So stupid

[Imsostupid33]

I've been really silly as u can see NC for this post. Basically I know u will get flamed but really need to get this off my chest. I've been with DH now 14 years, married for 3. Have DC's. He has always been abusive imo. things like critisizes what I do , how I am. always have to do what he wants to do , if he doesn't get his own way or if I've said something that he doesn't agree with he will go cold and ignore me for days , threaten to leave etc. He isn't at all affectionate , although we do still have sex about once or twice a fortnight .

Now things have gotten really bad, my drinking has escalated to block out how toxic my home life is and how lonely and miserable I am, he is using this against me saying unless I stop drinking he is leaving (understandable ) however I said that he also needs to change , he needs to lighten up a bit, stop being so grumpy and spend more time doing family things together , he insists he is not grumpy , he is , he always looks so miserable .

Anyway I've don't the unspeakable and met someone online , I know I'm a total arsehole for doing this but years of being pushed away and rejected emotionally and feeling so lonely I needed some affection. OM is divorced and a lot older. But we get on great , he can be a bit possessive , sends me txt sometimes saying enjoy u husband etc. Anyway yesterday afternoon I couldn't take much more and I told DH I'm staying at my parent for the weekend to give him a break. Not heard a peep from him. I just feel like I'm at the end of my thether as what to do for the best now , so confused and stupid .

Well OM sounds like he's potentially another version of your dh, so you'd be better not pursuing that. On the bright side, going to your parent sounds a good idea. Take the time to make a plan.

Personally I think you should leave your dh and stop drinking.

First things first, break things off with the other man. You are not in any fit state to be pursuing a relationship right now. You'd be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Next, make a doctor's appointment to address your drinking. It doesn't fix anything, it just makes it worse. You have to woman up here and be strong to make the changes you need in your life. How old are your DC?

Can you talk to your parents and get their support? It's okay to leave an unhappy marriage. You don't have to have anyone's permission 💐

I'm just so scared I'm making the wrong decision. I'm already on antidepressants and beta blockers for anxiety. I know I need to end things with OM I don't really know him tbh, he has helped me through this a little bit , but I don't get vibes he wants to persue things any further ..... Which again sometimes makes me feel like shit , all I know about him is where he lives and works , as for DH he keeps blowing hot and cold. Example yesterday after work I went to my friends had 2 Smirnoff ices as it was cold then took the kids to the park, he sat on his phone the whole time , I had fed the kids etc , when I got home he ignored me I asked what his problem was he shouted no nothing go back to ur friends house , stormed off to his bedroom and never heard a peep again. Until the next day he called me acting totally normal ? Head fuck or what

Your life right now sounds utterly miserable. You have to make a decision of some kind otherwise things are just going to spiral even more out of control.

If you didn't have children and wanted to faff about and wallow in the drama of the situation, then I'd tell you to crack on. But you have got children. First and foremost, you are a mum and your children are depending on you. You might be thinking that your marriage is a headfuck and, to be fair, it sounds pretty awful. So how do you think your kids are coping with a dad who behaves erratically and a mum who has turned to alcohol to cope with it? And this situation cannot be helping your depression.

I know I probably sound really harsh but I think you need a good talking to. Nobody (especially not the OM) is going to swoop in and rescue you. You are going to have to do this for yourself, as hard and as unpleasant as it might be. Talk to your parents. Ask them for their support.

Other man isn't really the issue, it's just a distraction to boost your ego and avoid dealing with the real issues which is your drinking and your bad marriage
I suggest making a plan, what do want to change and what are the first steps to doing this?
Plenty of help available to stop the drinking
Do you want to leave your marriage? Then what needs to be in place to make this happen, can you financially support yourself and if not start working on how you can
Nothing needs to happen immediately but start being proactive, a change of life isn't going to fall in your lap, you need to make it happen

You need to stop drinking. Immediately and forever. It will be impossible for you to make good decisions so long as you continue to abuse alcohol. Leave your husband AND the other man. You know they are both no good for you.

Thank you , yes my life is utterly miserable right now , I can't remember the last time I was happy , it's been over a year I think. I'm so fed up waking up everyday having to face it all again. DH has been distant for month now , in his defence ive been a cunt to him too , but years of being like his mother figure and getting no support has taken its toll .

I will try and get another appointment with the gp. Feel so so low today , trying to get through each hour is hard work

Alcohol makes things seem worse (better at the time, but afterwards it pushes you lower, plus it saps your energy).

I always feel better if I have a plan of some actions to take when things are looking bleak. It doesn't have to be massive steps all at once, (in fact it's good to have some small wins you can achieve easily), but just a tick list of small steps you can start taking towards improving life.

I will try , I just don't know where to start at the moment , I feel like my life has spiraled out of control , feel like DH doesn't care at all and I'm missing OM , how did I get on to such a mess , I never imagined in a million years I would be in this situation

Alcohol makes depression worse. You may need B complex vitamins as alcohol depletes these causing lots of both mental and physical problems. Break both the booze and OM habit, see the gp, eat and sleep as well as you can, and you'll see your way forward from a much healthier place.