my ex is in a fantasy land

[dadfather]

My partner of 23 years announced to me about two months ago that she had met someone new and wanted to leave me. Having grown up under adulterous but discreet parents in an ugly atmosphere, she claimed she'd rather come clean with me than have a secret affair.
Of course, as details seeped out, she'd already had the secret affair and was just announcing an intention to continue it. I was stunned, confused and really hurt. We have two children together, we have a house that we've just spend a year doing up and all these years, I've provided for everything as the main breadwinner.
She's a smart woman, but everything about this announcement seems hair-brained. The other guy is married, has two kids, has his elderly father living with them, shares property with his wife, basically a lot of ties. I've spoken to his wife and she claims they don't have much money, let alone any spare to set up a new flat for a mistress!
My partner and I are not married, we share the contract on the house, (although I pay everything) and she has recently lost her job. So when she says their plan is to get a place together, it all sounds like a ludicrous teenage fantasy. There's no way she can support herself away from our home and whatever he's promised, I don't believe he can either.
We haven't told our kids yet because I'm reluctant to put them through this trauma without clear answers and a plan.
So for now, she's just swanning around the house living life as if nothing has happened while I'm suffering with all the questions that a betrayed and deserted spouse has to endure. At first, I said I'd rather she didn't leave, for the sake of the children. But now she's started going off on romantic weekends with other guy, presumably to get to know him more, because they only started their romance three or four months ago! I feel so disrespected now that I don't want to be under the same roof with her. It can't work. Legally, I cannot throw her out because she "owns" half the house. But I just can't see how she can leave. Rather than avoid the toxic atmosphere she grew up with by being open about it, she's just recreated it all the same. The best solution would to have been not to have the affair.
I seriously think it's probably a mid-life crisis or that she's got some psychological problems. Our relationship had stagnated, sure, but she says she wasn't unhappy with life, just that meeting this guy stirred new feelings and wanted to go with him. I've done everything I can to try and get her to "come to her senses" but I'm not stupid - she's clearly in love at the moment.
However, now the damage is done. Trust is gone and if her new relationship doesn't pan out (and I really think it may not) am I supposed to be here welcoming her back to the family home?
I am terrified of telling the kids, but we're going to have to because they will be sensing something's not right. But when they say "what next", I don't want to be shrugging my shoulders. I'm devastated at the moment. Strong enough to believe that I can move on, but terrified that I won't be able to because my ex, having blown up our family, now isn't going anywhere.

She needs to move out or you need to.
She sounds like she thinks she can walk all over you, Dont be a doormat.

Sorry op, this must be very hard on you. How old are your children?

What an awful situation for you to be in.

First things first, you need to get legal advice. They'll be the best people to tell you about all the things you need to be considering, such as where the children will live and with whom, and what your financial obligations are likely to be in different circumstances. Once you've got that information, you can make a plan and then tell the children what will be happening.

Agree with PP - where are the DC going to live for the majority of the time? You or her? Can you manage 50:50 if you can’t have them for the majority? Do they need to stay in a certain catchment area? Where do your respective parents live?

I know you’re hurting from the crap she’s putting you through, but as PP have said, you have to try your best to shut down your feelings and concentrate on the practicalities as she clearly isn’t going to.

See a solicitor. You can’t force her out whilst it’s still in joint names, but you may be able to get the sale process started and doing so may get her to focus on the practicalities too.

And no, I wouldn’t be in a rush to take her back when reality kicks in. A child of cheating parents who cheats herself? That’s behaviour that will never change.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I'm glad you've decided not to tolerate it.

Having been in a similar position, my advice would be to seek legal advice and get your ducks in a row. I would move quick, before she realises what she stands to lose and starts fighting to stay.

I think she will have quite a shock once it is common knowledge and she begins to consider the financial implications.

You can both live in the house until the finances are resolved, if you can bear it, but there are other options - depending on your means - that your solicitor will advise you about.

See a solicitor. Can you afford to temporarily move out and rent a 2 bed flat somewhere close? The best thing to do is piss all over the fantasy with some cold reality. Cut off her line of credit. No more free cash. Once you are out she has to cover all the bills. Childcare. No more swanning around with kids to sort out. Honestly, the best thing you can do is be unavailable and make her life really really hard. Don’t facilitate. Give her a cold stare and say “we are done. You disgust me now. I’m moving out tomorrow. You’ll hear from my solicitor about selling the house and arrangements for me to have the kids sometimes” then leave and do not contact her or respond to any messages. Cold hard shock. That bloke is not leaving his wife and she can only swan around because you are paying for it all. Stop paying. If you want her back then really this is the only way to possibly do it. Get that respect back.

