New relationship, can’t stop thinking about ex

[User1405]

I don’t know where else I can vent. I’ve been in a new relationship for just over a year and a half, I’m 6 months pregnant due to failed contraception but dp had always wanted children, I already have one dc to my ex partner. They are completely two different people and perhaps that’s why I am with my new dp! My ex it was a horrible relationship, I believe we both loved each other but he was a gambler and it ruined me. Completely. I tried so hard to help him in every sense, got myself into debt, took him to meetings, supported him every inch of the way while he stole and lied his way thru our relationship to point he made me feel I was losing my mind, I lost all confidence, I questioned myself constantly as he would swear blind he was telling the truth. I tried on and off for about 4 years after dc was born and last time I told him this was it and he promised it was time and he was ready to give it all, 6 months later I was tore apart again, I was ruined with anxiety and possible depression and it turned out I was right again and he was gambling so I told him to leave and I promised for my dcs sake that would be it for good. I think he always thought we’d get back at some point, 2 and half years later I met current dp who is absolute opposite, he has a good job, very good with money, organised, honest, plans for our future so why do I keep thinking about my ex! Dp is so serious and my ex made me laugh, he was affectionate whereas dp doesn’t show much affection but I know he cares by way he looks after me and the things he does, he’s just not an overly affectionate person! I get so guilty my son won’t have his dad again and I feel I’m forcing this family on him and wish I didn’t have to! I’m full of anxiety constantly worrying how he and dp will mesh together as it hasn’t been easy and I keep thinking myself and ex got along so much mor me naturally but I know in my head i couldn’t have been in that relationship again for me or Dcs sake! I don’t know what I’m trying to ask! I’m just torturing myself and needed to let it out somehow

simple my lovely. You love your ex and the relationship ended only when the gambling ruined you. You wisely realised that the relationship was making you unwell and eventually felt able to end it. New partner is not who you love, doesn't do anything wrong at all, but he's not your ex and never will be. Best option is to be on your own which will give you time to recover from the sad end to your relationship and make you strong again..

Thank you so much for replying even though i know I probably made no sense at all. Sometimes I feel like I do love DP but then he says or does something and I feel myself drifting back to thinking how much happier I’d be if only I had this with my ex! But that was never and will never be an option. Now I have a chance of having a stable future so why can’t I enjoy it. He’s just so very different and I keep hoping it will change. I think a lot of it is the love I see between my ex and my son and I wish we had that family unit and it wasn’t so difficult but then I need to remind myself he isn’t this perfect person I like to remember and he made me very ill and still isn’t on track despite losing us. I spent many years away from him and thought I had moved on but I think it was mainly mind over matter and convincing myself there was no going back and trying to power through which I did and I have taking care of dc for 8 years on my own. I’m painting this perfect picture in my head and torturing myself with it when the reality was lies and deceit. I just don’t want dc feeling awkward in this situation but I don’t know if the problem is more in my head than with dc.

I'd imagine that you have an awful lot going on in your head and for you to post your worries on here means that it's all a bit much. Trouble is, when you connect with somebody the way that you did with your ex, it's tricky to put a line under it and move on. Yes there were good times, and yes, the bad times outweighed them - but you can't change the connection that you had with him. It sounds as though your thoughts have taken over. I wonder, is this because you are unhappy with your current partner, or truly miss your ex? You clearly had a tough time with him but are still thinking of him. Perhaps it was perfect at times, but to be fair, he screwed up, a lot, and that damaged your health. If he wasn't able to sort himself out, even with your help, then you did your best and there comes a time, as you realised - that it has to end. Try not to compare your DP with your ex. He is his own person, this is a different type of relationship. You will never have a relationship that is the same as you had with your ex. Maybe telling yourself that will help?

