Date5. I have ASD, he has OCD. Shall I text?

[littlepill]

Not straightforward. Met him last week, here’s the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3221683-Eek-Thanks-for-a-lovely-evening-Wish-I-had-hugged-you

Texted thanks etc. next day, there was a bit of banter and he wished me a good week. Nothing since (but this is not uncommon for him).

Shall I text asking him to meet again? Am worried about missed chances!

Last week’s thread here, that was date4 (ish):

[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3221683-Eek-Thanks-for-a-lovely-evening-Wish-I-had-hugged-you]

Do you think maybe you need to be with someone who sends you clearer, unambiguous signals? I read your other thread and understand your anxiety but perhaps he's not the best match for you if his reticence puts you on edge?

Shackup: thank you! I wonder if that is it. I like clear signals. It’s refreshing to take things slower this time but I am confused

OP I'll freely admit I wouldn't be arsed about dating if I ever became single again, I find 'reading the runes' incredibly boring and confusing and unless I met someone who was incredibly easy and straightforward to hang out with, I'd sack them off immediately

Text something casual, like hi how has your week been? When he replies ask if he would like to meet up again for coffee/drinks/lunch/a walk/whatever you fancy doing?

It’s still early days and if you are both a bit introverted, he may feel as unsure as you about texting!

I can see your point! Have already had a few ‘flings’ so I turned to dating for a bit. This was the last chance as I’ve had enough but he is RL acquaintance and not OLD, maybe that is different. Yes, it is v boring and confusing to play by rules

Thank you, shedmice That’s a good idea. Will have a think. I find small talk difficult...

I can imagine, my teenage son has autism, he hates small talk!

Maybe drop the small talk and go straight for the do you fancy meeting up. Maybe he finds small talk difficult too?

It’s funny - what you say makes perfect sense to me, and I can see this is how ‘normal people’ would do it... but OMG I try to put myself in that position and I come over hot & clammy. Maybe I’m about scared of him... could just be nerves... getting close to people is difficult, especially here where it is on an emotional level. ONS are easier because they are just physical.

Hrmmmppppffff!

Thank you, Shed!

Why are you assuming 100% of the responsibility for keeping this moving forwards? A relationship is between two people. He shares 50% of the load!

I can see this is how ‘normal people’ would do it... but OMG I try to put myself in that position and I come over hot & clammy.

Me too!

My son is the same, I can emphasise. He isn’t old enough for dating yet! I’m trying to think what my advice to him would be!

I think I would advise him to try and develop a way of saying what he wanted to say which worked for him and to say what he felt comfort with. If the other person found his communication not quite conventional or a bit odd, that’s their problem!

What would you feel comfortable saying?

Whatsgoingon You're right about sharing the responsibility for moving it forwards. To be fair, he has probably done 75% of the initiating Glad it's not just me with the clammy feelings...

Shedmice My son has traits, too, but it doesn't help me much Yes, that is exactly what my counsellor said to me: find a way of talking about "what works". E.g. "It was nice to have a hug when we said goodbye, before. Shall we make it our way of saying goodbye, each time?" But how can I talk about it, if I never see him!? Maybe I want to take it a bit faster than he does.

I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable saying anything at all... but to wait for him. Yes, maybe that's it.

Ok. I'll wait

Did you meet him for the first time last week?

4 dates is quite frequent for a week!

Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, maybe stretch your comfort zone slightly if you feel you want to.

Is it the asking does he want to meet again, that is the most anxiety provoking?

Or just the texting at all?

Maybe try breaking it down, into exactly what is bothering you the most.

NO, no! Not 4 dates in one week!! They were spaced out - every few weeks...

All of it is bothering LOL! I think
maybe the worry that I might be seen as a nuisance. Have decided to wait a few more days...

I'd text just asking if he fancies a drink or something, you have nothing to lose. Then if he does say yes during the date, say that having ASD you find it hard to read subtle signals and ask him if he sees it as more of a friendship or potential relationship. I think if it's going to carry on he will need to be aware you might sometimes need a bit of clear speaking, if he can't do that maybe it won't work anyway.

He sees you every few weeks? No wonder you're climbing the walls! Anybody would be! This isn't dating, it's more drawn-out than ordering a book from the library.

I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but he doesn't really sound like much of a Casanova if you see him once a fortnight and he ends texts with "have a good week". I mean, that tells you he has no plans to see or contact you for the whole week. Frustrating, and dull.

