Contacting Estranged Parent - Need help thinking this through

[Lavenderdays]

I will try to keep this concise so, some back story will be missing.

Estranged from parents. Mother perhaps a bit emotionally neglectful and I suffered a loss a few years ago was the final straw ( I couldn't deal with my own emotions at the time let alone my mother's and let contact drift to a point where neither of us got in touch again).
I don't have a close relationship with my mother (who was largely emotionally absent when I was a child) - I don't have memories of doing anything with my her as a child and unfortunately don't have a close bond now. For various reasons I also became estranged from one of my brother's at around the same time - again related to my loss and I do feel kind of sad about this. They live very close together so there is not a chance of being in touch with one and not the other.
Anyway, I have recently had another child and for some reason want to share this news with my estranged family. Me eldest dc sometimes asks about her grandparent (who quite frankly wasn't the best with her either - but only grandparent) and this brings with it a fair amount of guilt.
My mother isn't 'bad' as such just absent and negative and unable to keep my business private if that makes sense, I parent my children differently but nevertheless do have some degree of sympathy with my mother's then (and to an extent) now situation. I also feel I am more of the parent to my mother - role reversal and have supported her through some difficult times but have received little back in return.
The thing is I want the best of both worlds -to appease my guilt and have limited contact but I'm not sure how this would work because she lives within an hour from me. I'm not sure she will even respond to my news if I got back in touch but I am not too bothered sadly but would still like to let my brother know about my news.
I know it is difficult to comment without having more back story but it could be quite outing. I'm not looking for others to victim blame or make snide comments, I'm more interested in hearing from others who may have found themselves in a similar situation. The difficulty is, I feel that if I'm going to take action, I will need to do it soon...or my baby news will be old news. My mother is quite a negative person (and probably experiences depression) and I cant say I have missed her all that much...but she is getting older and I don't want to be left with regret if something should happen. I am past anger - feeling more saddened by it all...if I could limit visits to a few times a year it would seem more enticing. Anyone?

Its not your fault your family of origin are dysfunctional; you did not make them this way.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your family. It is NOT your fault you are estranged from them, that has happened for very good reason. People like your mother who are emotionally absent, unable to maintain discretion and negative were and remain lacking parents. Your daughter needs emotionally healthy role models, not a toxic grandmother. A good rule of thumb here is that if a parent or relative is too toxic and/or difficult its the same deal for your kids as well. You've seen evidence of that already with her treatment of your eldest child. You would not have put up with all this either from a friend, your family of origin are no different.

You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Deal with your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) now and properly through counselling and finding a therapist you can work with. BACP for instance are good, NHS counselling has very long waiting lists, limited scope and few sessions offered. Such people are like shoes so you need to find someone who fits both in with you and your approach. Interview such people carefully in advance before deciding to work with any particular one. You may also want to look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the resources at the start of that thread. "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward is a good starting point.

No do not contact them. Your mother in particular has not changed nor has she apologised or even taken responsibility for her own actions and choices. No good will come to you of doing so, what would it achieve anyway apart from giving you and your own family unit a whole new level of pain?. Nothing apart from opening that Pandoras Box that should remain closed.

For me this would depend upon how emotionally harmful your mother is towards you and your children and whether there was malicious intent.

My own mother really does have her limitations. However I am able to confront her as and when needed but I know many people feel unable to challenge such behaviour.

But it is hard to say in your case either way with the limited info.

When I had my first dc (x4) my dm was around, so I was subjected to the same criticism as when I was a dc, went nc when dc were old enough to experience the same from her. Move on ten years and I had more dc and felt like I could give our relationship another go. Wrong, a fortnight in our regretted it , stumbled through a year then actually told her we couldn't have a relationship as it just didn't work, I didn't need a dm and she was still too critical to my dc.. She did write a letter of apology full of woe us me the shit dm etc. I just ignored it and moved on. Regretful I don't have a nice dm to share the joy of my dc but knowing I have done the right thing, especially for the dc.

Thank you so much for your responses, it was difficult to post.

I don't think my mother is deliberately malicious but she doesn't seem able to admit to being in the wrong and would just act like the victim if I tried to confront her or blame others (namely my father from whom she is now divorced).

The problem is, I think I blame myself for feeling this way. She once told me that as a young child/toddler, I never wanted to be cuddled/hugged and I cant remember her ever having done this throughout my childhood. I could never rely on her for support...I don't know why, I just didn't feel I could confide in her and my late grandparents became more like parents to me which I know I was very fortunate to have but still the fault feels like it lies with me.
I'm sorry, it didn't work out for you April and thank you for posting. I'm not really sure what I would expect from our relationship except the lifting of guilt and somehow patching things up, it's pretty hard hitting to say that you are estranged from your parents isn't it?

