Depressed husband loves someone else

[InNeedOfHope]

I could really do with some outside opinions on this. I have been with DH for 15 years, married for nearly 10, 2 beautiful kids. We had always been so happy and in love. We both really did believe we had something incredibly special.

For the last few months I have noticed him being a bit more distant and behaving a bit differently. He would stay up for hours each night after I go to bed and I'd regularly wake up around 2am and find him either still awake or having fallen asleep on the couch. He has also got into the habit of having a few drinks almost every night. Not drinking to the point of getting drunk often but still, every night concerned me.

I had been asking him if anything was wrong and he always reassured me he was fine however after pushing him on it again a few weeks ago he admitted he's not been feeling happy in general for close to a year now. He said he didn't know why, that he felt unhappy and hopeless in general and he'd been trying things himself to make him feel better but nothing worked.

I didn't know what to think. I initially thought depression and suggested speaking to a doctor but I wasn't sure and didn't want to push him. I also suspected he was hiding something. I asked if there was someone else and he said no.

A week or so later I looked at his phone (something I would never normally do) and found messages to a woman he works with who is based in another office abroad. There were ones about sexual dreams about each other and also one about her moving over here to marry him.

I was shattered. To make it all worse, this woman had been over on a work trip for three weeks a few months ago and had spent a lot of time with me and my family.

I confronted him and he fell to pieces. He told me he felt like he'd been living a lie for almost a year, pretending he was happy when he wasn't and he didn't know what was wrong with his head. He admitted he had fallen in love with this woman however swears nothing happened while she was over here. We both cried constantly for a few days and I even said to him not to do anything stupid because I really felt he could be suicidal. He then moved back to his parents house.

As well as being so upset I was also so angry at the deceit. I know people will always be shocked when their partner does something like this but I couldn't get over how unlike him it was.

He saw my mum a few days later to drop my dc off to her when we were both working and she had a quiet word but didn't scream/shout or do anything the kids would hear. She said he was inconsolable again and just kept apologising. She then contacted me to say that she felt he was seriously depressed and needed to get help.

I contacted him again and insisted on his seeing a doctor. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants straight away and he is also seeing a counsellor in a few days.

I felt a bit better about things because I felt like this explained it a bit. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but I feel like at least now I can understand that he was behaving differently because of his mental state. Before I felt like I must never have known him at all.

We talked a bit and the possibility of trying to fix things was mentioned. He also told me he still loved me and didn't know how he could have lost sight of that. We both agreed he should stay with his parents for now until he gets his mind clearer and then see where we're at.

I believe he is still in contact with this other woman at the moment (although I think the nature of the messages will have changed). I'm not comfortable with this at all and am not sure whether I should be saying to him that if he has any hope of us fixing things in the future he needs to cut all contact outwith essential work stuff. I'm also still really worried about his mental state though and really don't know how to approach things.

Any insight or thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry for the saga!

How devastating for you. Whereas I'm sure you would feel more comfortable with him having no further contact with her,it's not something you can force -he will just hide it better. Hopefully in counselling he will be able to explore the reasons that this happened and decide what he plans to do about it. Perhaps you could have counselling as well I imagine you are still in shock at finding out that your life is not what you thought it was. It sounds a bit as though he was waiting /wanting to be found out and told what to do. Is he quite passive? Is this woman dynamic and pro active and perhaps turned his head while he was feeling a bit in a rut? It may take time but hopefully reasons will emerge, then you can both decide whether to give it another go.Sorry for what you are going through.

So sorry to hear what you're going through.

This might sound harsh to some people but I think you need to try and separate his involvement with this other woman and his mental illness.

He has had an emotional and probably physical affair. Depression didn't make him do that, he still made the choice. Plenty of people who suffer with depression don't betray their spouses.

He hurt you and you need to look after yourself. Let him take charge of his recovery because you have one of your own to be getting on with and his illness shouldn't be an excuse or undermime the horrible way you have been treated.

