AIBU to accept that I simply dislike my sister?

[TheGrumpySquirrel]

Really tough one. Long. Will try not to drip feed.

Sister is the youngest of 3 of us. Always been attention seeking, but got a lot worse after drama school, where I think they basically inflate your ego to help you cope with all the constant rejection in the industry (understandable) and you also surround yourself with "yes men" who also have this ego problem so my sister and her friends just talk AT each other (about themselves basically and how wonderful they are).

Outside of this circle, she's not easy to get on with - dominates conversation, doesn't listen, interrupts, calls everyone unsolicited pet names, thinks her life is the most interesting thing and everyone will want to hear about it. It's not just me - my DH, friends, our brother, and her ex-boyfriends all have the same reaction. It's especially bad in groups but also 1-1. Massive over enthusiasm about everything so it comes across fake.

I just can't stand her but I know she's lonely and would like to have a closer relationship with me and our brother. She tries to reach out sometimes but I think it's like I've got to the point where the smallest interaction annoys me to a disproportionate level. I'm not interested in her career (by which I mean going to see her perform) while family make a huge fuss over it (she also thinks my work is boring btw, but I don't expect her - or anyone else - to take a special interest!).

I am sure some people will think I'm unkind / intolerant / jealous but as I said it's not just me who reacts this way to her. Family tolerate her and my mum indulges and fusses over her because she likes to feel needed.

At the same time I feel guilty and sad that we don't have a relationship and that I should try to do something about that. I even took her on holiday with me last year to try and bond a bit more but it just showed me even more how utterly self involved and rude she is.

Should I just park the guilt and be open with her that we are just too different and I'd rather just not have much to do with each other?? I can barely force myself to even make small talk with her these days.

Tell her the she's self absorbed and you prefer two way conversation but say it in a nice way and it might help her in some way. If you just back off without saying anything she won't have the opportunity to improve things.

It's fine to feel that way and you don't need to feel guilty about it. Do you need to "be open" with her about it though? I can't see how that conversation would happen without being hurtful and it doesn't sound like you want that.

I've raised it gently with her in the past, but it's just the way she is. I wonder if just dropping contact even more without saying anything is more unkind?

I don't like my sister much either, for totally different reasons. I long ago accepted this (she probably doesn't like me either). You have to find a level of relationship you can cope with. I don't ever see my sister in her own, which helps.
I don't think telling her will help her tbh although you may want to get it off your chest. My sister told me some 'home truths ' which took me years to get over and then she suddenly wanted everything to be hunky dory between us. I have forgiven her but it is much harder to forget.

If you really wanted to resolve this you could. It doesn’t sound as though she is malicious. And if she is still at drama school she is still young and finding out who she is.

You do sound a bit unkind. I’m interested that you suggested jealousy too - it wouldn’t have come to my mind until you put it out there.

Is she pretty? Are you? (Possibly irrelevant but worth asking).

She left drama school many years ago, she's 29 and I'm 32. We're both averagely good looking. I'm very successful, own my house, married with kids and she's single and struggling to make her chosen career work. I know she works hard at it. I'm definitely not jealous (it is usually people's reaction because they think perhaps natural to jealous of a "glam" career but it's really not).

I totally understand where you're coming from op. With my siblings i often wonder how people from the same parents can be so different. I don't like my brother. I don't like the way he treats people or the lifestyle he's chosen. I try to have very little to do with him after years of trying. I don't need to explain why to him because he has no insight so wouldn't understand. I'm close to my other 2 siblings and having them makes me feel as if i have best friends for life. Him... not so much

I have a similar problem. Me and my sister don’t get on. I feel I persevered for years to try to maintain a relationship with her and got hurt over and over again. Different circumstances to yours. I manage it now by having no interaction with her so I protect myself. I feel better for it. I never see her alone. I see her 2-3 times per year at family events where we don’t speak much if at all. On the one hand it’s better as I don’t have to worry about her moods, but also I am sad that I don’t have a relationship with her because she’s my sister. Just keep your interactions to a level that make you feel ok