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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop talking about ex

21 replies

lockupthepast · 23/04/2018 12:21

I'm in a new relationship after leaving an abusive ex and I keep mentioning him. It's not because I have feelings for him - that's long gone - but I don't really have much else that's happened over the last few years so he pops up in conversation more than I'd like.

Current partner has been really lovely and understanding about it, and has said he wants to replace those terrible memories with good ones. Which is beyond sweet of him.

I'm just really wary of it wearing him down over time and him getting fed up. Are there ways/techniques or anything that would help me filter the topic out of my conversations?

Any help appreciated x

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 23/04/2018 12:32

How about writing things down and then destroying it? Get all those thoughts out the way ?

Changedname3456 · 23/04/2018 12:34

How long ago did you and the ex actually split?

category12 · 23/04/2018 12:39

Well, he was part of your life. Where's this anxiety that current boyfriend will get fed up, stemming from? Is it from him? Is it yourself? In what sort of context does the ex appear?

Original poster

lockupthepast · 23/04/2018 12:48

@SparklyMagpie That's a good idea. I've got a sort of journal app I use but there's no destroying element so maybe that's what I need!

@Changedname3456 Beginning of this year. I wanted to leave last year but he had threatened to kill himself so took a while to work up the courage - sorry to dripfeed!

@category12 I think it's because this new guy is really good to me, I'm scared that I'm going to end up boring him and screwing it up. We'll be talking about something and it'll remind me, usually of something bad, that happened previously. Before I know it, I've said it out loud. Whilst I'm really glad I feel comfortable sharing it with this guy I just don't want to overstep the mark. Nobody likes to hear too much about exes I guess.

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 23/04/2018 12:58

So 3-4 months ago? And presumably this is your first relationship since?

I know where my head was at 3-4 months after exW and I split, and it wasn’t anywhere near ready for a new relationship. I didn’t think that then, of course, but time lends perspective.

If you like this new guy and think there may be legs in it long term then I would suggest taking a breather from it for a couple of months. Give yourself some space to be properly single and grieve the old relationship. It doesn’t matter how bad things got, you still need time (alone IMO) to process it properly.

Original poster

lockupthepast · 23/04/2018 13:06

@Changedname3456

Yeah about that!

The problem for me is that I don't have anything to grieve for the relationship itself, it was long dead in my eyes and when it finally came to leaving I only felt relief. I've never felt like I wanted to go back, I haven't even missed him once. I'd already grieved the loss of what we'd had long before I'd even left, that's partly what made it easier to do.

Otherwise I'd never have considered seeing anyone else. I know it is pretty soon, but I am happy with where it's headed and taking a break whilst I'm enjoying it would be messing this guy about and I feel like that's totally unfair.

The talking about my ex isn't actually holding anything back, it's a bit of paranoia on my part, but I was hoping that people could help me with some tips on just not talking about him rather than anything else.

OP posts:

OhWhatAWonderfulDay · 23/04/2018 13:37

This is me, RIGHT NOW.

My ex is all I seem to talk about. Like you, it's not because I love or miss him. It just comes up in conversation.

My ex was abusive too.

category12 · 23/04/2018 13:41

Maybe you should do the freedom programme and/or some counselling to deal with the fallout of the abusive relationship and make sure your boundaries are good. That way you have an outlet for discussion of your past, so it's not popping out of you when you don't want it to? I'd agree it's not a good idea to lean on the new boyfriend too heavily for emotional support or to work through prior issues.

So a bit of external support might be a good answer.

withouttea · 23/04/2018 13:49

This isn't very deep but it is practical- I put on an elastic band and twanged it every time I mentioned him. It sort of interrupted the angry train of thought and I could drag my thought back to something more beneficial.

My postman seemed to leave a rubber band on the path most days, which was a helpful reminder!

withouttea · 23/04/2018 13:50

Just to clarify - the rubber band was on my wrist.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/04/2018 14:30

The thing is whether you wanted the relationship to end or not you were abused, don't underestimate what impact that has on you. To keep thinking about and mentioning him is your brain's way of trying to process what you have been through. You have to acknowledge that to move through it or you're just taking that baggage with you.
I finally managed to leave an abusive (in every way) relationship a year ago. I did 6 months of therapy and worked through everything that happened to me. Only now am I starting to feel like I'm approaching the headspace to begin dating again. I had to look at why it happened, set new boundaries, build my confidence back up and I had to do all that without any help from another person.
My judgement and awareness was so skewed there was no way I could even consider a new relationship.
My whole head was filled with him and the abuse I had suffered and I had to find the strength to work through that for myself.
If I'm brutally honest with you my advice would be to end it. Work on yourself, recover. Don't try and erase what happened, these things have to be confronted and dealt with or they come back to bite you that's why so many women find themselves going from one abusive or toxic relationship to another.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 23/04/2018 14:37

It's a tough one. I found that when I started dating, all my stories were from university or before, even though at the time I was in my late 30s, because otherwise I would have been talking about my ex. It made my conversation feel really juvenile, as if I had stepped back in time.

