How can we save our marriage?

[chocolatekimmy]

Deep breath, it’s been several years since I’ve been on here and I’m hoping someone can offer me some practical tips.

We’ve been together since school and celebrated our silver anniversary last year. We’ve got 3 lovely children between 12 and 17.
But, Ive started to resent my husband and just wonder where we go from here.
He’s a hard worker and has been a good dad but he is insular and struggles with relationships. He has a season ticket for his team but he has no friends as such or social life outside of that. About 3 years ago he said we are his life, he likes my parents and his mum but everyone else he could live without. That deeply concerned me but he says he is happy at home and doesn’t want to go out or be around other people much.
I have quite a good (fairly small but close) circle of friends, I do a couple of classes a week and have a girls night out every other month and catch up with other friends now and then.
The last few years we’ve had a few conversations where I’ve said I’m not that happy, all the fun has gone and I feel like his mum - I’m the one who organises stuff. I’ve said things need to change and I can’t go on like this yet nothing’s really changed.
I’m feeling like he is a dependent now rather than an equal. I want him to take the lead sometimes and suggest the odd night out. Things have been strained the past few months, I’m cold and distant when I’m peed off and put a barrier up so there’s little affection yet he takes it. I resent him for burying his head in the sand and just taking it.

I’m at fault too, I work too hard, get home after him so he does most of the cooking and then log on again later (he just watches TV all night) so we dont really communicate. He feels he does everything day to day and he does a lot but he does stuff rather than make the children and then moans about it - bit of a martyr.

We had another ‘conversation’ last week, he can’t see how counselling will help and thinks I over think things but I’m reflecting and have come to the realisation that I’ve not been as happy as I should be for years, it feels a bit of a sham really, behind closed doors and all that.
I’ve realised I get my happiness from the other parts of my life - children, friends, work and not my marriage.
The sad thing is that I do love him and can’t imagine life without him and I don’t want a family break up. Things are kind of OK and nothing terrible has ever happened but it’s not enough for me, I’m late 40’s and can’t imagine another 30 years like this either. Am I just staying for the sake of the children? How do we get things back on track?

Sorry it’s so long, any advice or tips will be appreciated

Let me get this straight. Your DH is:

hard working
devoted
faithful
helpful
cooks
does chores
happy for you to go out regularly
a great dad

And you're thinking of leaving? This is why women get the reputation of being impossible to please. 🤣

OP, are you peri-menopausal? Stressed at work? Feeling bored in general?

I'd say your happiness is your responsibility, not his. It's unfair to pin your current restlessness on your marriage, especially as you're not currently investing any of your attention or energy into it.

Go out with him 2-3 nights a week. Try new things together. Go away for a weekend. Shag his arse off.

If you're dissatisfied, make positive changes in your own life, like train for a marathon, raise money for charity, write racy crime novels, learn a new language, start a YouTube channel or blog about revamping long marriages...

Marriages - especially long, calm, content marriages - are uneventful by nature. I think that's the point? They're the steady harbour from which each of you can launch yourselves into the oceans of life... That's a very flowery way of saying you've got it great - happiness starts on the inside.

I'm really honestly sorry if my message sounded snarky at the start. I just feel a bit sorry for your DH. MN can be littered with crap husbands, lying, cheating, avoiding chores, going out loads. In contrast, your DH sounds 😍

Please don't lose respect for him because he "takes it" when you get grumpy and withdraw. Many men do that, in my experience. That's not a reason for you to walk over him.

You sound unfulfilled. Could this be Empty Nest syndrome more than a dull marriage? Your life has moved into a new stage but that doesn't mean your DH has become the wrong companion.

You obviously crave some drama and passion - are you creative? I could picture you finding these passions in creating things like novels, or trying acting.

Hopefully you'll get loads of great new suggestions later. Good luck!

What’sgoingoneh - I just don’t like him much now and have lost respect.

