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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are things coming to an end

21 replies

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 08:03

My husband and I have been married 18months together 7 years. We have 2 children. The relationship is really good when it’s good but when it’s bad it’s horrendous.
He is a good dad and he works hard but I feel like if it wasn’t for the kids he wouldn’t be here.
A while back we was talking about having another baby.... I feel like he plays mind games with me I.e he doesn’t want one ever then maybe in 10years (I’m not having a baby in my 40s!!) to maybe 3/4 years now he says maybe in a year or so, he knows this is something I want and it seems to me like he is using it against me to play with my head.
I came off my pill recently for health reasons and asked him to buy condoms. First off he said he would get them then when we was in the pharmacy I said “may as well pick them up while we are here” he went oh we’ll sort it later and never bothered. Then he says I don’t want to wear a condom I’ll pull out. I explained how risky it was and that if anything happened I wasn’t gonna be to blame (very characteristic of him to blame everyone else but himself) so here comes the TMI part
Last night we DTD spur of the moment, and he chucks his load inside me of course I got the blame “you should have reminded me” as if he had to remind me to take my pill every day 🙄 straight after he comes out with such hurtful nasty comments. “I’d slip into a deep depression if you got pregnant” and “we’d have to have a long hard chat if the worst happened. How unlucky would we be if you got pregnant the one time we have an accident” I couldn’t believe him. He’s not one for thinking before he speaks but are you kidding me!!!! So q arguement and more hurtful comments “I’m never leaving because you’d move someone else in with my kids and I’d kill you and him” wtf there is no “him” what is going through his head. Where does he get this crap from it’s like a Jeremy Kyle episode sometimes. So now he’s fast asleep we haven’t spoken since that row and I’m sitting here thinking oh ok pal you’re here for the kids only! I’ve never felt so alone. Not even sure whether I’m asking anything or just having a rant 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry ladies. Rant over

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 08:06

I can’t talk to my mum or friends, I don’t want them to think badly of him and then we make up and they’re left sitting there thinking he’s a massive twat..... which he is but he isn’t a bad person

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coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 21/04/2018 08:15

He sounds like an idiot! You're clearly respecting his wish not to have another child by suggesting condoms etc and then he goes and does that. Sounds to me like a head fuck!! Next time insist you use condoms not only because he doesn't want a child but because you don't want to be on the receiving end of his "long hard chat". He doesn't sound like a good man..

coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 21/04/2018 08:16

Also. It's NOT your job to remind him! Who does he think he is?!

Emma198 · 21/04/2018 08:18

He sounds awful. You can't be happy?

Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 08:24

@coffeecoffeemorecoffee. Exactly my point! He said we’re both to blame while I agree we both knew we was having unprotected sex how was I suppose to know he wasn’t gonna pull out. He is a total idiot most of the time. Like a sulky teenager that throws his toys out the pram if he doesn’t get his own way. Don’t get me wrong I’m no angel I said some hurtful things too but he’s so childish. Just apologise for being a prick and shut up 😆

@emma198. Not in the slightest. The weekend is going to be full of uncomfortable silences I’m sure. I’m gutted this happened things have been so good for ages and then this happens.

He did apologise for “wording it wrong” and said he isn’t ready for another baby yet which I respect. He has always been one to worry about money. Not that he needs to we’re both working and financially stable and said maybe in a year or so which is fine by me. He seems to think because I said I wanted another baby I expected him to run Home drop his pants and stick it to me that second

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Minkywater · 21/04/2018 08:25

He sounds incredibly selfish.
Could you get counselling either for yourself or both?
There are cheaper online therapists ones if its for yourself or if you google 'relate' they have couples counselling.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 08:25

Mrs Brown

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied; he seems deranged. The worst thing in life too as Robin Williams once said is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone. This man does not own you or your body either although he seems to think he does.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you in terms of getting your own needs met?. I would be now talking to Womens Aid and planning your exit from this marriage. Abuse like this as well thrives on secrecy, if you really cannot talk as yet to your mother then keep writing her and talk to WA. Get this out more into the open; do not keep this secret and certainly do not cover for him any longer. He has never ever given you any real consideration here.

Is this the model of a relationship you want to be showing your children as well, would you want this for them?. No you would not. So stop doing your bit here to show them that this treatment from their dad is still acceptable to you on some level. They pick up on all the vibes and they know that things at home are bad.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. Think on that too. Staying for the children as well is rarely if ever a good idea because it teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them. They won't say thanks mum either to you, do not put this man before them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 08:27

If there is any type of abuse in the relationship joint counselling is a non starter. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together.
And I would not use Relate either.