I do, I still have a lot of anxiety and I overthink so much. Just sometimes I feel my dp is such hard work. He’s not as easy going, things just don’t flow like they did with my ex but I perhaps create problems and think he must not be enjoying relationship too but maybe that’s my anxiety too! He reassures me and tells me if he wasn’t happy he would let me know which I am sure he would, he’s very straight forward and will say exactly what he thinks, a little too much to be honest! Closer I am coming to dc being born maybe my head is in over drive wondering how I can make a family unit and if it’s right etc.
Thank you. That does make sense and it is something I need to remind myself when I am feeling like this. I could have never went back there and dp is not my ex and never will be but he is a good person in his ways, just very different from what I am used to. I shouldn’t compare things.

Maybe your DP isn't all that. I mean, he's not a gambler and he's got a job and some savings. But that describes most people, really.

You describe him as brutally honest, not easy-going, and the relationship doesn't "flow".

I hate to say this when you're pregnant, but could your new DP actually not be the right person either?

This is what I’m worried about. I don’t mean he’s all that cause he has a job etc I was just pointing out he’s different in those senses n perhaps that’s why I was attracted to relationship, not for money or anything as that’s not me at all, always been independent but the way he is sensible and organised as opposed to the madness I had lived and couldn’t rely on anything with my ex in any sense! When I say he’s not easy going again I don’t know if I’m anxious about the relationship which makes me feel pressure that isn’t actually there? I’m probably not making sense as I don’t know how to describe it myself. Maybes he’s not right for me, I do take that on board. This is what I’m scared of as I thought he was before although I still wouldnt have jumped in this quickly but I’m trying my hardest for babys sake. It’s not DPs fault either, I’m no doubt a bit damaged and cautious after past relationships. I was hoping it would fall into place... sometimes I feel happy others I feel worried and comparing things. All I can do is wait it out I guess

I do have to say that isn’t all he has going for him, he’s got a job, he’s sensible, he has same values as me, he plans for our future, he thinks of me where I’ve not been put first before, he’s open and honest and I trust him completely. This might not seem a lot but having been in a relationship with my ex all of these things mean a lot to me. I didn’t think id trust anyone again and here I am with someone I do not doubt at all. I feel like I’ve maybe pointed out all the negative which is something I tend to do

I can totally see why you'd be attracted to safety, security and reliability this time around!

When I say he’s not easy going again I don’t know if I’m anxious about the relationship which makes me feel pressure that isn’t actually there?

Do you ever talk to him about your pressures? I'm very like you in the sense that I worry about things (most of which I've completely invented). But the lovely thing about my DH is that I can tell him all those concerns and he very calmly just shoots them down (if they're bonkers) or reassures me. Could you do that with your DP?

You loved your ex and it didn’t end because you fell out of love with him, therein lies the problem. If a relationship breaks down because the love disappears, you drift apart or even if there’s someone else involved, it is slightly easier to accept and move on than if you both love each other but for one reason or another, there’s an incompatibility or difficulty that has driven you apart. In this instance his addiction drove you apart and made you unwell so you made the strongest and best decision to leave. You were also separated for two years before you met your current DP so if your ex wanted to change and prove that change to you, he had plenty of time and I think that is something you really need to remember.

I also think there’s an element of the old rose tinted specs going on here. You are thinking back to fond memories of your ex when your DP does something you dislike but why not remember all the horrendous things your ex did instead? I mean, that is what I would personally do if I found myself thinking of my ex in too fondly. Just remind yourself of why you had to leave and the stress he caused you.

You probably don’t love your DP or you don’t love him in the same way you loved your ex and that’s why this is so tough but I wouldn’t advocate leaving a perfectly lovely man whilst you’re pregnant with his child (it may also be the hormones, if these doubts have begun since you got pregnant...) I personally think you need to spend more time reminding yourself of why you left your ex and start looking forwards rather than back.

