't even bring myself to buy a card because I feel like that much of a fraud celebrating something that is making me so sad.

@Jennco76 I don't really have any advice I'm sorry but you are right the novelty of moving will wear off pretty quickly. We done the same thing last year, moved. Bigger house, getting up in the world....you know, the usual. Doesn't make things right or fix anything unfortunately.

My parents stayed together for us kids. My mum lost her dad very suddenly at a young age and didn't want to 'deprive' us of a family.
So we had a child hood full of resentment, anger and animosity.
Your marriage is the first experience of a relationship that your children encounter, it stands to reason that they will learn a lot from it.
I know my mum did what she did with the best intentions but she is the first to say she got it wrong.
Both my sibling and I have suffered with mh issues and struggled to have a healthy relationship. My last one was controlling and abusive and led to me becoming a victim of dv. During therapy I've learned that a lot of the reason I have made unhealthy choices is because I never saw what a healthy relationship model looked like.
Staying for the sake of the kids, imo is selfish and wrong. Your children deserve/need two happy parents not two that are making eachother miserable because it's easier than splitting.

Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and take decisive action.

You aren't deciding to murder someone. The world is full of divorced parents managing just fine, mostly wishing they'd done it years ago, with children who also wish they had done it years ago. Happy parents means more to children than awkward pick ups and drop offs and a smaller bedroom.

Whilst other things in life are hard at the moment my kids are 100 x happier now that me and DH split up.

They miss him but settled into new routines fairly quickly and that's been even with him being crap at contact.

Far better than the all pervasive bad feeling that exists in a bad marriage and believe me you are kidding yourselves if you think the kids don't feel it!

It seems huge but once the words are said then everything just happens.

Been there and finally found the courage to draw that line the sand and have not regretted it for one second.

You will know when you have reached that tipping point.

My life is a 1000 better now.
I have a DP who treats me with immense kindness and respect and love.

My kids have not just survived but bloomed.

Life is too short to live a miserable one.

At the beginning of the year both me and DCs were miserable because of DHs moods and controlling behaviour. Now he's 'changed'. Anyone watching him now wouldn't think there was a problem. And the DCs have relaxed.

But I haven't. I can't. He goes through long periods of being 'normal ' but I know from bitter experience that he'll switch again sooner or later.

Thing is that if I call it a day now I don't know if the DCs will understand. He will never accept I'm anything other than 'melodramatic and over-sensitive'. But I'm not sure I could go through a split where DCs might blame me. But I also don't want them to go through shite again....

There doesn't seem to be an answer.