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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know what to do

22 replies

hpttobb · 22/04/2018 21:50

I need advice/opinions/support please. It's a sensitive and I'm really scared about posting.

Been with DP for nearly 10 years and we have a 1yo.

Last weekend we went out for the evening, came home went to bed. He didn't try anything on so I just went to sleep. I woke up at about 1.30 to him putting his fingers in me whilst I was asleep and he was masturbating.

I went mad, he apologised and he went and slept on the sofa. We haven't actually spoken about it since, apart from me telling him it's not just been forgotten about.

I just feel like complete shit about it all, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:52

I couldn’t get past that.

Sally2791 · 22/04/2018 22:37

Yuk that is not ok. I have no expert advice to offer but I wouldn't tolerate that

Cricrichan · 22/04/2018 22:40

Some women would enjoy that but now that you've made it clear you didn't, as long as he didn't try it again it should be ok.

However, how is your relationship otherwise? You've been together a long time.

thefourgp · 22/04/2018 22:43

You didn’t consent. It’s sexual assault.

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 22:45

Some women would enjoy that but now that you've made it clear you didn't, as long as he didn't try it again it should be ok.

Not without previous discussion. Are you for real!?

Iflyaway · 22/04/2018 22:55

That is so creepy.....

You should be able to relax in your own home and bed without your partner sexually assaulting you in the night while asleep.

So sorry for you.

Iflyaway · 22/04/2018 22:58

as long as he didn't try it again it should be ok

WTF?!

Anything not agreed to IS NOT O.K.!!

Moominfan · 22/04/2018 22:58

Some women would enjoy that but now that you've made it clear you didn't, as long as he didn't try it again it should be ok.

I'm assuming this has come accross wrong. So in some relationships this is considered ok discussed prior not afterwards.

Anywho op sorry I don't mean to derail your thread. Please be kind to yourself and feel all your feelings. What happened was done without your consent.

TooTrueToBeGood · 22/04/2018 23:02

Some women would enjoy that

Seriously, wtf drugs are you on? It is as clear cut a case of sexual assault as you can get. The only reason it isn't rape is because it was fingers and not a penis but that is more a flaw in law than anything else.

TooTrueToBeGood · 22/04/2018 23:05

To the OP, I really think you need to speak to someone qualified to help you clear your thoughts on what has happened to you. Please consider speaking to rape crisis or a similar organisation.

Cricrichan · 22/04/2018 23:11

That's my opinion but it seems that everybody else thinks it's completely wrong. I've never discussed what I'm happy and not ahppy with sexually with whoever I'm with, we've both tried stuff and gotten to know what we've liked and what we haven't.

Maybe my boundaries are screwed though..

JazzyJelly · 22/04/2018 23:11

I know how difficult this must be to realise this behaviour doesn't tally with the man you thought you knew. Do you have a female friend or sister you can talk to in person? I know I was grasping for straws to try to save my relationship but what really helped was talking it through with someone who loves me and has higher standards for me than I did. Made me realise I would be telling my sister to leave anyone who did this to her, so I shouldn't put up with it myself.

Katieemilyxo · 22/04/2018 23:13

In a previous relationship I was with somebody who did something very similar to me but he actually had slept with me while I was asleep.. I woke up to him ontop of me and was only together a couple years I forgave him stupidly and the relationship didn't end well.. no one no matter how long you've been together should be touching you without consent and it's creepy and sometimes makes you worry if there ok mentally I would talk to him and ask what made him behave that way and try get to the bottom of it if not I would have to leave him I wish I did with my partner as I realised after I left that he had done it on more than one occasion I just didn't know..

Original poster

hpttobb · 22/04/2018 23:35

I don't really have anyone to talk to I have no siblings or close friends. Ive been pushing it all to the back of my mind and not thinking about it but now I just can't stop crying.

Tbh our relationship isn't that great, He has a habit of getting annoyed at me if we don't have sex for over a week, he doesn't admit it but it's there, barely speaks to me, isn't affectionate etc..

OP posts:

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 22/04/2018 23:45

You've been together 10 yrs. You have a 1 yr old daughter. My guess is he is frustrated after a long time just being the two of you.
Ok, it isn't great but I think you can have a reasonable conversation about it. Explain that it's not on. It might open the floodgates to how he is feeling about having a baby to share you with.
I don't think it's too weird tbh.

Katieemilyxo · 23/04/2018 08:21

He sounds exactly like one of my ex's and he turned out to be the most toxic man I had ever met would make me feel bad for not sleeping with him 24/7 and at the same time are son was about 6 months old and I was always just exhausted from looking after him while he would just sit there... Dont sit there unhappy hun if you love him and think you can fix it talk to him but if you have that gut feeling to go..then follow it x

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 09:38

I don't think it's too weird tbh.

I can’t believe there are people downplaying this. Can we just back up a minute... would anyone anywhere ever think it is ok for a woman to put her fingers in a mans a*hole while he slept?!

I bloody despair!

Op it is not ok. He is counting on you being too embarrassed to site this as a reason for leaving him because it feels humiliating. HE is the only person here who should feel ashamed, you did nothing wrong.

*without prior consent for the pernickety

Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/04/2018 09:41

Tootrue - you don't need to use a penis for it to be classed as rape.

user1483387154 · 23/04/2018 09:42

I would leave over that

Adora10 · 23/04/2018 13:27

So he thinks it's fine to sexually assault you in your sleep, what an utter cunt and revolting person.

I actually am in shock at some of the responses; I mean the man is getting off on the fact she's basically unconscious, yeah, totally normal OP, maybe next time you will wake up with your arse up in the air.

Get a grip people, this is not right at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2018 13:31

That is not okay at all.

You were asleep and defenceless and he used you like a toy.

That’s disgusting.

From your update, it’s not a happy relationship and you could do so much better.

It’s okay to end the relationship if you don’t feel safe or happy.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/04/2018 16:56

AprilMightBe - according to the Sexual Offenses Act it does.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-2-sexual-offences-act-2003-principal-offences-and

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