Since I've been more comfortable in my relationship, I've started to talk about events from my time with XH but usually in a more general way eg 'one time when I was living in XX town' or 'this one time I went to YY and we...' I rarely, if ever, use my XH's name, though. There is a sort of artificiality to it that worries me vaguely, but it's getting more normal.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 23/04/2018 14:39

Not sure that's helpful, actually, because your situation is much more difficult than mine due to the circumstances. Just wanted to show understanding of the weird void that opens up in talking about your own life if you don't talk about what happened over a number of years.

Giselleb1 · 23/04/2018 14:43

Hi all, I got married last year and just gave birth to my baby girl. A girl called me at the start of the year to say she's been sleeping with my husband for over a year (which is half our relationship) and she showed me hotel receipts and WhatsApp messages and videos to prove it. She said she was also pregnant by him. Since then I've done some snooping and discovered that he's been texting other girls in the past year flirting and asking to see them. He's apologised profusely but denied sleeping with anyone else which i don't believe.
We were arguing a lot before the wedding and both said things we shouldn't have which is what he says drove him to do it. I just feel like my entire relationship with him has been a lie and I'm finding it so difficult to get past his betrayal. What's annoying now is that he still expects me to massage him and rub his back etc but the idea of it makes me sick as he told me that those are the things the other woman used to do for him. He keeps telling me to let go of the past but I'm just so angry and upset to the point it's depressing me. We had 2 sessions of counselling and the therapist said because I've just had a baby I should wait a couple of months to be emotionally ready to deal with the issues in the sessions. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I find myself hating him so much.

Original poster

lockupthepast · 23/04/2018 14:44

I'm just gonna reiterate here, I have no plans on leaving this current relationship, only looking for ways to stop mentioning my EA ex. That's all. I would appreciate if that could be respected, please. I've had a long hard few years and I've finally found the start of a small amount of happiness, I'm not about to throw it away on account of commenters own experiences. I do appreciate the advice, but it's not what I'm asking about right now.

@category12 I've had plenty of counselling over the last year, it was largely thanks to that that I was able to come to terms with what was happening and leave him. I do see another support type person every few weeks though, so I'll ask her if she has any suggestions too. But yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid! He is being very understanding but everyone's got a limit.

@withouttea That may be a good idea actually, worth a shot isn't it!

@OhWhatAWonderfulDay Really sorry to hear that. Hope you're doing better these days! That's exactly it though. I don't care for him but it just kinda, pops out 😬 I guess maybe I need to find more hobbies and I can replace the topic with those?

OP posts:

Giselleb1 · 23/04/2018 14:46

Sorry all for the accidental posting!

Original poster

lockupthepast · 23/04/2018 15:03

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden That's genuinely helpful actually, thank you! I'll try rephrasing things to not include mentions of him. I don't have such a large gap in time but I get what you mean, it does feel like stepping back in time!

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MeMyShelfandIkea · 23/04/2018 15:16

I get exactly where you're coming from OP, I mention my (also abusive) ex a lot too and I'm 8 years on from leaving him . The problem is I was with him for all my adult life and he isolated me from friends and family so he's my only reference point really. Luckily DH understands as most of the time I'm comparing him favourably to my ex, also DH has children so they're the ultimate reminder of his past relationship! It does get better though, I too did the letter writing/burning thing which helped me immensely.

Original poster

lockupthepast · 23/04/2018 19:23

@MeMyShelfandIkea I'm glad your DH is understanding sounds like you've got a good one! I'm definitely going to do the writing/burning thing!! It'll probably still come up in conversation from time to time, as anything does, but I just want to get to a normal level, you know? I was pretty isolated too so that's why I'm getting stuck talking about these experiences when I wish I had something better to say!

OP posts:

BOO32 · 23/04/2018 19:45

I think I do the same thing. I agree with some kind of wrist band as a reminder.

Also, just find new things to talk about, e.g see a film, theatre, visit gallery or gardens, do wildlife spotting or whatever interests you and you'll find you can talk about these things.

I think it isn't a problem if you mention them sometimes, it is part of your past.

QueenOfMyWorld · 23/04/2018 19:46

I did that when I met my now dh and he admitted later on down the line that he nearly ended it.Id nip it in the bud now concentrate on your new relationship

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