Lost as a parent

[calmnik]

Dear All

I wanted to know if anyone of you can relate to my feelings as a parent?

Being a parent myself, having had the experience of feeling at times completely alone, isolated (even though I had a social circle), it was difficult with my twins.

I found myself in a space where I probably felt slightly depressed, some mornings, dreading the day, as I feared what could go wrong and being so responsible in that role.

I tried to tell my dear hubby how I felt, but when I heard the door close in the mornings as he went off to work, I always felt a sense of abandonment. He was able to walk away and I wasn't.

I never sought help for myself, as it was the last thing on my mind.

What I needed was an ear to bend. Yes, I had my friends but I felt as a multiple parent, all I did was moan and that they got bored of hearing it so I kept it to myself.

I wanted to be the perfect parent, baby swimming, nct Baby massage, coffee morning meeting ups, playdays. All of this was great but when I got home, that was the 'real' me, waiting for 6.30pm; for my hubby to come home, turning my fear off, allowing me to breathe again...

I am not sure if this a familiar story to you all out there, but the reason I am telling you this is, as my children got older (now nearly 15), I retrained and became a qualified therapist. Reflecting back on my situation I could not see my how my mood was affecting me.

Sometimes I wonder why I did not seek therapy? Why as parents do we not consider ourselves?

I did go to the doctor, at times crying my eyes out, about how I was feeling and being offer meds for 'depression' ; which I felt due to my responsibilities were not even an option and I struggled through...
and seeing the midwife once a week did not help either.

As I mother, I think I lost 'me' in the process, I lost my confidence to feel I could trust my judgement and instead of looking inwards to see what a great mother I was, and this miracle of having a multiple birth (after being told due to gynae issues due to endometriosis that I would not conceive at all), I could not appreciate what I had, and found myself looking back at beautiful photos (at the time) and remembering the pain rather than the happiness..

I suppose another thing which may have stopped me seeking out help, was I felt therapy was for people with 'real' problems...? oh! and my doctor never offered this to me.

I wanted to open a discussion for everyone, as you are all parents {and if you relate to my story}, to ask for your time and help in understanding how or why we do not consider help or therapy as an option? what stops us?

In my situation, I just think the idea never crossed my mind...what would I do with my babies, would the counsellor understand what I was talking about??

I had my friends but I still felt unhappy?

What are your thoughts?

Nikki

I feel a bit rubbish right now. 2.5 year old DD and 3 week old DS. Sleep deprivation is killing me and going from 1 dc to 2 has been a big shock to my system.
For example I have suspected ds has oral thrush for a few days, been keeping an eye on it and decided today that I should take him to the gp. Then I realised that it's Friday so I'd better take him today otherwise it will have to wait until Monday. I then got so anxious about having to take them both out of the house and felt so guilty about really not wanting to because obviously I need to take him to the gp. I just burst into tears and felt like the worst mother in the world. In the end I called them and they sorted an appointment for tomorrow and I just thought god why did I get so upset and guilty over that??
Stuff just gets to me and I sometimes think I should never have had children because I'm not cut out to be a mother, I'm not good at it etc.
Thing is I feel normal and happy about 70% of the time and I think that's the reason I wouldn't seek help. I think I would have to feel low 90% of the time before I'd do anything about it. I just think there are women out there really struggling with PND and it would be an insult to them for me to start complaining to the doctor about how I feel.

Dear HappyMummy

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and write your response, especially will all that is going on. This is 10 or so minutes of your life you are claiming for yourself

I can hear your struggle and what I always find interesting is how we as parents, measure ourselves against those who are in more difficult places than we are don't we (re. pnd and complaining)? I am wondering if this is because it helps us find a rationale to our situation by shrinking it...

What I might offer is that no one is an important as you right now, especially with all the concerns around your children and responsibility you are carrying. I can see from your mail how much weight you are bearing and how exhausting this must be for you.

If it offers any comfort to you, I believe when we are in this situation it is reasonable to think 'Why did I become a mother?' After all, if you think of all the different plates you are spinning right now, running between them, juggling, is it surprising you are exhausted?

At these points for me, I just wanted to run away - literally! I thought what if I just left? Of course, I never did, I hasten to add!!, but you do describe that moment where perhaps you feel overpowered?

Guilt - yup, isn't that a best friend? That really is an inner conflict going on there...what you believe you should be like a mother and then the thought that rattles that cage, saying 'is this for me?

When I feel guilty these days, I get curious about it and think, why do I need to feel that, what rule have a set for myself that I am not performing? Is it okay to say to myself perhaps 'this is difficult' and it is actually okay to feel overwhelmed by the situation and needs of others...

If you need any evidence that you are a good mum in those times, trying to bring to your mind something enjoyable or special that you did do for your little ones; their laughter on fun days and what effort you make to give them happy thoughts.

When it is good it can be very, very good and when it is bad it is horrid...as they say..

I find it also interesting that we have to be nearly at our maximum before we take action? what is that about for us?

Sometimes in the world, don't you think you dismiss how you may be feeling because if we recognised this, our strength and resolve would weaken our ability to carry on forward?

It sounds like you managed to get this all organised in the end...put yourself on your own to do list....cuppa with a biccie, watching tv with them while you sit..

Thank you again for responding.

Nikki

I think people dont seek it out because we are expected to cope.

Women have been having babies since time began and we are sold the story that every woman copes, in the same way people would lie and say you forget the pain of child birth once you see your baby...or that breast feeding is a magical bonding experience - completely overlooking those woman for whom its an impossible struggle.

As women we are sold the idea that we can and will cope, that failure is just not an option. So we soldier on and in the constant hamster wheel of nappy changes, feeding, sleepless nights, teething and tioilet training we stop being who we were.

We are led to believe it's not neccessary to deal with the day to day tears and breakdowns we might have behind the toilet door at work or home, because everyone does it and everyone wakes up from it eventually, so why seek help it will just all go away by itself?

For some people it does, for others it does and leaves scars. For some they never get of the hamster wheel and just continue getting more and more wound up untill they publically explode, and its only at that point people will say, " wow! you need help ".

When maybe someone should have suggested it at the begining, rather than saying women have been doing it for years everyone goes through this....