Mother booked holiday on my baby’s due date

[Honey456]

Just that really.

My husband and I are expecting our first child in early July, I had a chat with my Mum the other day and she casually mentioned she has two holidays booked in July. They’re around my due date and as they say to add on a few weeks- likely to be when I give birth.

I know I am overreacting and I haven’t said anything to her but I was just a bit upset about it. We’ve never been close- she was always more focused on herself/ her relationships but I thought my pregnancy might change this. Even when I got married she didn’t attend dress fittings/ get involved with flowers etc. It made me sad because I see how involved my friends mothers are.

I don’t know what I hope to achieve by posting this but I guess I just wanted to write it down. Is it silly that I was upset by this? I don’t need her to be at the hospital but thought she might want to be around to support and be in the same country when her granddaughter is born!

Thanks for reading- just wondering if anyone can relate. :)

The only thing you can do is mourn the mother you want her to be and accept the mother she is, this will help to diminish the sting of rejection in time.

No it’s not silly, your mum sounds very self absorbed. I hope your MIL is more supportive, blood is not always thicker than water.

Just noticing you say ‘a few weeks after’. You’ll have to fight to go more than 14 days over your due date if you’re in the U.K., so does that still mean she’s away when you might give birth?

I’m sorry this has happened.
Maybe she thinks you’ll go over your dates as it’s your first and she did?
Has she flexible tickets? Or is it most likely she really is just not going to be there for you? That sucks, big time.

Like Isetan, i also think you have to accept who she is; that she not going to be there for you; and you’ll just have to crack on, and enjoy welcoming your little baby into the world without her support. Let your midwife team know you’re feeling a bit bereft and abandoned.

Keep us posted on how you get on in July!
#teamHoney456

Unless you need her to help with older DC I wouldn't mind personally.
I didn't want visitors straight away with mine, its nice having time to recover and just with you baby and DP for a few days and the baby won't change within a week.

If your mum was like me she probably wouldn't have thought its an issue, when mine are older I would definitely be around if they wanted me to and would check so she is being a bit thoughtless, but she may have assumed you wouldn't want people visiting straight away so not considered that it would be an issue.

Isetan and Mydc you are so right. I know I will be a completely different mother to my daughter. I know she cares in her own way but I just wish she was more involved with my life. Luckily my grandma is lovely and I want to try to include my MIL a bit more- so will have her support. My husband agrees she is selfish but thinks I need to accept it and I know he is right. He is amazing and supports me completely which helps.

Dragons. There’s two holidays- one over my actual due date then one I think a week or so afterwards.

What other support do you have around you OP? My mother wouldn't book a holiday for my due date, she'd just turn up after the birth sit down and expect to be waited on despite me having just had a baby. Some people are just inately selfish.

Try and create a support structure around you that doesn't involve this woman. My mother moved in with us because she was homeless and still made no effort to build a relationship - I had visions of going out for coffee together or clothes shopping. No, was apparently never going to happen.

I can understand why you are upset but if you aren't that close anyway I think you are possibly more upset that you don't have the kind of relationship you imagine you should have rather than you actually needed/wanted her around any way at that time?

You know what though, it's her loss. She's missed out on all that stuff with you because of her own selfishness, you are going to have your own little family very soon and you can be the kind of mother you want to be to your own daughter.

My grandma sounds very like your mother and she is now elderly and a bit lonely because she always prioritised her own life over her children and grandchildren and never built up close relationships with them. She's not a horrible person but I think she realises now that you only get back what you put in and is having some regrets and is now making a bit more effort.

I also wouldn't hold much store in the 'add a few weeks' thing either. Babies come when they come, regardless of if they are your first or seventh and that's just as likely to be early as it is late.

It’s a bit deliberate isn’t it. 2 holidays at that time. Be warned she might ignore you whilst being besotted by new baby, set some boundaries if you can.

I can assure you that there are others out there who have mothers just like yours. Mine has always been this way and same with my in-laws. Kids are now 6yrs and 4 years and maybe see them once a year.

You can't choose your family and just have to accept them as they are. It will certainly make you a more resilient parent not having grandparent support. Just make your own plans and get some antenatal and postnatal support. Perhaps a doula? Someone to give you the support you feel your mother is unable to offer.

Thanks Bubbles- no other children but we do have fur babies. Luckily the we have a dog daycare lady on call for that!

She’s definitely not done it maliciously. She’s not a horrible person at all- it just didn’t occur to her. You’re also right that we might not want visitors straight away anyway depending on how things go!

