When estranged family try to make contact after a long time.

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I've been estranged from my family for years. Too long and complicated to go into why, but I've grown so much as a person since, have focused on my marriage and kids, found confidence and peace at last.

They had given up too but I've had two messages in the last month from separate family members. Apparently a close relative is going downhill health wise. She is elderly so she won't have too much longer left I would assume.
I don't feel bitter or angry anymore, even though they hurt me terribly. I just don't want to go back to all the hurt, the lies, the drama. I've changed hugely and I don't think they realise that even if I did get back in touch, I would not be the same.
I think I'll ignore it but of course it makes you wonder. Would I regret not saying goodbye? Would they hurt me again?
I suspect these two relatives are a bit desperate and I'm suspicious they've only contacted me now.

Tricky one, but only you know if the relative dies how you will feel.

I'm no contact with my parents, they are getting old and have a few health problems. But, unless they themselves contact me direct, I won't be visiting them. I said my goodbyes years ago, at their request did we go no contact.

I’ve had this recently with my mother. She emailed me after six years to say she thinks she dying as she has cancer. I decided to delete the email and not contact her. The email was still quite nasty, digs to me, etc....if she had written expressing her regret for the situation I may have felt differently.

I’m sure I will be sad when she dies and have some regrets, but mainly about how I was unable to have a relationship with her. I know if I got in touch with her she would make my life hell for her last months/years. We would never have a good relationship.

Those separate family members who have been contacting you re this elderly relative are doing so out of their own self interest and have probably been leaned upon into doing so by your family of origin. They are not interested in at all hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored. Such "flying monkeys" as they are termed can be easily manipulated into doing the family's dirty work for them.

Darlene Ouimet wrote a very interesting article on this type of issue. She went onto write, "Folks throw the following statement and question at them; “your father/mother/other relative is getting old and is in poor health, how are you going to feel if he/she dies?” My response to this question is; “what does his or her health have to do with the reason that I don’t communicate with my parents?” My parents had their whole lives to make a positive difference when it came to me. They made their choices, and apparently through the grid of how these type of statements are meant to be taken, my parents choices are acceptable but my choice NOT to put up with abusive and disrespectful disregarding treatment is NOT acceptable? That is insane. It’s like people are so brainwashed by this whole thing that they don’t even realize how stupid it sounds to be told to accept abuse/neglect/disrespect just because ‘they’ are ‘family’".

You are indeed wise to ignore such approaches.

Glad you asked the question as dealing with similar dilemma.

I simply don't want the chaos back in my life that contact would inevitably cause. I've worked hard at improving my outlook on life and accepting that my family was deeply dysfunctional. Just because I have changed does not mean they have, nor do they have to.

But I don't have to put up and shut up now either.

I, and I alone, will have to live with the consequences of my decision. I find it easier to live with my decisions than living someone else's "shoulds".

That's as far as I've got with my dilemma.

I've had NC with my parents since childhood. My mother is a horribly spiteful bitch who should never have been a mother, and my father was a thug (myself and 5 siblings are/were NC with either). We were also NC with my father's family. My father died a few years ago and we went to the funeral, were welcomed back with open arms and fawned over....fast forward a few months and the poison came flooding back. Now NC again and I couldn't care less, they brought nothing positive to mine or my sibling's lives, did nothing but cause more upset and made us feel guilty for our his actions (our father abandoning each of us was apparently all our fault).
I've had emails from mother's partner since NC was established begging to get in contact (then demanding money), all ignored. When my mother dies I won't be interested; I won't be attending the funeral and if she was on her deathbed, I won't be visiting. I don't want that can of worms reopening.
If you've made your peace with whatever has happened and got the amount of closure you need, I wouldn't waste time on them. They won't be reaching out to 'make the peace' for anything other than selfish means, and you may end up getting dragged into that toxicity again. It's up to you though whether you'd regret not seeing this relative more than regret getting back in contact.