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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this controlling or justified?

11 replies

Neveragain12 · 22/04/2018 09:39

So my dh broke off our engagement 3 years ago to go back to his ex... two days after that happened, he took her swimming at the gym they are both members of...

Fast forward today... he's started taking his kids there and I have a massive problem as she is a member so very high possibility that he will bump into her... I have asked him to not go there but to one of the two other pools nearby.

Should he see this as basic respe t for his wife and the fact that that is a very hurtful memory and that he could bump into her..?.

Or am I being controlling?

OP posts:

Original poster

Neveragain12 · 22/04/2018 09:40

I should add that after 2 weeks "deciding which one" he wanted, he came crawling back to me... I took him back obviously.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 22/04/2018 09:50

Are you worried he might go off with her again ? It's not obvious why you let him even have a choice. If my partner did that he'd be gone.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/04/2018 09:55

I guess the only unreasonable bit is expecting respect from someone who has shown so little respect for you in the past.

He should be more sensitive to this, but I suspect he will make it your problem that you don’t trust him or feel uncomfortable about him going somewhere he went with his ex. However, he probably also took her to various restaurants or to Tesco so I imagine that there’s a chance he could bump into her wherever he goes.

Original poster

Neveragain12 · 22/04/2018 10:08

Yes he has totally said it's all my fault... yes your right about Tesco exotic but this is a small gym where she is a member and on a weekend highly likely they'll be there at the same time so it dies make me uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Psychobabble123 · 22/04/2018 10:09

No I see it as controlling, sorry. You can't tell him where he can and can't go.

If you are this stressed about him bumping into her, I'd say the trust in your relationship is gone and I would end it for your sake. Do you want to feel suspicious and paranoid for the next however many years??

SlowlyShrinking · 22/04/2018 10:11

If he didn’t want to see her, he wouldn’t be going there, sorry

SoapOnARoap · 22/04/2018 12:34

Very controlling.

The real issue, is your lack of trust

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/04/2018 15:24

Although your lack of trust may be because he is untrustworthy.

PrizeOik · 22/04/2018 15:49

The pool isn't really the problem though is it? It's that you are aware that the relationship isn't secure.

Don't make this about the pool.

Folk don't start to love and respect you due to the rules you put in place to force them to. You can't legislate morality, as the saying goes.

You don't feel safe with him. Because you aren't.

What do you want to do?

Original poster

Neveragain12 · 22/04/2018 16:06

Yes you're right. It IS the trust issue and it IS because he is untrustworthy and has basically lied and cheated and rejected me since we met in one way or another....

OP posts:

LML83 · 22/04/2018 16:12

yanbu. After you were good enough to take him back after his nonsense he should be keen not to remind you or draw attention to that time. He should deliberately avoid that pool without being asked, he should be embarrassed he never realises and do what you ask.

It's not controlling it's a courtesy to you and his behaviour is unreasonable.

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