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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abuser - can they change ?

16 replies

BooBreakingAgain · 20/04/2018 19:32

I spent a while looking at abuser profiles as per Lundy’s book.. have not read the book though.

can you ever change abusive behaviour and are some types that can / can not change?

Does any of you have advice on that?

Struggled for years with DH and he is a classic Demand Man after looking into it. Is there any hope or am I deluded? I am giving it a lot of consideration at the moment and trying to decide what to do..

Thank you for any advice you can share!

OP posts:

JackietheBackie · 20/04/2018 19:35

No, in my experience very few people are capable of change. Especially if they don't think that there is anything wrong with their behaviour. And aging isn't easy on anyone, so I think lots of people actually get worse as they get older as opposed to mellowing out.

But maybe I am just a miserable old cynic.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 20/04/2018 19:39

Imo /e yes abusers can change...
They get worse.
You accept the initial crappy treatment so they up their game until it becomes your normal and you don't think to question it.
Don't be that doormat.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/04/2018 19:41

Well... Lundy himself says that abusers can change but that most of them don't, because the rewards for abusing are great whilst the discomfort of admitting their own guilt/failings and making amends is too much for many to face. I'd add that some have such ingrained habits, or even personality disorders, that it is impossible for them to change (I'm pretty sure my ex was one of those). But others won't because they don't have to.

Original poster

BooBreakingAgain · 20/04/2018 23:23

Thank you for your replies

I can see your points - unfortunately DH struggles to admit there is a problem. In his opinion if it is not a physical abuse then it's ok. Hardly. No consideration for my feelings

If I could see that he understand his behaviours and admits it is unreasonable and then takes conscious steps to make it better - then I would have given him a chance

I doubt it will happen

OP posts:

Original poster

BooBreakingAgain · 20/04/2018 23:26

Interesting what you say Annie... can't vs don't

Wonder if in situation where they can loose everything, they would feel committed to change?

OP posts:

LineyHasntLeftTheBuilding · 20/04/2018 23:30

My Ex is losing everything right in front of his eyes, and still won't change.

user764329056 · 20/04/2018 23:31

It sounds like you have a fantasy of how you want him to be and the sad reality is that he will almost certainly never become that, don’t stay in an unhappy relationship waiting for that mythical beast of the new him to emerge, that is just a life of eternal disappointment

Sn0tnose · 21/04/2018 10:57

Wonder if in situation where they can loose everything, they would feel committed to change? It's my experience that the only thing they commit to is blaming you for taking away the things that make their life what it is.

If he doesn't believe that what he is doing is abuse, then he doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong. Even if you tell him that if he doesn't change his behaviour you will leave, and he does change, he's still going to believe that he's not wrong and not abusive. That belief is still going to be there, bubbling away under the surface. Only this time, it will probably be coupled with a growing resentment towards you for 'forcing' him to moderate his completely reasonable and acceptable behaviour. After all, he's done nothing wrong and you're the one with the problem. And that is when things escalate.

I'm quite sure that there are some abusers who (with a lot of professional help) have managed to keep a lid on it and change their ways, but I think that they would be the exceptions to the rule.

colditz · 21/04/2018 11:03

They and and they never, ever,, ever do. There are too many benefits to being abusive, the major one being getting your own way all the time

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 21/04/2018 11:30

He might change for somebody else who makes it clear from day one they wont tolerate his nonsense, but the dye is cast for where you are concerned. You’ve shown yourself willing to tolerate his shit over a long period. Why would he change? What’s in it for him?

lifebegins50 · 21/04/2018 14:02

Wonder if in situation where they can loose everything, they would feel committed to change?

Ex has lost a lot through his behaviour but absolutely blames me.This is something to be aware of as I was stupidly naive and assumed he would be reasonable in the divorce.He appeared to hate me so why not be happy to let me go? However he didn't hate me, he wanted me around, but on his terms.

My advice would be - Don't share too much and line up as much as you can before pushing the divorce button.Ex has been vindictive beyond my wildest expectations.

A theory about abusers is that iin childhood they were rejected for who they were, essentially they had controlling parents.As a result they have learnt that power over someone is preferable to love and power over is their default setting. Its a concept that those of us who can love struggle both.

Childhood nurturing (or lack of it) seems to impact men more significantly so more men are abusive.It's a hardwired response so in therapy childhood has to be relearned before healing can happen.

Ex had and is still in therapy, must be years but zero improvement as he doesn't see himself as the issue...if everyone did what he wanted he wouldn't feel uncomfortable/upset therefore he wouldn't get angry.It's simple to him..the concept of loving someone so you willingly sacrifice your needs at times is alien to him.

Perhaps men with slight tendencies might be able to be reset in therapy.However those who are further down the scale and who have also gained additional power at work don't seem to change.The power that they exert in a marriage is too beneficial plus they are used to the status..could a CEO easily drop into the role of team member and become an equal employee happily?

PNGirl · 21/04/2018 14:34

They don't deserve the chance to.

Wolfiefan · 21/04/2018 14:40

No. He doesn't see a problem. So he has no reason to change. Time to make an exit plan.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/04/2018 14:50

Yes abusers can change. But it's difficult and takes insight, time and a really good therapist, so most of them don't. And hardly any do whilst in a relationship.

I agree with Wolfie, its time to plan your exit. Sorry you are going through this and I have no better news for you. You can't change him OP.

trackrBird · 21/04/2018 14:51

No, because the abuse is based within their selfish and entitled nature. You can’t do a lot with that.

If Bancroft style therapy programmes were 100% unsuccessful they would cease to exist, but the tiny % that do improve...well that’s great, but most people are wasting their time.

Gloryificus · 21/04/2018 15:04

Would an abuser change if they were to lose everything? Sure they'd give a different type of abuse a try anything to return to the previous status quo.
Abusers only change what isn't working anymore or they may reserve certain abusive traits for desperate times ie: turning physically abusive during threat of ending relationship.
They usually abuse up to the level that works
If they aren't willing to see the effects of their behavior on others then there is little hope for change. And they also don't like to be reminded of abuse they've dished out as denial is easier than self reflection!

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