Help me help DH

[Flippetydip]

Not sure this is the right place to post but not sure where else to.

DH is suffering severely from insomnia. He gets this intermittently since a mental breakdown he had 9 years ago. This time it seems to be getting worse. I fear he's on the verge of another breakdown if he can't get the sleeping under control.

He's fit, healthy, doesn't drink alcohol, doesn't drink caffeine, he has a job that he enjoys that is relatively low stress. I am the main breadwinner and he works part-time. We have two children 9 and 7, who are great. He does a lot of the childcare and I work away one or two nights a week, three out of every four weeks or there about. We are comfortably well off, everyone's in good health. We have an ideal life. I don't know how to lesson his load anymore. He's says he's not stressed and that he is happy with life but he just can't sleep. Rather randomly the first night of sleeplessness this time round (2 weeks ago) was caused by him watching porn (which he never usually does) and then feeling horrendously guilty about it. I'm not sure why he has such a heightened guilt complex.

He went to see a hypnotherapist yesterday and she gave him a CD to listen to at night. Last night, he didn't sleep at all. So he now feels that has made it worse and doesn't feel he can use that. I'm hopeful he'll go and see his GP this week but what can I do to help? I've offered to cancel going away for work this week but he says no. I would be very grateful for any tips.

I found Valerian tablets helped me and I also take CBD oil for my anxiety which can be quite bad as I have had two breakdowns in the last 10 years.

Try the Valerian tablets first if you are interested in the CBD oil there is a page on facebook that helped me find the right CBD oil for me without breaking the bank called Simply-CBD users support.

Hope it helps.

For the long term he could try a high dose of magnesium. Took a couple of months and then I realised my insomnia which could last weeks became a one night's bad sleep kinda thing. Guilt can be a manifestation of anxiety, and the quick judgement on the CD could also be an anxiety issue.

Thanks both, I will try those suggestions. I think you're right about it being anxiety. I have no idea how to help him with that though.

I do think there's a large amount of "performance anxiety" about insomnia. If you're worried about having a crap night's sleep, then you're almost guaranteed to get one.

Do you go to bed at the same time? Would it help if he went to bed first and you followed once he was asleep, or you went to sleep first and he followed later?

Has he tried having a wank (or a shag if you're up for it) at bedtime to kick off those sleep-inducing hormones?

What about watching soothing videos or listening to calming audios on his phone/tablet/laptop whilst going to sleep?

I can recommend Valerian tea as a bedtime drink (if you have a cat make sure you dump the teabag BEFORE going to bed as it has a similar attraction to catnip!) and I have found 5-HTP tablets useful in the past.

If his problem is waking in the night rather than falling asleep, I've found it helpful to either say positive affirmations to myself ("Everyone I love is safe. My cat is fine, my rats are fine, my son is fine, my sister is fine. I am having irrational thoughts but that's okay.") or I listen to audios on my phone to help me relax. I use "Stop, Breathe, Think" as a general meditation app, and I have paid for Glenn Harold's "Relax and Sleep Well" recording. The basic app is free so he can try it first and see if he likes it.

Good luck to you and DH, anxiety-induced insomnia is an absolute bitch and I would not wish it on anyone.

A couple of things recommended to my son who suffers from anxiety and struggles with sleep are magnesium oil and a dream pillow, suggest you google it as its a long winded explanation, both of which are superb and have helped massively.

Has he got a therapist for the anxiety? He probably should see someone about that underlying issue.

Sleep hygiene?
Sleep clinic?

I had unremitting horrendous insomnia from the age of 25 to 40. It was caused by long distance flights for my job when l was in my early 20’s. l would lose track of time zones etc, and had awful jet lag.

Anyway, l had a miscarriage at 40. I was very depressed after, and was put on in an anti depressant called amitryptilene as this was the safest in case k wanted to get pregnant again.

I’m 54 now, and sleep really well every night. The change was unbelievable. Trazadone and mirtazapine are also good for getting your kip.

Hi OP. I'm really sorry to hear of your DH problem. I'm a fellow recovered insomniac and I hope can offer some advice. First thing to curing insomnia is to not care about lack or no sleep. I know this sounds crackers but it's true. The harder your DH pursues sleep, the more it will evade him. Starting tonight, the best thing he can do is just aim to get physical rest in bed...staying in bed, just resting. He needs to mentally accept that sleep may not come. Forget tablets ....none work long term.
I can point very confidently to 2 invaluable resources that will help your DH regain his ability to sleep.

1. Dr Guy Meadows - Good SLeep Guide from Amazon
2. Sleepio - online resource course for insomnia, works for lots of people.

Please try these things ....they are extremely good! Tell him not to despair, this problem is entirely maneageable.

It might sound a bit daft , but could he try not to sleep. I lay there with my eyes open and try and keep them open, next thing I know , it's morning. Hope he gets something that works for him .

The trick to overcoming insomnia is to restore the confidence to self belief in going to sleep. That has broken. With medication, whilst these offer a quick short term solution, eventually they can fail and so the self belief or 'panic' that typifies insomnia just deepens along with depression. I would personally urge (from experience first hand) against going down that route. Do try Guy Meadows and Sleepio.

If he's struggling with a racing heart or brain chatter .....he just needs to emotionally distance and accept these things. Accept they just happen, they're annoying, but in themselves cannot hurt.
Please feel free to PM me if needed. Good luck

A few other more practical tips are

1. Avoid emotional chats in the eve....finances etc. Action movies!
2. Exercise is great, esp an evening walk.
3. Separate ideally wool filled light weight duvet on the bed, so he can toss and turn to his hearts content and not worry about keeping anyone else awake

Worth seeing a GP as some health conditions have insomnia as a symptom.

Phenergan, old fashioned hay fever is excellent sleep aid and is now sold over tge counter.

It needs to be takwn early in the evening as does cause drowiness.

My tablets worked long term. 14 years worth of long term! They are not sleeping pills though. Lie dose anti depressants are often used to treat long term insomnia

Thank you so much everyone. I will let him know about these suggestions. He's going to the GP today. He's getting very depressed about it. Last time he went on anti-depressants - I think we're getting to that stage again.

I do appreciate you taking the time to answer.

I also second CBD oil. Insomnia sucks hope he improves soon.

Just one more thought OP might be to have a chat around the whole work / family balance. Some people (women as well as men) struggle with not being the main breadwinner. I just wonder if there's an esteem thing going on there that's fuelling the anxiety? I'm self employed and a SAHM and often have to nudge DH and the teenage DC's for words of appreciation and respect. It's easy to feel under valued if only in your mind.
As for the porn, well yes, I can imagine strong images last thing at night are not the best for a restful nights sleep!

Interesting concept about the esteem thing. He swears not - we have talked about it - but it may be. I do always ensure he knows he's brilliant at what he does with the kids, which he is to be fair. I'm very lucky, he's an incredible man. I just wish he felt a bit better.

Even though work / child caring ideas have moved on....there can still be a lot of pressure on men (esp around a school yard) to come across as the big I AM.