People so often end up recreating their childhoods, no matter how far they want to run from them, which is exactly what your ‘partner’ has done here. Which is a tragedy.

But it’s a tragedy caused by herself, and she’s hurting her family in the process, which is not ok, and you do not have to accept this. In fact you should not accept this at all.

Get legal advice, then split. You absolutely shouldn’t have to live with her swanning around shoving her affair and ‘new love’ down your throat. It’s disgusting and so incredibly selfish and cruel.

It doesn’t matter if she and her fuck biddy can’t support themselves. It doesn’t matter what their standard of life is like or what she idiot fantasy she’s got going. You look after yourself and the children.

You don’t support her or set her up in her new life because she’s betrayed you and she has no right to your love and care the moment she ripped your relationship up into pieces by doing this... sorry if that sounds upsetting, but you’re very much in the nurturer and caring role still, and I think she’s expecting you to stay in that role whilst she is a traitor to you and somehow that’s ok?!

You need to see a solicitor asap. Staying wig her would be silly as you can never be sure she won't do it again.

Sorry about this OP hope you get it sorted but what she is doing is selfish and despicable. No doubt he will come to his senses and she will come to cry on your shoulders.

Thanks for all your posts. Just to be clear, the kids are 13 and 11 and my partner at least completely agrees that neither they nor me are going anywhere. Selling the house is not on the cards. This is their home and will continue to be. She says she is happy to move out somewhere local and visit when appropriate.
Right from the moment she broke this, I said this wasn't something I had expected or asked for, so she had no right to fight for anything - so far, she gets this.
The problem is really that despite her intentions to go, I'm just struggling to see it how it will become a reality. But I've called her bluff now. This dream guy is going to have to come up with the goods to move her out. If he can, I'm sure his wife is going to have a few questions about his sudden wealth!
I do think amicable break-ups are possible and even for the parents to live under the same roof for a while for the kids' sake. But when betrayal is involved and there's a third party lurking somewhere else... nah, it's not really do-able.

So difficult to try and see my partner now as the same person I'd known up until this year.

How will you make her move out, if she doesn't go, if her new relationship fails?

Finances will be sorted out legally as part of any divorce process, and the courts have a responsibility to see you both housed and treated fairly.

As the resident parent you may be entitled to stay in the house until dc are 18, if there is alternative means to house your dw (her bf's income is not taken into account, should he still be on the scene), or it may have to be sold.

She will change her mind about what she wants from the family pot if she is single and penniless and homeless. Indeed, at that point, she may push for full custody and to stay in the marital home herself.

I don't disagree with you about the unfairness of it all, but you do need legal advice particular to your situation.

Thank you RainyApril. These are all good points and I'm going to start by consulting a mediator today.
I do intend to get legal advice as you are right - her views and needs will change in the future. However, we are not married and so it will need slightly different considerations.

If you can afford it, give her a rental deposit to start her off and get her out in a flat since she's willing to go.

From what you’re saying- she’s happy for you to RP, stay in the house, with the kids, and set up visitation of some sort? I’m glad you’re going to get legal advice. Although neither of you can be made to leave, there will be entitlements that she will be able to claim from the house if it’s a joint property. Proper legal advice regarding where and who the children are staying with, and what financial obligations you will both have are better sorted out sooner rather than later

Well then you will certainly be in a much stronger position without a marriage contract - your pension and any savings or property in your name are off the table unless she's able to prove a contribution.

I'm glad you're moving fast, it sounds very cynical but guilt makes people amenable but it doesn't last long.

Having said that, I'm sure you want to treat the mother of your dc fairly (despite her outrageous behaviour).

Can you make her leave sooner rather than later? I am horrified that she's still living there and seeing her affair partner! You will heal faster the sooner she leaves and stops being so cruel to your face.

Get her out. Now.

Can i just say it just shows how self absorbed she is that she is prepared to leave her children behind so that she can go and dance the light fantastic with this guy which will disappear pretty soon when she realizes what she has traded in.

As they say the grass is not greener on the other side it is just the same.