Still confused about an ex from 15 years ago.

[Troubleeveryday]

I’d be grateful for some advice. I met a men 15 years ago and had the most intense relationship that I have ever experienced. I was 4 years older than him - and wanted a family. I would have continued the relationship, but I believed he didn’t want this on the same timescale as me. I moved away, and met a lovely man that did - we have a child together and we are not married. Our relationship is fine - we function ok, some arguments which we resolve. He works very long hours, and I feel ‘on my own’ and unsupported a lot of the time. I believe we care about each other, but we are quite different people. I have sporadic contact from the man I met 15 years ago. I have never really been able to forget about him, and he has now moved nearby - and I have seen him when we’ve been out with our families. He is not married and co-parents. He lives with his child’s mother but they have split up. I have thought about this man from 15 years ago on a daily basis - the conversations we had, how similar we are, that we had the same interests and sense of humour. I had an email from him last week and I guess the answer is to not reply/have any contact?? I have NEVER experienced anything like the feelings I had for him. But do this feelings mean anything? Why can’t I just forget about it all.

Its extremely common to look back on past relationships through rose coloured glasses when our present one is a bit stale. But the fact is, if that person had been right you'd have stayed together. It doesnt mean something can't happen now, but it means that if you weren't strong enough to stick together first time round you'll just be settling this time round, after the initial spark and excitement because routine.

Thanks so much for your response one man. It is just this relationship - I think about no one else from the past. His move nearby has thrown me too - that we’ve seen each other out and about. It feels as if I’m being tested.

I think you need to focus on your current relationship and why you are thinking of someone else. Are you happy enough? Do you feel something is missing?
I know when I was miserable in my relationship with my ex, I would focus on other men (didn't do anything) but with think of exes, or men I knew and start idealising them. It's sort of a distraction from what's really going on.

Also it's true, you are thinking he's a great guy when you really don't know him any more. The odd conversation doesn't mean you know this person. How much have you changed in 15 years?

Thanks meow for your response. I had such intense feelings for him - and trying to deny them, to rationalise and concentrate on something that would work for my future. And it’s still a constant battle between what I want and what I should do.

It feels like you are trying to justify an affair...

No twinkle. I’m genuinely struggling with this and want help. I’m not trying to justify an affair.

I had a similar situation with an ex turning up from the past. I turned him down for a meet up in a hotel. Decide what you want from your marriage and don't do anything with the ex. I had/have similar feelings to you but won't start anything while still married