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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abuse and if it is how do I leave

14 replies

blackheartsgirl · 23/04/2018 01:07

Been together 13 years. Not married

Very aggressive from early on, would fly into rages and smash my windows,doors, my belongings
Once told me if we didn't leave a holiday early he would smash up the hotel room and kill himself
Has gripped me by the throat, pinned me down, twisted my fingers to stop me speaking to family on the phone.
Will steal money all the time, will go through my clothes and bag to find money and then pocket it, has used my cash card to fund fags, going out, has stolen my kids maintenance money then denied it was him. Contact less is a nightmare, he's left me short, I am in debt because of him. I now don't carry a purse or handbag and hide money in my socks and bra.

Told me after 3 months after I lost my dad that I should be over it by now and he was fed up with my crying all the time.

He's horrible to the kids.

The violence has stopped, but he can still get very moody. He works but I am left to do everything round the house as he refuses to do anything..I also work full time. He plays xbox constantly, or sits and watches netflix or youtube constantly. He brings nothing to our lives,

I need to leave but he's quite unstable. He also has nowhere to go..No friends or family.

The house is mine, it's my name on tenancy, I made very sure of that much to his resentment.

My finances and paper work are in a terrible mess, I also do not want to leave my job but I will struggle to get my youngest 2 kids to school in the morning as he does the school runs

How do I get my ducks in a row first, I need to sort my money out and my debt but I can't do this much longer.

I am never alone in the house. I don't want him to get suspicious

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2018 01:13

Hell yes he's abusive!

What do you have in terms of family or friends, anyone? You need to tell them first what you're planning. If you have no one, then that's a little bit harder but maybe call Women's Aid for advice.

So sorry you're in this situation :( Thanks

FeckTheMagicDragon · 23/04/2018 01:13

It’s one step at a time. Knowing you need to get out of the relationship is the first one. He sounds awful. In this situation you are at an advantage that you are not married and the tenancy is in your name. Like you said, sort out your finances. ‘Lose’ your cards. Do you have joint finances? Do you have any children together? How old are the kids? Doing the school run is a practical problem that may need some figuring out, but it’s not worth staying in a relationship where you are miserable. Email women’s aid and tell them everything- including that you are never alone in the house. Say nothing to him until you are ready.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 23/04/2018 01:15

And the fact he has nowhere to go is NOT your problem. Disengage emotionally.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2018 01:15

Also, talk to your boss at work and explain the situation re. getting him out and the school runs - ask for some flexibility for a short while until you get everything sorted.

I'm assuming he is not the father of your DC, since you said he spent your maintenance money?

blackheartsgirl · 23/04/2018 01:22

Thank you. I have 4 dc, two older ones who aren't his..18 and 15 and a 10 and 7 year old that are his. No joint finances thankfully.

My mum knows what he is like and knows I want to get out of this relationship. My older children will help me as much as they can.

Work is the only thing that gives me an escape. And walking a lot (which he's doing his best to stop)

OP posts:
blackheartsgirl · 23/04/2018 01:25

I have already asked for flexible time back in November to have every Fri off so I can't ask again although I am going to see if there's something else they can do.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2018 01:43

What does your 18yo do? College, or work, or at home? Can they help out with school runs at all?

Definitely talk to your boss, and your mum, and any friends you've managed to retain - the more you put it out there, the more chance you have of finding people able and willing to help you.

blackheartsgirl · 23/04/2018 01:53

My 18 year old has left home and is expecting a baby with his gf in august so will be unable to help with school runs. My 15 year old can't help either. Both will help in other ways thoigh

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2018 01:57

Any other school mums that live nearby you could work something out with?

In the meantime, Women's Aid. He is very abusive and having gripped you by the throat is very dangerous. Do not underestimate how dangerous once you break up.

blackheartsgirl · 23/04/2018 17:44

I think I've just minimised how nasty he can be over the years. He doesn't and has never hit me or sexually assaulted me so I just thought how can it be abuse.

I will contact women's aid

OP posts:
Adora10 · 23/04/2018 17:49

I am honestly in shock that you even have to ask, your poor children, what a miserable and unfair life they have to suffer.

How it be abuse, because it's mainly emotional abuse of you and your children, does it have to be beatings too?

I think you need to go to CAB, tell as many folk as possible your horrible living situation and take as much help and support as you possibly can, you also need counselling as to why you think it's ok to stay with a person that does these things, I am honestly in shock at how this has become your norm, it's far from normal OP, I really hope you get the strength to get away from him.

Sally2791 · 23/04/2018 17:51

So sorry for you yes this is undoubtedly abuse. Womens aid will help you but definitely make a plan without him knowing ANYTHING because it could trigger physical abuse if he feels threatened. Best of luck. Do not stay with this horrible person

blackheartsgirl · 23/04/2018 22:15

My friend in work has been lovely. She knows a lot of what has happened over the years.

I honestly don't love hI'm anymore. After the way he treated me after my op last year really opened my eyes. Making me do the washing up with one hand and the washing a few days after my hand op because I was basically a burden and he was too tired.

I just feel so exhausted and don't know where to start with my paperwork, I've buried my head in the sand for years with the debt

OP posts:
whatshappening1 · 23/04/2018 22:20

Yes that's an abusive situation you need to leave now and take the kids with you, if you have a joint account empty and get out of there, you can try and get the house back later on, have a look into emotional abuse it might be against the law I’m sure there is a new law coming in soon f it hasn't already come in

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