Toxic relationship over. Why does it hurt?

[sunsetheaven]

Feeling sad and lonely tonight and hoping for support from you lovely people on Mumsnet.

Finally ended an on and off casual relationship. I fell in love with him. It hurts so, so much. I'm in my early 30s and never thought I'd fall in love again. But I have. Last time was when I was in my early 20s. I'm not only heartbroken, but fearful I will never find this feeling again with the right man - I seem to find it only with emotionally unavailable men. I am seeing a counsellor but I don't think it's helping much.

He has been unemployed for a while and never managed to have a girlfriend. He is probably also a bit of a commitment-phobe - said he's never been able to get the women he's wanted in life.

He's not the man for me, so why does it have to hurt so much? No wonder I had boring and passionless relationships from my mid 20s - I didn't want to fall in love and be heartbroken again. The pain is unbearable.

I just feel like I'm ready to give up and perhaps find a man I can share a comfortable life with, rather than being in love. But really, that's not what I want. Is it too much of a rare find?

Supportive and encouraging comments/advice most welcome.

I'm so sorry you're in pain. It's horrible isn't it? You feel like you're dying at times x

Have you read up about attachment style at all? I really encourage you to if you haven't. You may have some sudden lightbulb moments that will put your history in context...

Your questions about comfort vs love will also take on a new light if the insights I suspect you need do come.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

If none of that makes sense... Well.. I'll hold your hand if nothing else. I left my abusive exh and cried for months. I get it. There's no comfort but time. Xxxxx

Sorry you’re feeling so bad

Your pain is tangible and it sucks but time is probably the only thing that will fade it so just hold tight and ride it out for now. Try to keep busy, lean on friends if you can.

It sounds like the relationship wasn’t going anywhere with his approach to things but that doesn’t stop it hurting.

When I left my first husband I hadn’t imagined ever meeting anyone again, not even for the companionship you suggest as an alternative to hearts and flowers romance. I wasn’t mad on the idea of being single but the marriage was awful and I was so exhausted by it all I couldn’t handle the idea of getting back out there and bothering to date. And then I met DH and it’s a million times better, easier, happier, brighter than life ever was with my ex. If I hadn’t been through what I did with my ex I wouldn’t have met him or have the relationship I do now. And I couldn’t have imagined falling in love again. Honestly, jus couldn’t have seen it happening.

I know everything hurts at the moment but you will heal in time, you might meet someone wonderful and you shouldn’t settle for less than makes you really truly happy, or set out to do so. For now, focus on looking after yourself, doing things that make you feel good and remember that it’s impossible to know what’s waiting for you.

I hope that you are okay, OP.

You feel bad as you fell in love and it is a big mistake. Our pride and ego hurt too aswell as our hearts and brains.

No contact asap.