Ha! Been there, done that! My second baby born in July... height of holiday season. The family members who were supposed to watch my other child when I went into labour went away. My father told me he had "a picnic " on my due date and couldn't assist. Fast forward to my third child... I had learned, I thought, not to rely on family, so booked in a "friend " instead. She went skiing after hearing of my placental abruption... she just went skiing. My husband missed that birth altogether... I had one more baby after that and learned that I can't rely on anyone.

Baby boomers make the worst grandparents. Selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic, second wave feminist ideals. Put themselves first. Don't believe me? Loads of complaints on this online and in real life. Look, If you grew up with a lovely grandmother who was born around the war, who came of age in the 50s and wrapped you in a warm maternal embrace, then brace yourself for disappointment with your baby boomer mother. A generalization, but one many of my friends agree on...

I work in medicine, boomers also make terrible patients. Sixties free love sex, self absorbed lifestyles stay with them in all areas. High drug use and sexually transmitted disease.

Boomers. It's a mindset. You lost the lottery there, my friend.

Me too. My mother ignored my pregnancy, basic congratulations when I my husband called to announce the birth and haven’t heard from her since.

Now on my second and not even bothering.

She is not the mother you deserve, but unfortunately she is the mother you got.

So surround yourself with people who love you, your dh and you and give her as much thought as she is giving you

It’s a bit deliberate isn’t it. 2 holidays at that time. Be warned she might ignore you whilst being besotted by new baby, set some boundaries if you can.

I agree with all of this. I'm sorry OP. I have a similar mother (by the sounds of things) and it does make things difficult - I think unconsciously I expected her to morph into the perfect grandmother when DD came along, and she sooo didn't.

My mother doesn't even know the names of my four gorgeous children, all under 8... my father lives ten minutes away and never visits.

Please google baby boomer grandparents. It will help.

If your own grandparents were wartime, you will be slapped in the face by boomer granparenting style. Chalk and cheese. Don't get me started!

YANBU

My mother did the same and it broke my heart. I don't understand it at all. I look at my adult DD now and can't imagine not bending over backwards to be available for her when she's expecting her first.

Unfortunately a lot of our parents are not as our culture/media says they will be, like the rest of life. Its disappointing but I don't think there is anything you can do to change it. Are your inlaws supportive?

I was talking to a woman at work yesterday. She is due to be a grandmother in August, but was telling me all about a cruise she's booked for that same month. When I asked whether she was worried about missing the birth she looked a bit sad and said 'oh they won't want me hanging around, I always feel like I'm in the way as it is'. Is it possible your mum feels like this, that there is just some miscommunication?

Or did she book the holidays before you announced your pregnancy?

If not, as others have said, it's her loss. But I would certainly let her know you're sad about it, I don't hold with bottling things up anymore, people should know when they hurt us.

My Mum was in the States on holiday when my youngest was born. Can't say it mattered that much as they came straight down to see us when returned.I think unless you have discussed her being there for the birth she wouldn't have given it much of a thought.

Thanks everyone. It’s been really nice to read your replies.

The holidays were only booked very recently.

I don’t think she’s is trying not to ‘get in the way’ just that she has other priorities.

Our relationship is at bit awkward at the moment (although I doubt she notices). But basically she was in a relationship- we didn’t like him for various reasons. He messed up all their finances etc. and she finally decided to leave him. Moved out, started again- we helped with all this. Then she started seeing him again! It’s like the elephant in the room as she knows how I feel about it. I’m pretty sure that’s who she’s going on holiday with which makes this even worse.

I guess the main thing to remember is that I’m a grown up now so don’t have to put up with it and will have my own family very soon :)

Honey

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way.

Her other priorities are her own self and self interest (along with men); those holidays were in all likelihood booked deliberately. Its of no real surprise to read that your own relationship with her is a difficult one; she has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Do not help her any more with her life; she has basically chucked it all back at you for this useless male she has chosen to shackle herself too.

Am sorry to further read that your mother is not the kind soul you perhaps still so want her to be. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. It may be an idea for you going forward to speak to someone like a therapist re your mother. This is because becoming a parent yourself could and often does highlight emotional issues in adult children whose parents were themselves lacking. You go on to realise that you would never treat your child in the same ways.

Consider too whether you want your as yet unborn child to have a relationship with her along with further strengthening and reinforcing your own boundaries re her as and when needed.

Attila has that right. Don't wait till your own kids are in their teens to sort out your hurt. It can take a few goes to get the right therapist but its really worth it when you do.
You know that poem They fuck you up, your mum and dad
We all have damage but its possible to get to the bottom of why we feel and do what we do, and heal some of it.

Sounds like your mum will be fully rested and eating to meet her new grandchild just around the time your husband returns to work. Perfect.