Can you think your way to happiness?

[weary]

Am a regular MNer, just changed my name. Bit of a non-thread this, really, just been feeling a bit down and could do with some encouragement and positive thoughts!

I know this probably sounds really silly, and you'll all say 'Oh, it'll happen' etc etc and realistically I know it probably will, but the thought that I might one day meet a good man - and perhaps more importantly realise I've met a good man! - and have a happy, functioning relationship just seems so unlikely at the moment. I just genuinely cannot even conceive of having a relationship I don't screw up one way or the other! I feel like I've made so many stupid mistakes that I'm almost paralysed with fear at the thought of ever getting involved with anyone again.

I read some posts on here about MNer and their lovely dh/dps and how they are happy and in love and have a supportive relationship and I can't decide whether it makes me feel better or worse! I don't want perfection, I just want to be able to say that, fundamentally, I am happy and in love. But in my last two relationships, both men have told me that they don't think I will ever be content.

I'm scared they are right. So, I guess my question is, will it happen for me in the end? Or are there some people out there who will just never really achieve true happiness in a relationship?

Weary

Don't know anything about your circumstances at all so can't really say much to help.

Why do you say that you screw up the relationships? No-one is perfect and we all makes mistakes and after all,it takes two to make a relationship.

All I can say, (even though at the moment, I have a real rough patch in my marriage), I had had two failed relationship before I meet my husband, and wasn't looking or a bit interested in meeting anyone and it just happened like that out of the blue.

weary - I split from my dh 10 months ago and early on I felt like I needed someone else but now I cna honestly say I'm not bothered at all. When I see happy couples I think it looks nice and would be good to have, and I do have an idea of my perfect man, but its not going to break my heart if it never happens.

It sounds corny, but there's so much more to life than a partner that its not essential to happiness - you might just need to concentrate on something else that makes you happy or give it time to let yourself relax and feel better about things.

Don't want you to think I'm desperate to meet a bloke or anything like that. It's not that. I rather like sleeping alone, actually! And I certainly don't look wistfully at other couples and wish I had what they (appear to) have.

I'm not explaining myself very well. Just scared of making more mistakes when the time comes, I suppose, and wanted some encouragement that things do usually work out in the end.

maybe you need some time on your own to work out what it is that makes you 'mess up' - whether its something in you that you need to work on, whether its because you're going for the wrong bloke or both. If you take some time to yourself and end up happy with yourself, you're far more likely to be happy with the relationship you eventually get IMO.

weary

Even if you did mess those two relationships up, there is nothing to say any future ones would be the same.
I know what it is like, because as I said, I was messed around in two relationships following, and then didn't want to know about men. Having met and married my DH, even though we are having massive problems at the moment, it can work.

I agree with WK, if you can try and sort out what goes wrong, and don't be hard on yourself, it takes two, then it might be helpful for the future.

Hope it works out for you.

Ive always believed that to make a relationship work and to be happy in it, is if both people make the effort to keep it working. If you think about the amount of men out there, there will be plenty of times when there will be decent guys that will walk into your life. Ive just come out of a lot of heart break and I know that I will find the right bloke for me, maybe I already have, I just dont know it yet. We all have our faults, but I would like to believe that if I find the right guy he will accept them and accept me for myself.

weary much sympathy and hugs
you sound similar to me when i first met my dp i tried to avoid a relatoinship in anyway i could(didnt want one) its only cause hes so tenacious(and thick skinned that hes still here) im just like you i find it difficult to be content even when things are ok but im slowly learning to relax(and forgive dp for faults as he does me)
i am SURE you will find someone just relax ,be yourself and dont look too hard!
dont buy the negetive s**t youve been fed especially from fellas(esp.exes!)
tell yourself everyday that you are worthy of life and love and that you are a unique and wonderful human being(and believe it too!)
I try to look on experiences as learning ones rather than good v's bad and here's a thought maybe the old relationships had to end to leave you free for the right one when it/he comes along
good luck big hugs
take a walk outside breath in the lovely sunshine and smile........chin upxxxxxxxxx
oh and this may sound very corny but remember live is truly a gift (even if it doesnt always seem so....

