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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My Ex, my Baby Dad and Me.... Advice for a Newbie!

8 replies

bech92 · 20/04/2018 13:10

Hello. I'm new here, just need a bit of advice and support. I'll start with an overview of the situation.

My XP and I split 10 months ago, he was very focused on work and stopped putting in the effort (we'd been together nearly 3 years). I was suffering with Mental Health Issues (MHI) which I was unaware of until we split. He walked out whilst I was visiting a friend in Manchester for a few days.

A few weeks after he left I bumped into an old guy I used to know and we got talking. We both spoke about how our relationships had ended, mine more recently than his, but he was getting a divorce. We became close and became a support for each other at a time of need. We slept together on a few occassions but safely. We spoke about us become in a relationship, which was 3 months ago, and about 9 months after my separation and 2 months after his divorce had been finalised. We got together in a relationship and after 8 weeks he said that it wasn't what he wanted and that he wasn't ready for the commitment again.

Anyway, the next day I found out I was pregnant. I am currently 10 weeks and am excited, although heart broken, as the one thing I never wanted for my child was a broken family.

The issue that I have is that since my ex found out I am pregnant he's been telling me that he regrets what has happened with us, that he's realised what he's lost and if there is a chance of us working at things he'd like to-do I'll repeat he knows I am pregnant.

Now, I know that my baby dad is an amazing dad, he has 3 children with his ex wife, who he provides for, supports and sees, so I have no doubts on that.

My issue is, do I fight for a relationship with baby dad to make the family unit work out, even though we were both not entirly happy or do I suffer the backlash of peoples opinions of me and my ex and try and work it out because I really love him and he would not just support me, but he would support my child too and as someone that is REALLY scared about having a baby (I'll be honest it was never on my list of things to do, I always wanted to adopt or foster older children and due to medical conditions, I didn't think this opportunity would happen) and because of that, I need someone that is really going to be there for me.

I don't want a termination/abortion because I was stupid enough to create a life I need to be an adult and deal.with the situation. Like I said due to medical reasons I never thought I could have a child, I know lots of people in the world cannot have them, so I couldn't bring myself to have a termination.

If anyone has advice, guidance, support.... I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

OP posts:
magoria · 20/04/2018 13:36

The father of your baby doesn't want to be in a relationship with you so forget that. He can be a good dad without being with you.

What changes has your ex made apart from words? Without any demonstrable change I don't think you should consider going back there either.

I think you need to start alone concentrating on you and your baby.

See if your ex puts his words into action before you go back with him.

PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 14:34

You are considering trying to somehow make the baby's father be I'm a relationship with you? Have I got that right? If that is what you are thinking of doing, no please don't try to do that, it will be massive disaster. He doesn't want to be with you and a baby doesn't change that.

About your ex, he sounds very young and full of shit tbh.

How old are you?

I would strongly suggest you stop bothering with both these men and just concentrate on your baby.

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 20/04/2018 14:39

Neither of these men are right for you. I know it’s going to be hard but you can do this on your own. Let the baby daddy take his child on weekends so you can rest and just be the best mum you can be. I know you’ve got this.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/04/2018 14:45

Historically these men were not right for you. So I really doubt much has changed.

I find it bizarre that your ex has desperately wanted you back after you announced your pregnancy as the child is not even his!

bech92 · 20/04/2018 15:33

Hi Magoria. Yeah he is a really good dad, I never doubted that. We've both said that we would give things a try for the sake of the baby but I don't think that's worth it. My mum and step-dad had a volatile relationship and that's probably had a worse impact on me than my mum being a single parent.

If my ex had only changed by words, I'd not be having this debate. We argued about his commitment to work, he'd work 50 hour weeks and still bring work home. Now, whilst we've been talking and meeting up, he's been leaving work early and he's been taking lunch breaks. He's made more effort with replys to messages..... There have been a lot of changes from him.

PrizeOik that's suprising of you to say. I'm 26 my baby dad is 30 and my ex partner is 29. He worked hard because he thought that was what was best, he's now realised that by doing that he's pushed everyone away. Thank you, and ExtraPineappleExtraHam, I am on my own at the moment, working hard and trying to give the baby the best start in life.

Yes QuiteLikely5 I didn't really understand my ex's timing either 😶

Thank you for all your help and advice :)

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 20/04/2018 16:33

Can I just say that I despise the phrase 'baby dad'... it instantly makes your scenario sound like you walked straight off the set of Jeremy Kyle.

I suspect your ex's efforts will fade out again once he's got you back and almost certainly your relatio ship isn't strong enough to survive the impossible baby stage with it being someone else's baby. And the other man doesn't seem to be that into you. I think you're best off going it alone and waiting for the right relationship to evolve in the future, whoever that may be.

Huskylover1 · 20/04/2018 17:06

I confused as to which of your Ex's is trying to get back with you?

Mousefunky · 20/04/2018 17:22

Neither relationship will work because neither man is right for you. You don’t need a man in your life and need to accept this. The first guy wants you back because of control, as simple as that. He probably hates the fact you are pregnant to someone else but thinks if he can at least ‘win you back’, he will have control again. The second guy doesn’t want a serious relationship and purely wanted a hook up which has now gotten a lot more serious.

You can all be great parents without being entangled romantically. You are better off alone.

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