Please take the same steps anybody would be advised to take on here without the mental health element - prepare for the worst (that it was a physical affair as well) and protect yourself financially.

I hope it works out for you

Are you sure he hasn't become depressed because he has been living with his deceit and guilt for so long? Hopefully, the antidepressants will help him get to a place where he can decide what he wants to do but it might well be that he chooses a life with her. He has obviously let her believe that a life with him was on the cards if marriage was mentioned?

and love for you.
I was going to say the same thing as @Felicity. Either he's felt guilty about his deceit (& Guilt can do horrific things to ones mental health) or he's been depressed and is looking for some type of escape from reality - most likely it's a bit of both, but they'll continue to self perpetuate each other. Just being open about the other is the most important thing. And if he wants his marriage to work, he must realise that he can't continue to contact her.

Sorry I can see in the short term it's such a shock and you need time to process. However his depression and guilt are likely interlinked, he feels an obligation to you but to have such a significant emotional and probably physical affair means he must have been quite significantly unhappy with his life as it was.

I think you need to decide whether it's realistic that you would forgive him, whether it's realistic he should stop seeing the other woman (he may well replace her in time unless he suddenly became content in the marriage). Tbh such a long and consistent affair is not something you may want or be able to return to marriage from

Thanks so much for the replies. It really helps to hear some other opinions on it. One thing I should have said was that although he says he has been feeling generally unhappy for a long time, he swears that he only realised he had feelings for her after she went back home to India from her visit and this is when the messages started. I'm inclined to believe him although I may be being a fool. I guess I probably need to prepare myself as though it is over for now, instead of getting my hopes up that we can somehow fix it. It's so difficult because of our kids too. They are young (2 and 5) so only know that daddy is living in gran's house now. At first I could barely even look at him when he came to get them but when he was diagnosed with depression I felt differently and felt concerned and guilty that I hadn't picked up on it sooner.

To put it blunt..
Depression doesn't make you cheat, he did that anyway.
He should absolutey cut all contact with this woman if he ever wants to make it work with you!

You sound very strong and rational which is great

Don't let the fact that he may have had depression or now has got depression blind you to the fact that your husband has another woman on the go.

This is bad behaviour wherever it's coming from.

I think having him stay with his family now is good, gives you both space, and hopefully counselling will help him explore why he chose to disrespect/ignore his wife in this way.

I've going to be harsh but practical. First things first. You need to go to a sexual health clinic and get yourself tested. Hopefully everything will come back fine. Then you are both going to have a conversation on how you are going to move forward from this. Personally if you'd both spoke about staying together there is no way I'd be happy he was still in contact with this woman.

He's clever. He cheats on you and has you feeling sorry for him.

His mental health made him cheat and he lost his family apparently. He wants you back apparently. But he didn't do anything about it. He didn't go to the doctors. He made you care for him and you did it. You wheedled and "made him" go to the GP. Lots of lovely "poor you" attention for him.

He could have stopped contact with the OW. But no. He's keeping her on hold for now. That can't end easily, they were planning to get married after all!

Stop tending to his self inflicted wounds. He can get himself better.

Now you know that if he's feeling a bit depressed he will start an affair and even go so far as to plan to marry the other woman. Is the rest of your life to be spent making sure he never feels even a little bit down?

He sounds very selfish and manipulative.

I'm sorry OP that sounds devastating. I understand where you are coming from wanting him to get his mental state sorted. Even so I would say to him now if he wants you to even think about a reconciliation he has to cut the relationship with this other woman- and that's only then you considering the possibility of a reconciliation.

I think once you're concern for him dies down you will start to feel very angry- it may be that he's seriously depressed but he's also breached your trust in the most horrible way.

Hi inneed - i have been a lurker on MN for a while but decided to sign up so i could reply to you.