He might be sweet but I'd tentatively suggest you might not be a perfect fit - you being perfectly normal in wanting to actually see him occasionally, and him being the Loch Ness Monster of availability.

I hope you're not putting all your eggs in this one bastard basket. He'd be ok as one of your regular "beaux", flung into a mix of dates so you don't find yourself lonely and ignored. But as a main man, he's crap.

Moxibelle Yes, maybe I need to take the plunge, so to speak. He already knows about my ASD but yes, I need to learn how to navigate and to tell him that about subtle signals. Also, I did say we would 'meet as friends' on the first date, so he is probably confused now, too. Think I need to be less subtle! Yes, you're right, if he can't deal with it, maybe it's a non-goer....
e you might sometimes need a bit of clear speaking, if he can't do that maybe it won't work anyway.

WhatsGoingOnEh 1-2 weeks, normal ish, I think, for dating. I initiated date 1 as "just friends" and haven't been able to articulate anything further - partly because I didn't know him that well. On date 2 he gave me his story and it was... well, it made me see him in a more romantic light.

He is definitely not a Casanova, LOL, you are not hurting my feelings! We have talked through his emotional closedness on dates, so he could have the chance to open up. I don't know!

Hmm you are right about availability. I wonder if I put him off further through the no-hug ending of last week, too...

Aww he's not a bastard at all! I'm not putting any eggs in any baskets, really - not that bothered about dating otherwise. Had a ONS with past person a few weeks ago and that was horrible. Happy to be alone and dipping into this from time to time than other dates... I'm interested to see how/if this one develops.

Hmm yeah it is frustrating though!

Thanks - your posts really helped me think it through...

Oh the being seen as a nuisance worry! My son has that too, it stops him asking for what he wants and needs. Stops him from putting himself first sometimes.

Sorry for keep harping on about my son! I hope I’m not coming across as patronising. That really isn’t my intention!

Decide what you want, go for it! If the intention isn’t returned, you will know! What’s the worst that can happen? He will say no and think you are a nuisance if that’s his thinking, his loss and not worth another date! X

Please don't apologise about discussing your son, Shed! In fact, I have found it doubly helpful - for my own predicament and also for my own DS. Good to see what is ahead!

I am learning so much about my condition. It's hard to believe there was a time when I couldn't work out what was wrong in my interactions. I now know it's not so much 'wrong', just that I see the world differently.

Ok. You have made me think that maybe I should drop a short text. Looking through, he has been a bit more communicative than I realised... but if I don't throw the bait, he can't hook, right? [fish]

If he thinks you're just friends, that explains everything.

I hate ONS too. Completely with you on taking things slowly. And 1 meeting every 1-2 weeks is so average for friendship that I really think he thinks you're just mates.

Hmm.

You sound really lovely. I have a good feeling.

Totally nothing ‘wrong’ with you or you’re interacting, it’s difficult living in a world designed for ‘nt’ people, where you are expected to just ‘fit in’ and follow ‘norms’! Autism is a variant, not an affliction.

My feelings from what you have said, (I read your other thread too) if it’s of any help! Is that you both have your own difficulties, which may be quite similar when it comes to relationships, sharing emotions, communicating etc.

He has had many relationships? I get the feeling you both enjoy each other’s company, enjoy your dates, then neither are sure of how to arrange another or communicate in between!?

Checking back in to say thank you, both, for your support on Saturday! I did text him but have not heard back. This is not atypical for him, think he doesn't use text that much.

WhatsGoingOnEh Yes, we are still at the stage where he thinks we are just friends. I've not been able to suggest taking it further, as a consequence of it going so slowly.

Yes, I think the same 1-2 weeks apart is about the same as it is in my other M-F friendships. Think I will need to be overt if it is to go down the romantic route... Aww thank you!

Shedmicehugh1 Thank you. Yes, nothing 'wrong' but different. Agree - hard to live in NT world, and to know which norms to follow, especially if they involve physical interaction and/or emotion. In a way, ONS are easier (just icky) as I can get the sex but there is not much emotion, so we both know where we are. With something like this... Less easy.

Yes, on some level I will have to consider that he has his difficulties, too, and will have to be more overt about what our 'norm' will be. No, he hasn't had many relationships. Just 1 long term, I think. He is very closed and fearful, emotionally.

Yes, he definitely enjoys the dates as much as a I do, we have a great laugh. I get the feeling he wants to hold back between dates. Wow, that is very slow indeed!

Again, thank you so much - you helped me to think things through a lot.