WhatsGoingOnEh - I try not to bring it up too much as I don’t want him dealing with me being absolutely crazy through things that he hasn’t caused if that makes sense. If I do feel I need to I will say and he will be like seriously? And explain he wouldn’t be there if he didn’t want or wasn’t happy etc. Today I had made up something completely bonkers in my head and I said to him and he explained and proved me completely wrong and reassured me which was lovely! If that was my ex it would have been brushed under carpet and ignored and just believe me or don’t (more than likely because he was lying)! It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one who overthinks or worries and thank you for taking the time to reply

Mousefunky - thanks so much for that reply. A lot of it really hit home. I think a lot of it is because it wasnt I fell out of love but could not live like that any longer, mainly for dc’s sake and of course my own health! My friends see such a change in me compared to then. I was a shell and so on edge and unhappy. And yes this is what I’ve told myself, I gave him best part of 5 years and one more real chance of changing within in our family home and he messed it up again and then a further two years apart where he did nothing so I knew it would never change and I am getting older and wasting my life waiting on someone who didn’t see me or dc as a priority! Yes he has an illness but in my eyes at some point u need to overcome that if u want something enough and 7 years of gambling and saying he loved us and promises only to break them every time, I couldn’t keep waiting on promises never fulfilled.

I almost know myself I am wearing rose tinted specs and I do bring myself bk to reality with it in making myself remember all the times I sat up sick to my stomach wondering what nightmare I was coming home to or every pay day him not coming home till he blew everything in the bookies and the lies which was the worst of all as it made me doubt my own mind and feelings. I seem to think bk to this easy going person who loved me but did he?? Maybe he was easy going cause he was living in my house while I took care of everything and he messed everything up. I do tend to think of the nice things when something silly happens with dp that maybe isn’t to my liking, you are right.

Maybe I don't love him in the way I hoped or maybe I’m incapable of being in love again. Maybe it’ll fall into place one day. I think my problem is my child isn’t his and I worry and stress this connection will never come and to me dc comes before anything and always will so it hurts me to not have that natural family. There’s times I think I really do love him, maybe I need to ease the pressure and take all this advice on board and stop comparing. With respects to it may be hormones etc as I’ve said I think I do suffer from anxiety... I’ve never got any help for this, I fear change n I get flustered and panicky at the prospect of change to point I just want to throw it all away and stay just me and dc because it’s easier so I think fact I’m pregnant and we r going to need to move House and move in together etc adds to it? I’m completely panicking this isn’t going to be right etc.

I wouldn’t leave him just now, he hasn’t done anything to make me leave and I need to give this a chance. You are right. I do need to remind myself why I’m here and look forwards. Maybe things aren’t perfect but I need to give this a chance and look to the future and if it goes wrong it goes wrong. Thank you

I fear change n I get flustered and panicky at the prospect of change to point I just want to throw it all away and stay just me and dc because it’s easier

If it's any consolation, I'm EXACTLY the same.

Sometimes we can’t be with the one person we love and have to make a future for ourselves away from them. You have been so brave in making your choice. Unfortunately you don’t love this new man. He is a good man and is stable and you are with him because he isn’t doing anything wrong. It isn’t fair to him. Do you think feelings will grow/change? Because if not the best thing is to move on again.
I don’t want to sound harsh because I understand as right now I am missing my ex with a good man wanting to be there for me. I have to let them both go.

WhatsGoingOnEh - although I’m not pleased u feel like this too it for sure helps to know I’m not the only one as sometimes I just can’t understand why I am like this

Dimael - I’m hoping these feelings grow for sure! I’m hoping him and dc build more of a relationship and I start to relax more and I’m hoping maybe when I have baby I’ll see a different side to him too. Maybe I won’t, and in which case yes I’ll deal with that if it felt the end as I don’t want to waste his or my own time for sure. I know that isn’t fair. All of this being said I don’t think he feels unloved or anything, he knows I appreciate everything he does etc and am “happy” so I don’t think he’s feeling stuck in any way but for sure I wouldn’t waste his time if things don’t grow sooner rather than later. Not harsh at all. These are things and opinions I need to hear and I appreciate them