NO to any joint counselling; if counselling here is to be done then you need to go on your own. Such abusive men if they actually deign to attend such sessions can and do manipulate the counsellor. It makes for an unsafe and unsatisfactory environment.

niceupthedance · 21/04/2018 08:35

Are you able to use another form of contraception? As the relationship doesn't appear stable enough for another baby. What are you going to do if he doesn't want any more children? As that is what he is telling you, albeit in a shitty way.

Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 08:37

@attilathemerrkat I do make excuses for him. His best friend of 20+ years died of a heart attack a year ago at 27 and since then he has been so depressed his anxiety is awful but he refuses to get any help or talk to anyone. His family aren’t very supportive either. He doesn’t have a very close relationship with any of them really. They wasn’t there for him when his friend died. Since it happened he Has been worse but he was aggressive before his never laid a finger on me, he’d never do that. I’m also short tempered which doesn’t help. He use to see a counsellor after his grandad died but that was over ten years ago. He would massively benefit from seeing a doctor but won’t admit he has a problem

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category12 · 21/04/2018 08:39

So, are you going to get the morning after pill?

He's horrible to you. Why are you staying with him?

Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 08:40

@niceupthedance if he sat me down and said look I really ain’t up for another baby Then fine. I had resigned myself to the fact we wasn’t going to have anymore anyway until he came out with “maybe in a few years” which then has changed to “maybe in a year or so” he’s saying he wants another baby but just not yet which is fine by me I’m happy to wait but he’s convinced I’m telling him one thing and meaning another he’s so paranoid. If he definitely didn’t want another child then That’s fine, I just want some honesty. Not mind games. I’ve got two beautiful children and I’m ok to leave it at that if it’s really not something he wants

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NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/04/2018 08:41

He sounds awful. I'd be getting the morning after pill if I were you as the last thing you need is another baby in such an unstable relationship

MarthasGinYard · 21/04/2018 08:43

Good lord stop sleeping with him he has no respect for you.

Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 08:50

Sounds like he is trying to get you pregnant and then either force you to have a termination or forever blame you for the child’s birth. Do you really want a relationship with this kind of headworker?

Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 08:54

@lunettesloupes I’m going to get the morning after pill today. There’s no way I’d bring an unwanted child into this. He knows a termination is a no go for me. He’ll never see he has done anything wrong it’ll always be my fault no matter what the issue.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 08:56

Why are you with him now?. What is in this still for you?.

And you wonder why his family are not supportive; they are probably just like him. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin.

You need to stop making excuses for him as of right now. Many people have bad things happen to them through their lives like you describe but they do not use choose to emotionally or physically beat up on their spouse as yours does. Abuse as well is not just physical either in nature, emotional abuse can be damaging too.

He is using his problems to further blame and undermine you as a person. You cannot help him and neither should you at all try now. Some abusive men as well can and do use depression as an excuse to further abuse their intended target. You won't get honesty with him; just mind games designed to give you spaghetti head and not knowing which way is up. He has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 08:56

Good idea - you really deserve better, you know xx take care

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2018 08:58

He will always blame you for everything; such entitled and abusive men never apologise nor ever accept any responsibility for their actions.

Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 09:10

@lunettesloupes thank you xx

@atillathemeerkat I’m struggling to see what I get from this. He can be the most loving man and he’s a fantastic dad. I come from a family where you stay and work out your problems my mum and dad have been married over 35 years through ups and downs so I really don’t want to walk away. I love him for my syns. He doesn’t control me I’m quite a headstrong person I do what I want when I want and I’m not timid and I certainly don’t sit and take his crap. I get what you’re saying he can be emotionally abusive and a total head messer. When it’s good it’s soooo good but when we argue it’s just awful. Arguing isn’t a regular occurrence in our marriage but when we do it awful. I know he’ll get up and say something along the lines of “I’d this how it’s gonna be all day or are you going to sort it out” and he’ll wanna sweep it under the carpet

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Original poster

MrsBrown28 · 21/04/2018 09:18

Thank you so much for all your advice. It’s so appreciated to know that I’m not the only one thinking he’s a dick haha I don’t feel like it’s all in my head now.
I’m gonna get showered get dolled up and take my babies out for the day with a big middle finger up to him 😂

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