Should I leave and if so how on earth do I???

[turmoil]

This may be long so please bear with me.

I met my DP 11 years ago at the age of 18. At the time he was kind, loving, took care of himself and we had a great sex life. Fast forward 11 years and everything has changed and not for the better. During the time we have been together we have had our ups and our downs but over the past few years things have got worse and worse. I have always suffered from anxiety but in the last few years things have got so bad that I suffer from panic attacks and am unable to eat in front of people or go on long car journeys as I get too anxious. I would say in the last 7 years or so DP has become abrasive and a very angry individual. He regularly swears at me and calls me names including saying I am mentally ill and that no-one else would ever want me due to my anxiety problems. I am ashamed to say he has been phsically violent with me on occasion, perhaps not as bad as others go through but he has pushed me over and once kicked me when I was on the floor.

We moved 200 miles away from where we used to live about 4 years ago and I have found it hard to make friends. I supported DP for 3 out of 4 of those years and then we paid £2k for him to retrain. Now I work part time and he works full time and he often says he earns all the money and I make no contribution. He bought an x box 360 live a few months back and spends all his free time on it talking to his friends and no time with me despite knowing how isolated I am feeling living where we do, and he smokes cannabis all the time. We have an 8 year old DS who hears blazing rows, hears his father swearing at his mother constantly and I hate the fact that he has to grow up with this as he is such a lovely little boy and does not deserve this.

Financially things have really come together and we now have a real chance to buy a fantastic house in the country which is what I have wanted for such a long time. However I am so unhappy and want to move back to where we used to live where I do have friends. However this would mean perhaps living on benfits in a poky flat as the cost of living there is so much higher than where we are. I am scared I would be depriving DS of the things he could have here and I know he would miss his friends. DP would hate me for taking DS away and I am so scared that I will never meet anyone else due to my anxiety problems.

Thank you to anyone who has managed to read this far. I just don't know what to do. We are about to buy this house and I know if we do I will be stuck here and may live to regret it but at the same time I am scared that if I do leave I may live to regret this too.

Can anyone advise me?

I have no advice you poor thing (((hugs)))

But couldnt read this at this time of the night without at least sending you a hug and let you know someone has read what you are coping with.

Hope someone comes along soon with better advice, I am worried about the physical violence even once tbh and money does not but happiness, but as I dontknow anything about being in this situation I cant suggest anything,

take care
xx

Hi turmoil,
I'm also up worrying late at night so like harrisey wanted to just send hugs and say hello.

I'm sorry to hear what a difficult time you're having. It's admirable wanting the best for ds, but ultimately it really does sound as though you should make the break from dp and move with ds back to your friends.

Him saying you won't meet anyone else because of your anxiety problems is abuse, and that's him bullying you into staying with him. What, so he's doing you a favour is he?! He's terrified of you leaving him, more like. He knows he doesn't deserve you.

Hope you're okay, am thinking of you. Be strong xx

Thanks Harrisey. Just had enough really! I forgot to mention that we have not had sex in god knows how long either and that he seems to have forgotten how to look after his appearance too. Know the apprearance thing isn't a big issue but he just is not anywhere near the person he was all those years ago and I want that person back

Thanks Lilybubble too. Hope things sort themselves out for you too what ever it is you are worried about x

this sounds very very difficult. is he the cause of your anxiety? he is not treating you with any respect whatsoever which is not good for you nor for your son to see. this is clearly no way for you to live and you sound totally miserable. his cannabis addiction is no good at all. does he smoke around your ds?

seems to me that buying this dream house in the country will just isolate you further and will not solve any problems.

if you left him and went back to your home, would you have people that you could count on? initially you might be in a pokey flat, missing out on your dream home but it won't be forever. and yes, you WILL meet someone else who doesn't abuse you. i really don't think you will regret leaving this man who gives you no support, is emotionally abusive and hooked on cannabis. you deserve better.

Can you go to your doctor about your panic attacks./ there are ways of curing them, or at least making them easier to cope with.

You can then make a decision while you are feeling strong.

Thanks warthog and thatbeetroot. I wouldn't say he is the cause of the anxiety but he is not as patient or understanding as he used to be and I feel his true feelings come out during rows where he accuses me of being a lunatic, not all there in the head etc.

I have been to my GP re the anxiety and have been referred to counselling. I have been on the waiting list for 18 months now and was told a week ago that I will be called in the next few weeks or so.