Maybe I sound ungrateful and yes he could be a liar/cheater etc but how I feel is how I feel regardless of the reasons for it, it’s all relative.
He’s also grumpy, sexist, slags off and criticises/judges virtually everyone - including my family.
Re your other points:-

• he doesn’t want to go out, he wants to stay in and watch TV
• he doesn’t want to try new things
• we have a couple of nights away each year and usually it’s pretty good
• sex has been great over the years (quality more than quantity) but I no longer fancy him as he’s piled on weight. I resent him for that too as I think as parents we have a duty to keep healthy for the sake of our children.
• I do lots for me, race for life each year and a couple of other fundraisers. I also dance and perform once or twice a year
• not empty nest syndrome yet

I appreciate your comments as it’s helping me see things from a different perspective so I don’t see it as snarky at all. Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply. Maybe I should just plod along and carry on getting my happiness elsewhere and let him carry on being passive etc

What do you actually want?

Because it sounds like you want to leave him based on the following.

I just don’t like him much now and have lost respect.

He’s also grumpy, sexist, slags off and criticises/ judges virtually everyone - including my family.
I no longer fancy him as he’s piled on weight.
I resent him for that

Why didn't you say all those things in your first post?

Your DH sees no point in counselling. Based on your resentment, dislike, loss of respect and attraction for him .. I agree with him.

Counselling can't change any of those things. You want him to change...have you shared your true feelings? Or do you want to go to counselling as a tick box exercise. Say you've tried it and then split up.

I think I’m in denial too and probably tried to gloss over it to start.
I want him to change, absolutely and I’m not planning to leave him anytime soon. This is about the third similar conversation in the past few years but the physical side has only come into it in the last two months. Maybe I’m flogging a dead horse?

Any practical tips on where to start with all this or do you think it’s gone too far?

Does he enjoy it when you go out/away?
Can you tell him you want to start having regular date nights (hate that term) and that you need to take it in turns to arrange? So you plan, book and pay for one, then he does the same - weekly, fortnightly or monthly, say?
It sounds like there’s not much fun and you are different characters with different needs. That’s fine, but you need to find some middle ground.

If your strengths are organising things etc then where’s the harm in you doing that as long as he is keen to come along?

It looks like there are many strengths to your marriage and you are quite lucky in some respects

Divorce really can be hell and especially with children the age of yours

What you should also remember is that if you met someone else tomorrow then in ten years you’d have similar complaints about them. Marriage really isn’t perfect. There will be things that irritate you etc but like I say that happens in most long marriages.

I really don’t believe that in this case the grass is greener

Your second post was a lot more damning of him than your first!

Have you met anyone else?

Reading your post is like watching the Louis Theroux programme about Debbie McGee and Paul Daniels, somehow.

Reading your post is like reading what I would have written myself a year ago, your DH sounds almost identical to mine and your feelings the same as mine too.

We separated and while it’s been the hardest scariest year I can ever remember I know I’d never go back.

That's quite a shift in the way you talk about him from first post to second post.

OP - it’s unrealistic to expect people to change after so many years together. So - I won’t hold your breath.

And in the same time - I think it’s also unrealistic to have all your life expectations to be put on one person.
You get your happiness from dancing, socialising, friends and hobbies - it’s great. Why do you see that as a problem?

However - you do sound unhappy with your life with him. And he is unlikely to change.

So - not many choices there really - you either leave or change the way you look at the situation.
Sorry. I don’t think there is an answer you were hoping for. No magical solution to transform H into another man.

Did

I haven’t met anyone else, can’t imagine being with another guy really.

MMmomDD - I think you’re right about changing the way I view the situation.

I am a similar age and in a similar situation. I feel so dead but nothing is actually wrong and in many ways I am lucky. I went looking for excitement elsewhere and it was the worst thing I did. If you are not happy you need to sort it out or leave. I tried to have my cake and eat it and I felt vile for doing it and it did nothing except leave me feeling worse so I do not recommend that route. I am now in the process of trying to re invest in our relationship and take responsibility for making it better but it is really tough and I am not sure we will make it. Good luck.

There must be loads of books about this situation, surely? You can't be the only person who has felt this way, there must be LOADS. Do you have friends feeling similar? I'd vent to my married friends, but not my single ones!

You could look for practical tips in a relationship book. Mars & Venus cover this? Or Mating In Captivity?

What would you tell your DC to do if they found themselves in this situation?

I'm sorry I'm not being much help.