In A Mess

[kkgirl]

Don't know where to start this thread, just really need to let off steam to someone who doesn't know me, isn't involved and could offer some advice/support.

I have been married 14 years, have three lively and demanding children. To be honest since the twins were born 8 years ago, our marriage has been going down the pan, and now I think we are only together because we are afraid to be alone and also for the sake of the children, and to be honest, their behaviour and demands and the general day to day living, is pushing us further apart.

My DH isn't a very happy positive person and finds the children hard to deal with. To be fair when they were babies he was brilliant, good with nappies, feeding, everything.

We were on holiday last week, and although I feel I tried my best to keep everyone happy, it was so difficult I really didn't enjoy it or want to be there. I look at other families and am jealous of their happiness and fun times, I don't ever feel that we enjoy family life like we should.

Anyway, things have come to a head this morning. My eldest DS wanted to have two friends for a sleepover on Weds, but I postponed until last night as we both work and didn't want a late night/early morning with 5 kids during the week.
After I had arranged it, DH said that he was going to motor racing today, and then he suggested taking eldest DH and two friends with him, It is local. I said that it wasn't a good idea, too much to manage three boys, but he went ahead and asked their mums anyway.
They all went off this morning, and then DH phoned to say, there were wasps everywhere, and our DS and his friend were really worried by them and he would have to bring them home, which he did.
And then he expected to go off leaving me at home with the 5 kids to watch the race. I went mental, told him if he wants a single mans' life he can have it etc.

He then went to see if the friends' parents were in, to return them early, which I don't think is on as he told them that they would be back at about 7 tonight.

We have had a big row, as I had said I would drive to see my parents (elderly), haven't seen them for two weeks and now can't go.

Now I feel bad because he doesn't really have a social life, doesn't go anywhere apart from work.

But these problems have been building for a while, and feel resentful and unhappy and now confused.

Any suggestions

i think there are 2 problems - 1)that neither of you appear to have the time to have space of your own to pursue your own social/life interest - you time isn't dh taking the kids so you can drive to your parents - you time is doing something frivolous and enjoyable and 2)that you and dh need time to go out by yourselves without the kids

also think your dh is in the wrong re:ds and his friends - if he had agreed to have the kids till seven he should have taken them for a meal/to park/out to shops/to museum - i.e. thought laterally and done something else with them!

it also sounds like your husband may well be a touch depressed - would he be willing to speak to his GP/go to counselling?

Thanks for your reply, I think you have probably hit the nail right on the head, we don't have time for ourselves, each other, anything.

My DH lost his mum 5 years ago, and his dad last year, and although he didn't grief openly, I think he carries it inside and is depressed.

Thanks for your support, it has meant a lot to be able to get it off my chest and get some clear suggestions/thoughts

Kay

agree with MTS. try to organise some time away without the kids so you can go out for a meal or something so you both can let your hair down and just talk. you're both still entitled to a social life. being a parent makes it hard to have much of one, but if you can get a babysitter to look after them a couple of hours, it would probably do you the world of good

I agree with others, you really need some time together as a couple, to talk and be with each other. Recognising that you're unhappy before it gets to a stage where you hate each other is so important - it sounds like you are still at a stage where you can start building a few bridges.