How do I leave an abusive relationship?

[tiddledpink]

Hi all. So this is my first ever thread on Mumsnet and I'm after some advice.

Basically the thread title says it all but I don't want to drip feed and need to write as much as possible as once it's out there it there right?

I need to end things with my partner but I don't even know where to start or what I need to do. I know if I ask him to leave - he won't go. He will fight me and I already scared to tell him what I want.

I have realised just how unhappy I am and I'm not me any more, he has done this to me and I am no longer in love with this man.

Facts are we have been together for nearly 6 years and I didn't realise how bad things had got. We have an almost 4year old DS, who I think might be affected by the atmosphere and his surroundings and I feel so guilty that I didn't get out and do something sooner. He is my absolute world and everything I am doing is for him, i can't let him down. I am so worried what damage this has already caused him.

For clarity this is a man who is: emotionally abusive - I'm sure he loves nothing more than making me feel worthless and shouting abuse. The most recent examples being last night; I went to bed early as I had a migraine and he proceeded to keep waking me up and shouting at me for not talking with him. Last week I was going on a night out for a friend's birthday for the first time in almost a year; everything was okay until a few hours before where he decided that I couldn't go and we should just stay in and then I should go, then I shouldn't - until i broke down in tears. I went out for an hour but couldn't stay as my night was ruined.
He is also financially abusive; for saying that i am the only person who works (and it has been only me for 2 1/2 years) he questions me about every penny that is spent every day. Especially as we have a joint account for bills/etc. He screamed at me the other day that he thinks I am hiding money in another account so he can't have it.

Apart from work colleagues and the 1 friend that I occasionally see; I have no-one around me to ask for help. My relationship with my family has been completely destroyed and I feel like I have lost my other friends; I talk to no-one but him.

He's never been physically abusive but he has taken his aggression out on doors, walls and tables before now. He has threatened to hit whenever I have tried to stand up for myself and fight back and I am starting to get concerned that he might do it one day.

I have written this whilst he has gone to buy milk so I am sorry if this makes no sense but I really don't know what to do or even where to start on ending this?

Omg sorry that it's so long and all bundled into one big paragraph.

I don't know what happened to all my spaces. Thank you to anyone who even reads all of this.

Wow you definitely need to get away from him. What's your housing situation? Do you rent/own? Who's name is on the tenancy?

I'd suggest ringing Women's Aid for help and advice, they can help you plan how to get him out of your life.

Also start to gather paperwork together and keep it somewhere safe. Passports, your child's birth certificate etc.

Also, you say partner but just to clarify, are you married or not?

Hi op. I don't know what advice to give you. I hope someone on here can. All the best

Op l am so sorry, that is an absolutely dreadful situation to be in.

You are right to be wary of what he may do you do, you need to be careful until you can safely leave. Please call Womens Aid for advice.

Fisrt a few things to consider, can you get hold of your and DCs passports and other important documents? Without him knowing..

If you are the main earner l assume you have a reasonable income without him, could you afford housing ?

Do you rent? is he on the tenancy agreement or mortgage? Much easier if not.

Can you open another bank account now without telling him?

Don't change anything on the surface but get your ducks in a row, google Grey Rock to avoid further confrontation.

You can do this but need to do it in stages, handhold from here.

Thank you for responding already, to clarify;

No not married, living together.

Renting from housing association but joint tenancy.

I will try and find passports good idea as he has threatened to take DS before if I ever told him to go.

Will call women's aid after I take DS to preschool on Monday.

Yes I could support me and DS by myself but would need to talk to work due to shifts as I do nights sometimes.

Will Google that now, I have a locker at work I can keep paperwork and things in that I know will be secure.

Trying to respond when I can, will read through properly later. Thank you!!

You say that your relationship with your family is ruined? Is that because of him? If it is, I suggest get all these things in place and then go to a family member. ASAP

Thank you all again for your responses yesterday.

@Dragon - I googled Gray rock last night and keep telling myself I am am rock. DS wants to go for a treasure hunt later; might collect some rocks whilst we are out to spur me on and remind me.

I took your advise and contacted the bank via chat this morning. A new account has been created and they will send all correspondence to my work address so there is no chance the card can be intercepted 🤞

Starting to think I might be able to do this.

@SoSo no not because of him, although it hasn't helped the situation i don't think. I am NC with DBro and have been for almost 8 years. My relationship with my parents is strained as I was always placed in the middle of their drama and it cause conflict and fighting with them trying to get me to take sides.

That leaves only DSis, and we aren't too close. We have drifted apart and only ever see each other if d'p' isn't around- I don't think she likes him too much if I'm being honest.

Sounds like you are already making good progress. Good luck op x

It sounds like your sister is someone to talk to; confiding in her may make you closer and you’d be surprised at how much people want to help when they find out how hard things are.
Have you spoken to your housing association? Calling women’s aid is definitely a good idea.
Leaving is the right thing to do; my ex started with the emotional abuse and damaging things then moved onto hurting me.

Thanks @user. Might try and talk to her about it later this week, we are taking the kids out for the day so seems like a good a time as any.

As for the housing association I have sent them an email; but will follow up with a call tomorrow after I have rang women's aid.

Off to the library after preschool drop tomorrow so I know I've got some where quiet and safe to make the calls.

Glad you are making steps towards leaving op, gradually get everything of value to you and Dc out of the house and somewhere safe if you can without him noticing, documents, precious momentos, photos etc.

Try and save a bit of money if possible and squirrel away in the new bank acount, even if its only a few pounds a week.

Definately confide in your Dsis, if she can be trusted. She may be very valuable when you leave to help you.

Note down all abuse, dates and keep away from the house. You may need evidence in the future.

You CAN do this, baby steps....

Hi OP. Firstly I am so sorry you have been going through this. You sound strong and determined. This man doesn't own you, remember that. You do not HAVE to be with him.
How long do you have left on your tenancy? Its definitely worth calling them and asking their advice about the tenancy.