Tammybear

You are so right. When you find the right guy you will know, and will realise that all the rest can't compare. You will be able to be yourself, and he will accept your faults and you his. Life is never perfect, and it is amazing how much you do have to work at relationships - thats the problem we are having. The three children, even though we love them and wouldn't be anything without them, exhaust us, we have no-one to support us and we don't have the time or energy to give to each other, and I miss that closeness. I used to be able to share everything, good and bad with DH and now I don't bother to try, its just bottled up inside which is so negative and so destructive.

Believe in what Tinytoes said and hope it happens for you soon

Plus I think being happy with yourself helps too. And you shouldnt worry about messing up future relationships. I think it depends on who you're with that defies how you are with them. If you feel you made mistakes in previous relationships, then maybe you weren't completely happy to be in them. Just an outsiders POV, I could be wrong

Yeah, you are all right (as usual!) I do worry that maybe I had found the right guy, and actually made a mess of things, and that's something that haunts me, really. I suppose that's what this is all about, if I'm honest. I just wish men walked around with big flashing signs above their heads saying 'I'm the one! Stick with me!' or alternatively 'Run away! Run away! Don't touch me with a bargepole!'

Unfortunately men are much harder to work out than that but I don't believe there is only one Mr Right, I think there's loads of them, so you won't have lost the only one out there, trust me.

Just a thought - my dp also tells me he doesn't think I'll ever be content. Always sounds like a blame thing to me! of the two of us I have a much sunnier disposition. I wouldn't accept anyone else's assessment esp not an ex! as tinytoes says. Takes two to 'mess up' a relationship. When you find the right one it will be as natural as breathing, or so I tell myself.
Good luck, and be happy

don't know about this weary - i'm a cynic, having found love a couple of times, including the biggie in my 20s (but we split up), now wiht dp and it's not love for me. i loved him in the first flush for about a yr, but not now and it's hard to keep going TBH wiht the demands of a dd, home to keep going. i also look at other couples wihth envy when i see how their love creates warmth, affection and humour that we lack, the glue to keep it all going and worthwhile. yet dp is lovely, not attractive to me, but intelligent, kind and a good father - i should be grateful for this, i'm trying to accept this is enough adn make the best of it, but it is hard, life is so short yet also children need their partents together, ideally.

Weary, I have not time to read the full thread but your post rings some bells here. I was told again and again that I would never be happy in a relationship (the idea of settling down, get a house and a family was never one of my priorities and it was well down the list, specially because I had so many plans of doing whatever it take to get THE dream job). It got to a point that I got convinced that I couldn't wait for Mr Right to appear and I decided that I preffered to be on my own rather than be with Mr WillDo. So, I lay my plans for the future (which I very much liked) and just in the first leg of the trip... disaster struck! met Mr. Right and it was so right that it made me forget all my plans and will to get the elusive perfect job.

Many years afterwards I still struggle because I can't accept yet that I left all my dreams for him. So I guess I fit the bill of never going to be happy in a relationship, however I have already accepted that this is who I am, and even though it brings lots of problems to our relationship I know that's the part of me that Dh likes best. But who in his right mind could say that relationships are meant to be easy? they would be so boring!

There are a few things I have been told over the years by relationship counsellors that I think are fundamentally true and helpful (it's my job to talk to them btw!) -

Don't think in terms of your 'perfect man' - think in terms of what you want from a good relationship - ie once you think about what kind of relationship you want you will see the qualities you will need in a man to make that happen.

Don't ever make the mistake of thinking the first flush of love and lust is the template for a successful relationship. The first few months/year are an aberration. It's what comes next that's important, and if you always chase the excitement of the first flush, you really will never be happy in a relationship.

Love does NOT mean never saying you are sorry, or never finding your man irritating or that he will not notice your faults. You can love someone and still find them very annoying at times, and be driven half mad by their faults, you simply decide that the relationship is more important than fighting over them. (and you do try to curb the things that quite reasonably drive them crazy - eg cutting your toenails in bed)

Relationships are full of compromises. If you don't want to compromise, a relationship isn't for you.

There is no single Mr Right for anyone.

A man doesn't have to be your best friend, your perfect lover, your soulmate, your everything in order to have a good relationship. Just because you don't share all the same interests doesn't mean you aren't right for each other.

interested by what you say - logically I agree "doesn't have to be a soulmate", problem is this IS what we ideally seek, isn't it? especially if we have found this before. i'd be interested to know what proportion of people think they are with their soulmate and of those who aren't, whether they're troubled by this, I know I am!