I do miss my brother though but he is easily swayed by his long term partner who seems not too dissimilar from my own mother in character and SIL seems to have somehow created a block in our sibling relationship. But I cant see my brother being able to secretly be in contact with me...the news would come out about the baby (not in a malicious way). There are things I would have liked to have said to him/would like to say to him...I think he would understand but as another poster has said, I don't really want it to open Pandora's box. Tricky! My brother really is the best of a bad bunch of dysfunction but of course, like me, he has not been disaffected by our upbringing and I think that is why he has chosen the partner he is with.

What you wish for i.e. for things to be patched up won't happen at all. How could that happen anyway; your mother would have to want to accept some responsibility here for her actions. You would also like to think that your mother was not and would not be emotionally malicious (because you are kind and have insight which is a quality your mother does not have either) but the facts of how your childhood was show otherwise. Your mother is a selfish soul who never wanted you to cuddle her, not the other way around!. How could you at all be blamed for her myriad of shortcomings and failings; you were but a child yourself at the time. It was not your fault then and its not your fault now.

Again, its not your fault that your mother was and remains emotionally unavailable to you. Its not your fault she is like this and your own fear, obligation and guilt re her makes you think otherwise. It also sounds like your brother has partnered up with someone akin to his mum as well so he is also really best avoided. Your siblings and you have all been and remain profoundly affected by your dysfunctional upbringing.

The best thing you can do for your kids going forward is to not inflict any of that upon them. Keep your parents well away from you as they have done and will continue to do you all great harm. There is really no good reason here to contact them at all; guilt is truly a useless emotion here.

attila's post was very very good and helpful (as were the others) the information for support and help was great.

If you had not just had your baby would you still be feeling this way?

From my point of view it seems to me that giving birth, as it does with all of us, can make a mother feel emotionally vulnerable. The baby's arrival brings such joy and love that we want to share it with the world, we want others to join in with this wonderful experience and of course most of us want our family around us.

It must be a very sharp reminder of everything that you have lost lavender the family that are no longer by your side, but this doesn't mean they should be welcomed back, it simply means you acknowledge that this is a period of time when you are likely to be feeling much more strongly than usual, and to accept those feelings.

I too am estranged from my parents and brother, it is a bereavement but it does get better. I love my family very much, and it has been the hardest thing having no contact at times, but I have quietly accepted the pain in exchange for the opportunity to raise my children away from their toxic dynamic and influence.

I find christmases and birthdays very hard, I would find having a baby even harder. But I know they will not change, apologise or alter themselves in any way to make things better, so there is nothing I can do, I can only change my actions, I can't change theirs.

There are many options available to you, you could send a new baby card and keep in contact by post only. That way you could also inform your brother. You run the risk that they ignore it, which will compound your pain, but may provide closure also in doing so.

You could choose to see her once a year (or more) if she responds to the card, however by doing so you will have to accept that you are most likely setting yourself up to be hurt again, she is unlikely to change if she hasn't even apologised or made any kind of effort to contact you.

I wish my dc had gp that loved them and were there for them, but the way I see it as it least they have devoted educated parents, that will walk to the end of the world for them. They don't need gp that will hurt and judge them, they need solid parents day in and day out that teaches them resilience and independence and self respect.

I would give it a little longer and see if you are feelings are being influenced by your new baby, or whether you genuinely want to see her/them again. If the baby had not arrived would you contact them?

Dysfunctional families are so difficult to navigate you have my sympathy, but focusing on the people that do love you and are around for you in every way is the way forward.

Sending your estranged family love and best wishes with your thoughts, but choosing not to actively engage with them may be the half way house you need. I often send my parents love by thought or prayer, I don't allow anger or negativity about my childhood damage me further, that was then, this is now. So I forgive them for hurting me, but I also give myself permission to be happy, to be free from judgement and emotional pain and to be respected, and I feel none of those things when I am with them.

In the end it is your choice. What do you think you will do?

I'm going to re-read this posts but I am so thankful to you all, it is amazing just how much wisdom is here on mumsnet.

If I hadn't had the baby, I probably wouldn't get in contact, so I think here-in lies the answer.

As, I said, I am going to re-read these posts but thank you so much for all of your thoughts x

I was surprised too re MN there are many wise souls on here for sure :) Very encouraging that there is a place in the world to come to consider our problems and challenges with the help of others.