Only fall in love with emotionally unavailable men

[sunsetheaven]

Fallen in love only 2-3 times in my life. Plenty of long term relationships where I didn't fall in love though.

I seem to fall in love with emotionally unavailable men. And I can't seem to stop or understand why.

Anyone else the same?

Any advice/tips?

What was your dad like? Do you have a reason for holding back and therefore choose non starters unconsciously?

Do you ascertain what kind of relationship they want before you get too involved.

Sally2791 Fine relationship with Dad. I do hold back and fear intimacy. I am a commitment phobe I guess. I didn't want to commit to the stable, lovely men I was in long term relationships with. I just want the ones I can't have more...and it drives me mad. I wish I wasn't like this.

SandyY2K First one was my bf actually and was crazy about me too, but in the end, he wasn't actually available and left. 10 years on, he's still going back and forth between women. Second one, I dated him for a year, and he was wishy washy. He did up marrying one of my past friends - so I think she preserved with him. Last one, ended things yesterday - I think he has feelings, but doesn't see a future.

I didn't want to commit to the stable, lovely men I was in long term relationships with. I just want the ones I can't have more

It's ok to want to commit to the emotionally unavailable ones because you know deep down that they are never going to want to commit to you, so you're safe to fall for them in the knowledge that nothing will ever happen. You don't want to commit to the stable, lovely ones because they will commit back and that is scary.

So you either start every relationship by letting them know that you don't want anything serious or long term, or you sort yourself out some counselling and try and fix yourself without sabotaging every good relationship that comes along. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do but it is worth it.

Are your parents divorced?

Do you actually want a fully committed relationship? What do you think the benefits would be, versus the drawbacks?

It's all a bit of a gamble though, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself OP.

It isn't always easy to tell (until later down the line) if the person is just being cautious and holding back as a natural response to protecting oneself in the early days, versus 'full-on never get too involved' stay aloof type of person. It takes time to realise that, people aren't always easy to read.

There's no right or wrong in it, but maybe try to be more receptive rather than writing someone off. Sounds like you get to the point where the person signals to you they want to commit, and that puts you off, because they've become too available. The thrill of the chase can get tedious after a while and you could be walking away from someone who's right for you if only you gave it a chance.

I read a great article I think it was on Baggage Reclaim, that basically said, commitment phobes choose other commitment phobes, either knowingly or subconsciously but the fact is subliminally, you both know its going nowhere and you know you'll one or both of you will pretend to be pushing for it, confident in the knowledge it will never happen. This was me until I met dh who on the face of it seemed a commitment phobe too just like me but we're both really happily settled.

Are you emotionally available yourself? If you are not willing to open up and be intimate then you will keep choosing people who are unavailable