I know IABU I just need to vent.

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

I know this isn’t AIBU and think this belongs here...just need to write this down as I’m sad and cross with myself!

I just got back from drinks with a lovely colleague who’s been really supportive during my break up. She told me she’s pregnant.

I said all the right things, congratulated her, and gave her a hug, but inside I died a little bit and I found the rest of the conversation really hard. I’m pretty sure she has no idea of this!

We became close friends around this time last year. Back then we confided in each other we were both going to TTC in the nest year or so, how excited we were etc. She then got engaged and is now expecting, meanwhile my relationship has fallen apart, my wedding cancelled and I feel like I will never be a Mum.

She’s 30, I am 35 soon. Today she kept taking about how “life has just come together at the perfect time” and “I wouldn’t want to be any older” and “I can’t believe I’m going to be a wife and mother” and joked about “not being left on the shelf,” while I sat there smiling and silent screaming, feeling v much shelved!

When she told me about her scan and seeing her baby’s heartbeat all I could think was there’s a big chance I will never experience that. I had thought I might be pregnant by now (wedding would have been last Autumn) and remember we joked that maybe all being well we’d be on maternity leave at the same time. I realise how daft that is now.

Sitting there today I felt so keenly that my life has just fallen to pieces, as though she was showing me everything I could have had if ex and I hadn’t fucked everything up.

I’m usually pretty good at giving myself a mental shake over this stuff, counting blessings, etc, but I’m a bit shaken by how savage my envy is. I felt (unfairly) that she was crowing and pitying me for being a sad spinster while she won the “proper woman” prize. I KNOW this isn’t true but my heart doesn’t seem to.

I should add that I know life hasn’t been easy for her, she had an abusive relationship before she met her DP and a miscarriage over Christmas. She deserves happiness! I just wish I could feel it for her. Instead I cried all the way home. Even though I would never think this about another woman in my situation, right now I feel a complete failure.

Just because she has had it tough before doesn't mean she doesn't have to speak to you sensitively.

She said

"I wouldn’t want to be any older”
“not being left on the shelf,”

OP, she was crowing, no good friend says this to a friend whose relationship has recentky broken down and who you knew wanted to conceive.

I would be very wary of this friend.

Oh op.

I'm so sorry.

I felt like this after my marriage broke up and I went to my first Xmas party without my ex and folk gave me pitying stares and "compassionate" comments about how hard it is to be alone at Xmas etc. I too cried all the way home.

People can be so thick that they have no idea how their words affect others. Your friend is going through the usual script of things women say without thinking... She is wrong to, and it's horrible to be on the receiving end.

I'm just sorry. It's shit and not fair. I don't know how things will go for you in the end but I can say, you didn't deserve to be dealt with so unfeelingly. Xx

Thanks both. It is just the sadness and unfairness of it I guess. I’m generally coping fine, but today it just hit me full force. I’m probably never going to be anyone’s wife or anyone’s mother. I know it isn’t everything but it feels so crushing.

Lacucuracha I know what you mean, but honestly I think she was just so giddy she wasn’t thinking. It was thoughtless rather than mean I think. Still I might have to distance myself a bit (but that makes me frustrated too;I feel I’ve already lost so many friends in this, including ex who was my best friend.) Argh! It’s so shit. Thanks for replying 💐

You know her better than us, but it’s possible that she was just insensitive rather than deliberately nasty. People can be very self absorbed and thoughtless.

Hopefully if she is a good friend she will give her head a wobble soon.

Dont feel like a failure!! 35 is still young what are you talking about you are never going to be a wife and mother?!? thats bollocks. Theres plenty of chance of you becoming a wife and mother if thats really what you want.
My friend just had her first and she is 42!
My husband was 44 when we married and im his first wife and had his first child.

Its understandable you are upset about your break up but please dont let it put a downer on the entire rest of your life! You are really pretty young even if you dont feel it. Youll get through this and be happy again!! Please dont worry yourself like this.

You're not being unreasonable, your friend was being really insensitive. She can be happy for herself without putting you down at the same time, that's not fair at all considering she knows what you've been through.

