What is normal?

[DumbleDee]

With oh 8 years. My 2nd marriage. No DCs together. Decided to split 2 weeks ago.

He's still in the house (my house) we are NC as much as possible.

I have times where I'm sad cry grieve. Times when I'm relieved and looking forward to the future. Times when I'm scared of being lonely. Times when I regret all the time I've wasted.

I've written a list of all the fucked up abusive shit he's pulled. But there were really good passionate fun times as well. It was a bipolar relationship things were fabulous or horrendous.

I know this is the right thing but I'm sick of myself and the constant fluctuating emotions.

I have blocked on every social media apart from one email address for practical purposes. I'm reading it's called a break up because it's broken. I'm exercising avoiding too much alcohol and am spending time with friends and family. And just about coping with work. I'm exhausted and not sleeping.

I want to Fast Forward 3 months.

Please tell me this is normal and give me your top tips for getting through this. Xx

Yes it's normal. Our bodies and minds get used to whatever situation we're in. So now you're in the adjustment phase, just like jet lag but more complex and with a lot of emotions.

What works is to get busy: have a plan to move on. Schedule friends, workshops, entertainment, physical activity, whatever you enjoy.

Settle into a new routine quickly. The faster you get into a new normal the faster you'll forget your old situation.

I doubt you will be able to properly move on when he's in your home as a constant reminder of the shit times; why is he still there, in your home?

Why is he still in your house?

I think you're doing fine - even if you think you're not. The exercising and spending time with friends and family is healthy and great.

Fluctuation emotions are totally normal.

I would suggest asking ex to leave, this will help to give you some closure (and space and privacy!).

Could you book a break or holiday for say 3 months time? Will give you something to look forward to.

I'm in the same position Dumble. Its pretty crap isn't it? You feel like you can't move on whilst he's still in the house. You don't feel comfortable being in your own home anymore. You still love them and wonder if you've made the right decision. The futures scary on your own. I feel for you, I really do. I hope things get easier for you and I'm sorry I don't have any practical ideas for you.

Sorry to point out but all the references to "your house" as being your own isn't correct. Because you are married it is a joint asset whether or not it is in joint names. 8 years is a long marriage in financial settlement terms so unless there as a load of other assets to split be prepared for the claim to come winging in!! Keep strong as yes a crap time

Its normal - its kind of a grieving process - work on getting him out

You won’t be able to fully move on until he is completely removed from your life. Once he has left the home you will grieve some more no longer having him around but within a month or two that will begin to feel normal and will get easier. You will also feel a lot better once the divorce is finalised and he is completely removed. The beauty of not having children together is the fact that once the divorce is over, you will never have to see or talk to him again in your life and it will be a relief.

A fortnight is an incredibly short amount of time, it is perfectly normal to be experiencing a whole host of emotions right now. It WILL get easier .

Thanks all. He's in my house until he finds somewhere else but I gave him a 4 week deadline.

Ref joint assets. I may have to have that fight but am prepared for it. He has never financially contributed as he had his own house which he sold and kept the profit for investment. Still expect him to come after me but the house hasn't increased in value since our marriage. And I'll just go after his.

Thanks all for the advice I'll keep going with my head down and focus on the future.

Hey OP: I left a 21 year relationship in Feb 2017. Emotionally abusive, I loved him though and when he wasn't being a dick (which was more often as the years went on) I lost respect for him. In reality I became a shell of my former self.

I had a 6 months FWB thing, and am now dating again.......and last week I still cried about the relationship. I was feeling low and not too well, and I missed him. Because he knows me like no other (although he used that against me), its like a big hole. In fact the more I meet new people, the more it reminds me that sometimes things were good.

However, it was totally the right decision. Last night he text me to say one of the kids was not putting in any effort in his karate class, and how he ended up paying for it, it wasn;t on and he needs to have a life too. To put that in perspective: he pays 25 euros a month and that is ALL he pays to contribute to the kids, and its an hour out of his week. One hour. He will never change. You can still love someone and walk away, its a hard pain to swallow.

my tips: surround yourself with friends, write a list of the reasons you are leaving when you feel sad take it out and look at it, be kind to yourself. It gets easier, but it hasn't still completely gone away for me.