Unfortunately, I could literally write your post apart from we don't have any DC's.

to you as frankly it's rubbish.

I believe my partner suffers with depression but he doesn't and therefore won't go to the doctor. To cut a long story short 2 years ago he told me he wanted to separate out of the blue. A couple of months later he moved back in and seemed happier. Something wasn't quite right so I checked his phone and saw messages from one of his female managers, him saying he didn't want to lead her on any more. Confronted him and he just said they shared some home truths At this point he was at the lowest i have ever seen him and I do partly believe that his vulnerability lead to whatever happened. I chose to forgive him and we moved forward but he still works for said woman as he earns a great wage and it's something we cant sacrifice at the moment. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, he was acting shady again; checked his phone and there were about 10 messages in a row declaring her love for him. Doesn't look like he replied. Confronted him and he said he thinks she was drunk, so lost the plot and messaged her. Felt better initially but now am struggling.

I wholly appreciate that you are questioning whether the depression has lead to their interaction - and I do agree that in terms of your DH and my partner been vulnerable it can plant the seed and make them feel better about themselves getting attention from another woman. But ultimately it's no excuse, they should have turned to us in times of need. But looking at where I am now, I think because he has got away with it once he thinks it's ok to do it again and wish i was more vigilant and made him stop working for her (i'm a mug). Cudos to your DH for going to see the doctor and starting councelling though, i wish my partner was that brave.

Sending a virtual hug OP as this does sound devastating. I'm struck by the fact that you say that you feel guilty. Very understandable that you wish / suspect you might have been able to see the signs earlier but please try and be gentle with yourself. It is likely that his depression started slowly and built. At this stage you don't know whether there was trigger and if there was what it was. You are clearly offering him some support - both direct to him but by keeping it together for the rest of his family. Whatever happens you will obviously continue to have some form of relationship with him due to the DC's. Just give yourself time to work out what relationship you want with him, what your conditions for any continued relationship might be for you to safeguard yourself. I know that you are concerned about his illness but are you protecting yourself financial? Have you made a short term arrangement about this and what about contact arrangement for the children? Do you have support? I suppose I'm trying to say that just make sure you are okay too. You have had a big shock and are in a worrying time. Don't forget you in all this. Please take care.

I’m with run rabbit and butchers wife. My exh played the depression card to me and lead me a merry dance and didn’t own up to an ow for 10 months.

Look after yourself. I was put through hell. When the first ow gave up on him as he couldn’t make his mind up ( and I was oblivious) he had worse depression, then eventually he left me for another ow.
Thank god. This played out over three years. I’d had enough of him by then.

You need to be strong. At least you know. I was naive.
See a solicitor to see where you’ll stand financially if it all goes tits up.
Good luck. It’s just horrible.
I’m in a much better place now with my second husband.

Sorry to be harsh op but he's treating you like a fool and you're falling for it.

I think you should give him something to be depressed about! (Ie Losing his partner family and comfortable life!)
Everything points to his need to fix himself and when he’s had some therapy - you may have a chance to see what if anything is salvageable OP - very much depending on what YOU want. Your pain is equally legitimate and you deserve so much better.

He's depressed because he misses her and is envisioning the life they could have together were it not for the inconvenience of you being there, OP.

He's not ill - he just fancies someone else. In your shoes I wouldn't stand for this shit, he needs a massive wake up call you need to be having it out with him.

Suicidal? Bet he's not when he's communicating with her. He's playing the victim because he's been caught out. ill depressed suicidal what next, is he going to swoon away delicately?

This kind of behaviour when someone wants to or is having an affair is pretty common. He's just given you an elaborate version of The Script OP, and you're falling for it.

It's horrible for you and you must be absolutely devastated. But please - put yourself first. Not him.

It may be that you get through this and can stay together. But you're both in denial of what's really gone on here not to mention, this man seems to have a huge issue with accountability; at the very least, there has to be honesty and acknowledgment before you can move on.