My friends where I want to move to are fantastic friends but they all have their own issues so I would not expect them to be there solely for me. One's partner has just cheated on her and left her to bring up their 3 kids on her own and another is pregnant. However I know I would be so much happier being near my friends. I just want to make sure I make the right decision. I knom meeting someone else would not be an issue for a long time if I did move, but someday I would like to have another relationship and more children. However what if no-one else wants me bearing in mind the issues that I have. I don't want to be on my own forever either.

Hiya Turmoil,

Im sorry to hear that your having such a bad time of it. Personally, i would not buy the house or even consider it at this stage. Have you tried talking to him and telling him how he makes you feel? Could he change? It sounds like he has knocked all confidence out of you and maybe wants you to feel isolated? Maybe you would be happier where you used to live as you have friends there that could support you. Your main priority is your DS (not that you need me to tell you that), think about whats best for him and what would make him happy. Yes, he would miss his friends, but he will soon make new ones, im sure.

Sorry if not much help but let us know how you get on.

Hiya,

Im really struggling to find any mother and toddler groups in my area?!!!

I live in Farnborough, Kent....anyone know of any or how i find them?

Doh!

Thanks x

Hi Turmoil,

I really struggled when trying to decide whether to leave my husband or stay with him purely for the sake of my DC's.

I attempted to get my husband to go to relate with me, and at during one session that he didn't attend, the counsellor asked me a question which make everything so clear to me....

"Whats scarier, the next 20 years with, or without your husband?"

In that instant i knew what i really wanted...hope it helps you too.

If you decide to leave, dont worry about the initial setting up, look to a year down the line and see where you want to be. It will help through the harder days,(and there will be hard days, but there will be good days too
You wont be the first to leave a relationship and you certainly wont be the last.

On the other hand if you decide to stay have you, either on your own or as a couple considered relate? I found it really helpful going on my own even just to hear that i wasn't barmy with my expectations ...
It sounds like you could benefit from something similar.

Hugs during this hard time.

Hi turmoil hugs to you, bless you.
It sounds a terrible way to live your life.

Def don't buy the house, I would't. You're not happy now, but buyig your dream house isn't going to make you happy. It'll just keep you tied in with him.

Your DS having to see you 2 argue all the time isn't good for him either, altho of course you know that already.

Peronally, I put a lot of the blame on the cannabis. It changed my DH, years ago. He kicked the habit for good and is back to being the man I first met. But it's not all that easy getting them see the problem, and agreeing to kick the habit.

ANd what he's doing to you is emotional abuse. He's undermining all your confidence..he's an emotional vampire. That way he gets to keep you to himself, treating you as bad as he feels like in the process.

I think you need to be brave and do some serious thinking. This is not how you should be living. There is someone for everyone out there, I believe. And with MN, you'll never be totally alone. You have friends here.

Good luck, and take care

Hi Turmoil, big hugs to you.

IMO you should leave, because your dp obviously has a problem with cannabis, which isn't good for your son to be around, and doesn't respect you. I also think it is quite worrying that he has been physically abusive.

If you think there is anything in the relationship worth saving, then it could be a temporary separation while you get yourself together and work out what you both want. But I think you really need some time out of this relationship. This most certainly isn't the time to commit to a large house purchase.

You need time to get to grips with your anxiety problem - I formerly suffered badly with panic attacks too - have you tried Prozac? I found it very helpful with the physical symptoms. And you need to rebuild your shattered confidence. I can certainly tell you that other men will want you if you decide to leave dp for good, because you are quite clearly an unselfish person and a caring mother.

Your ds will find an separation hard initially and will miss his friends, but he will adjust and make new friends. Children are very resilient and sometimes much wiser than we give them credit. He must see that mummy is sad and wants her to be happy. He must see that daddy is cross a lot and wants him to be happy too. Two happier separated parents is much better for a child than two miserable parents together.

I also think your dp needs a reality check. It may be that there are genuine reasons behind his behaviour: maybe he has felt powerless to help you with your anxiety and is translating that into agression towards you. However, whatever the best reasons, it is his problem not yours and he needs to realise he is not facing up to the problems in the relationship.

Maybe you'll get back together, maybe you wont. But whilst the unknown is scary, you know that staying put is scary too.

Hope this helps a bit.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words of support.