Not quite the same, but my son was born sleeping at full term in August last year and my co-worker was pregnant at the same time, she didn't want kids at all. She now parades around like she's mother of the year. My relationship became abusive after the loss as well and I left him. So she literally had everything I want and should have had, and that she didn't even want in the first place.

I know it's what your friend wanted, but I get that feeling of trying to be happy for someone but also hurt because that's where you should be too. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself and try to spend as little time around this friend as possible whilst she's still overly excited about it all. Maybe when she calms down a bit it will be much easier for you. If she keeps on, you'll just have to tell her straight how she's making you feel because she obviously can't see beyond her own nose right now!! x

I’m so very sorry for your loss sosks 💐 Thanks for sharing, I know that (as you say) it’s not the same but it’s that feeling of “why her and not me?” It’s guilt inducing but also feeds itself, like I get into a righteous fury with the universe.

Just a bunch- thanks, I do have days where I feel more hopeful. But then others like today where I feel like absolutely everyone is in love and happy, enjoying or planning a future I’ll never have. I loved (love) ex so much and I feel sometimes that if I couldn’t make it work with him then I can’t with anyone. I’ve dipped my toe into dating but wasn’t ready (meanwhile ex is loved up with new girlfriend he started dating weeks after when our wedding would’ve been.)

I hate feeling like this and fear I’m becoming bitter Don’t want to be Miss Havisham!

Teeny- thanks, I think you’re right.

Aww I don't think YABU TBF!! I think you are totally in a sound mindset - you feel like you died inside a little (totally understandable!!) but you done all the right congratulations and hugs etc (very brave of you IMO).

I had a similar thing - I'd broken up and was 34 at the time felt I'd never have kids etc it was awful. My friend had a baby and when she passed her to me I just sat a sobbed all over the baby while my friend looked on horrified. I just couldn't keep it in. Even now thinking back it brings tears to my eyes I felt so happy for her and at the same time so unbearably, desperately sad for myself. She took the baby back while I heaved and sharply gulped air. It was detestation in the worst way to put her through that and she just didn't know what to say or do but let me get it all out. After that I never held a baby until I had my own at 35. I was on a mission to find a Dad for the baby I so wanted. So there is hope and believe me when I say I thought there was none for me!!

I think your friend must just be so convinced that you will have no problem finding someone else and settling down and having a baby, and this is why she spoke of 'being left on the shelf' because in her head you're not! I also bet she classes you as her age and it's not occurred to her that you're that bit older and by what she's saying she's floored you a bit.

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do, I think it's incredibly honest of you to admit and also keeping your resolve too is admirable!! There is always hope for people like us!!

Devastation not detestation!!

OP my situation is different to yours however, it has taught me that sometimes you have to just accept your feelings.

I have fertility problems, been ttc for almost 5 years with no baby, and me & DH are coming to terms with the idea that we may never be parents. It is a pain that right now is unbearable, and it has made me have some awful, spiteful thoughts and feeling towards those around me.

Like you, I know rationally that seeing my friends have a family doesn't actually effect my chances of having one, but there have been times I have had to distance myself, when I've been so envious of other people's good fortune in getting pregnant that it's made me angry and I hate that, BUT, I think it's natural. And it's healthy to acknowledge it for what it is, an irrational feeling that is all about what you want in your life and nothing to do with the type of person you are.

My general reaction to this stuff is either to eat rubbish food or have a day / evening out as a distraction if that helps? for you though OP.

You aren’t being unreasonable. You’ve had a massive life change and the last thing you need is insensitivity like she’s just shown you.

I git divorced at 33. I found my new partner 2 years later. You still have every chance. It might take longer to conceive when or if you get there and decide to again but you still have that chance. Massive virtual hug.

No wise words that haven’t been said already, but just wanted to send you a hug.

I have no doubt that you will meet someone special, but you sound like a lovely person who could give a baby all the love it needs, by yourself, if necessary. Far too early to write off all your dreams

Thank you for lovely kind replies and especially for the hope. Most of the time I don’t feel so despairing but yesterday was a v low point!