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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s destroying me

11 replies

HollyHunter18 · 22/04/2018 21:10

I feel Like I have nothing left. He can’t even let me say I have given him our two beautiful children - he has to say “ I gave them to you as much as you gave them to me!”. I tell him I carried them for 9 months went through 2 c sections the first followed by septicaemia and breastfed both ( youngest still a baby) and he says “ so what was I just a sperm donor then”? He mocks my crying, he tells me to “ go and think about what I’ve said” like I’m a child. He lavishes affection on the children which is great but he does it even more when he’s really upset me and freezing me out. He acts the perfect father to make it more painful for me. I’m so depressed and I don’t know why he hates me so much.

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 22/04/2018 21:14

No one should ever stay with someone who makes them feel that way.

I'm sorry, I don't have any other advice, but I'm sure someone wiser than me will come along

Sending good thoughts Flowers

Luckingfovely · 22/04/2018 21:21

You are depressed because you are married to an abusive cunt.

There really is no way around that.

You cannot possibly be considering bring children up in this atmosphere? You need to start getting your ducks in a row, to use correct mn terms, and leave. You will be far happier on your own than like this. And you will meet someone else one day and be happy. And yes, you can do this.

Luckingfovely · 22/04/2018 21:22

A good place to start is this thread:

Right, listen up everybody.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

bluebell34567 · 22/04/2018 21:28

you sound tired and he isn't supporting you well, it seems.

Original poster
HollyHunter18 · 22/04/2018 21:33

I feel like he’s dangerous to me psychologically. He makes me want to hurt myself after talking to him - it’s so distresssing.

OP posts:
something2say · 22/04/2018 21:37

Get your head together away from him my love. Get your perspective straight. The thing is, everyone has stuff like this right, moments in relationships where you're at cross purposes. But there's no way in a million years I'd tread someone I LOVE the way he treats you. He could be a lot kinder if he has anything to say. The fact that he says it this way and treats you this way, and you feel like you're going mad and getting twisted in circles means something is going very wrong and all my money is on.....it being him.

This, minimise contact and let what he says be water off a ducks back. Strengthen from outsid, using other people. And, what of your future with him? If you leave, remember to minimise all contact with him whole it's being sorted x in every way possible x

SandyY2K · 22/04/2018 21:39

Stop engaging with him and focus on your children while you decide what you want to do.

Telling him you carried them or trying to say you gave him beautiful children won't work. You needed each other to have those children.

Think about what you want long term and think how to get there. Start planning. This man clearly doesn't make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness.

Greenyogagirl · 22/04/2018 21:39

Get out, is there family or friends who you can stay with?

couchtospecialk · 22/04/2018 21:57

Hollyhunter... I couldn't not post. I've recently left a relationship where there was a similar dynamic (currently divorcing my husband). I could have written your words a few years ago. Hindsight is a beautiful thing but I look back and realise just how abusive it was. It's only now that I'm not with him that I realise how I felt about myself WAS BECAUSE OF HIM and the way he treated me. It's been surprise and a relief to realise that in fact, there's nothing wrong with me at all.

You have 2 young children, your body has suffered traumas and you need support from your partner. Even if you don't feel it you are in a vulnerable position right now.... don't let him beat you down mentally. Because this is what he's doing and you've described an abusive cycle.

If you can salvage it then do... goodness knows separation (my girls are 8&6) is awful and there is so much out there that can help you if you're both willing to work at it. Having said that, if that doesn't work, living in a abusive relationship (and modelling this kind of relationsip to your babies) is never ok.

Best of luck to you and lots of love xx And P.S. don't forget that you're amazing, you've produced and nourished 2 human beings WITH YOUR BODY and you're doing great xxx

Onemansoapopera · 23/04/2018 10:49

Scoring points is a horrible place to be in a relationship.

Whether its truly abusive or not when its being done by both parties , is irrelevant. You're really unhappy and there is no gun to your head - act to end it.

Adora10 · 23/04/2018 13:29

You will find your depression lifts once you get rid of this nasty piece of scum; you are also allowing your kids to grow up in an abusive household, what the hell are you staying for?

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