I thought a lot about some of the postings on here while I was at work. The one which stuck in my head the most was the question Irishmammys counsellor asked her "Whats scarier - another 20 years with or without your husband?". When I was at work I thought about going back to where I feel I belong and for the first time felt a glimmer of excitement. However now I am home the resolve is weakening again. DP is not always a bad person and he can be great but there are many more bad times than good times and I can honestly say sometimes at weekends I prefer it when he is at work. When it is just DS and I, I am more relaxed and we have fun. When he is at home there is an atmosphere and when he does come out with us as a family I feel it is under sufferance and I am always the one to organise family days out. Also the saying is true - it is far worse to feel lonely when you are with someone than when you are genuinely on your own.

He doesn't smoke cannibis in front of DS but he does "skin up" in front of him which I hate and when it is raining he will smoke hanging out of the door rather than properly outside which he knows I hate DS seeing. I do believe he is addicted to it but he always says I knew he smoked it when we met so why should he change now? Well, to be fair yes I did but we never had a ds then so things are different now. As for Relate - I would love to go but he wont even go for anger management so relate will probably be a big no.

God - I have waffled on again. I am really sorry. It would be lovely to hear from anyone else who has been through this too and has come out the other side though.

Thank you all again - I think Mumnset is fab

PS - Fluffy animal - I haven't tried prozac but am on propanolol which is a beta blocker. Does prozac work in the same way?

Good to hear form you again turmoil.

In reference to your comment about loving the idea of relate, go on your own, i did initially, and had five sessions in total, my h only came to one and that was under sufferance.

It really helped me come to terms with the decisions i made and although it wont sway you one way or the other, it enables you to have faith in what you know is true in your heart.

hi turmiol.

i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years,i had 2 children with him.he also used to tell me i was 'mad' and nobody else would want me etc etc,basically he destroyed my self esteem so he could get away with treating me like s**t.

also,whenever i started to make freinds,he would say we 'had' to move for one reason or another.

you say he isnt the cause of your anxiety,but i bet he's making it alot worse,and you would feel so much better without him.whan i was with my x husband(who was also abusive)(yes ive been in 2 abusive realtionships)i used to have panic attacks when i was on my way home,or sometimes just at the thought of going home,but they stopped when the relationship ended.

i think you know that its time to move on from this relationship.it could take months for you to pluck up the courage and find the strength,and it will be hard work,but when its all over and everything has settled down in your life you will feel so much better.

ps-i am now with a lovely man who loves and respects me(and who is 6 years my junior and totally gorgeous),we have 2 children together and he is a brilliant stepdad to my older 3.

good luck x

I have to say that anyone who mocks you for your mental illness can't be a very nice person. No advice as such, but I wanted to let you know that there are a lot of us on here who are going through hard times. Keep posting.

Turmoil, no Prozac is different. Don't know how it works but it does something to the chemical balance in the brain. Why not explore the idea with your GP?

there is some useful info about the different types of anti-depressants here on the mind website

Hey People

Thanks for all your advice. Just a quick update really. I had a chat with dp on tuesday and basically told him I didn't think it is a good idea to buy the house and the reasons why. He still wants it but agrees now is probably not the right time to do so. For now we are going to play it by ear - we will have more money by not going for this house so we are going to try spending some more time together and going on a family holiday to see if things improve. He does now know however that I don't find his outbursts acceptable and that there is a real chance of me walking if they continue to happen.

Right now I am scared for my future and feeling a bit sad about not having the house of my dreams, but am releived I said what I did.

Thanks for all your support. I will let you all know how things are in a few weeks or if they get really bad again.

Sorry to be so brief and therefore blunt but I am vvvvv. busy (supposed to be!)

This is emotional abuse and you MUST NOT allow it to continue.

I've just turned my life around after suffering 5 years of this type of domestic abuse (including some violence) and although it was an awful struggle to get where I am now, my life is on the up.

Don't stay - most of all for your ds.

Sorry no practical advice on leaving although I think you should.
I suffer anxiety and panic attacks and have done so for 13 years. When they began I was in an unhappy, emotionally abusive relationship which I left with nothing after nine years. Immediately my life improved imcluding the anxiety. I was 28 and thought I'd never meet someone else but I was wrong and have a wonderful (though he does piss me off at times!) dh and a beautiful son. I have re-trained am out of debt and have a lovely home. My life is unrecognisable from what it was then and all this has been achieved in the last seven years. You deserve better from life, please go for it!